Poor soul having to manage his own childcare...

[Diamondcushions]

I know IAB and I'm sure his current situation is difficult and painful, but in the last week I've been in two meetings with a very senjor man who manages a large workforce, and who is going through a separation. They've gone for 50/50 and there are soooo many things he can't possibly do, that he used to do, because childcare.

It's like watching a cartoon lightbulb moment.

I think the reason my DH and I remained married during some really difficult times (SEN kids, work pressure etc) is for the same reason - he realised he could not possibly manage his career and expect to have a relationship or even a life with our kids. Strangely this was probably one of the things that saved us, as I realised that HE realised who i was and what I did to facilitate his life and ensure his kids got what they needed. He is my biggest fan and a very engaged father as a result - and a brilliant manager, I understand, as he actively supports all staff with childcare and extended family issues.

Good for him for making it work even though it’s hard. At least you acknowledge you are being unreasonable.

Well now (depending on the exact breakdown of days) he has half the week with no childcare whatsoever so he has plenty of time free to do all sorts, doesn't he?

I wonder if his ex is finding she can make more, or fewer, work commitments now? It would be very revealing to know.

Totally agree with that!

DH was a very hands on dad when DC were young, but I was a SAHM so very few worries about childcare. If we had split and we had gone 50;50 he would have had to change his working pattern to accommodate school runs as normally I did them, or sort something out. But outside work hours he was a very present dad

The pessimist in me thinks that would have been to avoid child maintenance. I'd expect that an equal parent would have already had to make adjustments for childcare prior to separation. It sounds like thinking about childcare is brand new to this man.

DH is also very keen to promote the possibility of being in senior roles and work part-time now he is in charge of his workplace, a thing that was previously pretty much unheard of. This applies to both genders.

DH would probably have wanted 50;50 to spend time with DC not to avoid maintenance.

If he was an equal parent before he still would have had to make adjustments to his childcare now he’s a single parent.

This is the point, isn’t it?

He is unable to do elements of his job that he did before whilst doing 50:50 childcare. Which means he clearly wasn’t doing 50% if the care for his children before, in the marriage.

Which means his former partner, possibly also whilst working or wanting to work, was doing more than 50%. So massively more encumbered than he is now.

Absolutely there should be equal downtime and equal spending money, but sometimes that means it can't be 50/50 child care. Sometimes it means one parent has to do the bulk of it or you outsource it. What is important is you are both a team and work together as such in whatever form that takes. When there is only 1 of you then you have to find something else that works, for the parent the OP refers to its childcare, for the other parent it could be nothing different, they get extra downtime which comes with 50/50 or it could mean they now have to find some extra finance from somewhere, and childcare for the 50% of the time they are with the child

Men ask for 50/50 to get out of paying child support. They never actually take 50% of the responsibility.

Of course you know every single dad that’s split up with their partner and their intentions 🙄

Well no, there are several things that I wouldn’t be able to do without my husband around. Many days one of us will do drop off and the other pick up. If we split up, on my days with the children I would have to do both the drop offs and picks ups, which would mean changes to my work. Same for my husband.

Yes exactly! Such a ridiculous post op

Sorry but you've clearly only ever encountered crap men.

lol, I know exactly what you mean op. I remember when exdh and I divorced, he was due to have them on a Wednesday. First weds came and I can recall our convo which was much fun for me ‘So, I’ll pick them up at 7 on my way home from work.’ ‘Fraid not sunshine, school finishes at 3.20pm and I’m going out for the day’ ‘but I can’t’ ‘not my problem’

I think you do understand the point……

And so? Whilst my children were small my dh earnt the household money and I was a SAHM. He did way less than 50:50 childcare/housework etc because that's what I was doing. But he loved his kids and had we separated he'd have done50:50 and both our lives would have changed.

What a horrible assumption.
I've personally known two people where a child custody battle has been to their demise because of lies and vindictive revenge of the mother.
Bravo for him wanting to maintain a 50% role in his children's lives

His former wife is probably in her element now! She will be rediscovering her social life and picking up hobbies, I bet you. I

Yes. This is excellent

Yeah this was my first thought.

When men say they want 50/50 its because they think its easy (well it must be if his wife can do it, right?!) and then they do it and realise just how much of life was facilitated by the the magic housework fairy, the magic cleaning fairy, the magic child care fairy....and so on. As you say, if he had really done 50/50 to start with he may not be going through a separation at all!

Its no coincidence that soooo many men want 50/50 (and lets be honest, usually to avoid CM) who then decide that paying his ex CM and letting her bear the brunt is preferable to actually stepping up themselves. They suddenly find that oh....they dont mind seeing the kids EOW after all!

Jeez, the cool girl replies on here 🙄 Get your drift OP

That's really nice. Similar circumstances here, only I did end up getting a job for a few years then having to leave it because he didn't step up. Now he thinks he doesn't have to do anything at all and when I asked him to do half of one minor chore at the weekend, he shouted at me to "get a job". So I've taken that to mean I can widen my search to more than part time, remote work. I'll get a job, and then things are going to change around here. I've started a list of all the duties that have always fallen to me, excluding housework and logistics for now, which already has over 30 weekly/monthly responsibilities, so he'll easily be able to choose which half of them he picks up.