Poor soul having to manage his own childcare...

[Diamondcushions]

I know IAB and I'm sure his current situation is difficult and painful, but in the last week I've been in two meetings with a very senjor man who manages a large workforce, and who is going through a separation. They've gone for 50/50 and there are soooo many things he can't possibly do, that he used to do, because childcare.

It's like watching a cartoon lightbulb moment.

Agree! I work 2 days (and do zero child care on those days as they're long days) and my husband is full time (mostly wfh till 6pm but he still helps a lot though I do most of the school runs). Massive changes would be needed if we went 50:50 in separate houses.

Who are you responding to? No-one's mentioned earnings before you brought it up. It's to do with parenting.

If he is 'going for' 50-50, and his life is changing drastically, then that suggests he wasn't doing 50-50 beforehand.

Hope that makes sense.

I wonder if it will change his attitude when his staff say "no because childcare" compared to before? Hopefully he'll give the same consideration to them, that he is now expecting for himself.
When I was pregnant and struggling I asked to work from home a day a week, my child free boss said no. Then when I came back from mat leave she got pregnant, struggled, and started working from home herself. She actually said sorry to me for not letting me wfh which I thought was good of her.
So if your boss can learn from his experience it's a good thing.

Go out into the street, throw a handful of gravel and you will hit one, maybe two, who ISNT crap.

I think you are being mean spirited OP unless he was inflexible and unkind to single parents previously. Maybe he never had to think of childcare before because his partner willingly did it or willingly organised it. We all talk about things we experience for the first time. Didn't you ever hear a group of new mums going on about how much laundry they have to do, or a young adult moving out for the first time gobsmacked at the price of groceries. They've heard others mention these things a million times but don't think of or talk of it until they experience it themselves. We've all done the same.

I get what the OP is witnessing.

Oh good question

This is a lighthearted thread. Why are people pretending that men do 50/50 when married? Especially the divorced ones. They’re divorced for a reason and it will very often be because the man did not pull his weight. That’s why it’s funny. That’s why so many mums can relate to the penny drop moment.

Depends on the street maybe. It's certainly not my experience. All my school and university friends chosen well too. Don't procreate with shit men, it's easy!

Exactly, maybe feel pity for him and his children-or if he was the one who abandoned his family, then for his wife and kids.
It's quite normal to struggle with new situations, especially when feeling upset and heartbroken for your children-lots of women in the same situation feel this way, even more so if they have very demanding jobs.
And, while it's wrong that it's this way, women often have more of a network who will help out with childcare at short notice.
Now if he's been an idiot who constantly dismissed other workers' childcare needs, and left his family for a younger woman-my sympathy diminishes.

I think anyone would find it an adjustment after separating, not sure why you would use it as an excuse to shit on a man who is aiming for equality.

At the minute I’m a sahm so by definition do more childcare/ things with the children during my husband’s working hours but I would find it incredibly hard going from a house with 2 parents available in the evenings to either pitch in or to enable me to go out, to suddenly having sold responsibilities for days at a time. It’s naive to think otherwise.

The thing is, as others have said, the label 50/50 is misleading. I parent 50/50 with my DP because we each share more or less half the parenting, life admin, workload between us. But we are together, so it’s fine. And if one of us is exhausted, manic with work or ill, then the other is able to pick up the load a bit.

That is vastly different to being separated or windowed, etc. When that happens you do 100%. Now you might split the week, but for those days you have custody you are doing 100% of everything - no matter if you’re ill, depressed, grieving, have work pressures, or whatever else is going on. That’s hard work for anyone and will be a huge change and challenge even for the most hands on parents compared to parenting in a partnership.

That is a VERY generalised assumption. Have you ever considered that some men actually want to see their children and play an active part in their lives?
Have you also personally witnessed a woman deliberately weaponising the children to ensure she gets maximum payout to cause as much hurt and anguish as possible to the father?
To say that about ALL men is disgusting

Yes girls, dont forget to pack your time machine in your birth bag, so you can go back when he turns out to be a useless selfish shit.

And NO they do not all show this before babies, usually it only shows after babies, usually because he gets used to just going to work and coming home, she gets used to doing literally everything else. And that continues when she goes back to work. There is a thread right now about a woman 13 weeks PP looking at divorce because her formerly supportive H has done literally nothing for their child and nothing for her.

You got lucky, good for you. But gloating is not a good look.

LOL.

He's prioritizing not paying child support.

I totally disagree. Almost every post on here where someone’s moaning about doing evening after having children they say “well I did most of the housework/ food shops/ cooking before but it didn’t bother me”.
There’s another one on the go right now.

Very, very rarely is someone an excellent, engaged, involved partner before and then turns into a loser upon birth. They were always a loser, some women are just too focused on their end game to acknowledge it.

This is a very good question!

The difference between pulling your weight as a couple and pulling your weight as a parent is leagues. Most men manage when its just you and him. Totally different once there a newborn in the mix.

And to all those congratulating him on his 50/50 parenting - why is it such a change? Why all of a sudden is so hard for him? Why wasnt he doing his fair share already? And whats been the motivating factor in all of a sudden wanting to....???

Yeah Id be raising my eyebrows too. Bet he was arse to the people at work who were managing it before now too.

It’s actually not. Not at 20. Yes by 40. You had a very privileged upbringing if you were given the tools to spot all red flags. Also, society teaches many girls that marriage, any marriage, is success. I am doing my absolute best to make sure my daughters know their value. Maybe be grateful for the shark cage you were given.

You sound really bitter

Ugh, I share your pain. Men who suddenly realise that children need looking after and raising!

I was once in a meeting that went a bit over core hours (which finished at. 4pm). A male colleague, not hitherto a model for domestic responsibilities ( he had a string of affairs with his undergraduates) had recently become a father. As our meeting closed, he looked at his watch, and said in a tone which admonished everyone else in the room: “Well, this meeting just cost me £20 extra in childcare”

what woman, I thought, would dare to say that in a meeting? It would brand her as unable to cope and whinging.

I'm not gloating. Yes I am well aware there are plenty of crap men around and it blows my mind that there are such surprises so shortly after giving birth. It's devastating. We didn't get lucky thanks - we made well intentioned choices based on their character/education/profession/how they spoke about exes/their friendships/how they treated people day to day/family values/upbringing, the list goes on. Yes we all have high standards (as every woman should but clearly do not) and absolutely wouldn't accept anything less to begin with.

Seriously? Hindsight is 20/20 its hard to know what kind of parent someone will be until they actually become one then its far too late

Your “fair share” in a couple is nothing like parenting when single for days or a week at a time, its ridiculous to suggest it is.

Absolutely this. The numbers of women I'm encountering at 50+ who are leaving marriages because their DHs did fuck all is astonishing. It's around half the women I know. We've all had enough.

All the protesting going on here? Protecting the male species as if they're a maligned marginalised interest group. WTF??

The stats show just how bad women have it:

Less pay
Less promotions
More likely to take a career break than men
More like to take a sick day to look after the kids
Much more likely to do at least 50% of the household chores and childcare, usually much higher numbers
More likely to be left, by 6 times to 1, if they have a terminal illness or need full time care, whereas the opposite number for women, is 5 to 1 the other way around
More like for women to look after elderly relatives

It's always us: caregiving on all fronts. Men not so much.

It's a delight when the penny finally drops OP. You are right to have your gleeful moment where the fucker realises just how easy he's had it up until now.

All this faux standing up for men. Will you all stop clutching your 1950s pearls please and just call a spade a spade.