AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I initiated a separation from my husband, the father of my youngest daughter two months ago. He has been the only father figure in my eldest daughter’s life and they had a good relationship.

He has engaged a solicitor who has now sent me a letter re: shared residency of our joint child and our house which I can stay in until our joint child goes to university (or is 19) no surprises.

I have to acknowledge however, that my eldest (other than a quarter of my assets) has no claims on any marital assets and there is also a line which says that in the event of my husband’s death my stepdaughter will not assert her rights until younger daughter goes to university (or is 19).

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

When I challenged him he says he misses her but it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily.

Now that Ive read the thread in full i remember the OP now. It was very obvious she wanted to play happy families with her own two daughter and the husband and she saw no proper place in that family for her husbands daughter. She strongly facilitated the relationship between her own two daughters and saw her step daughter as a threat so didnt ever let the stepdaughter spend time with her little sister with op's older daughter being around too. It was ridiculous.
She expected her own older daughter to be treated as family by her in laws despite being no relation to them but then clearly tried to push her own step daughter to the edges within their close family unit.
And now its blown up in her face.

Well yes and his eldest was in ops life for same time, but she wasn’t welcomed by op into her dads home, op would stop her having any interaction with the youngest

It is sad for your child if she wanted the relationship to continue. But he isn't her Dad. This is often what happens when people split up.

I lived with my mums partner (my ‘step dad’) for that long, my mum is still with him in fact, and he has contacted me zero times in the twenty years since I left.

No interest at all.

The feeling is mutual…!

What makes you think he was a lovely adult to her?

and even if he was, does that mean they had a close bond?

OP was lovely to SD and they don’t seem to have a bond.

Many, many SKs live with parents who are kind but aren’t bonded to them.

The SP board will tell you this.

What makes you think this isn’t possible?

That bond was dependent on his marriage to OP, which is now over. He was kind to her as his stepchild, yes, but he isn’t someone that ever presented himself as her father or encouraged her to view him as such.

Whatever bond they may or may not have had is clearly not worth the drama that attempting to maintain it would bring, even if he were so inclined. It likely wouldn’t be to the benefit of his own eldest daughter either, who I imagine is quite relieved at no longer having to deal with OP trying to dominate her family.

I haven’t read any previous threads so was unaware of that. However, the principle remains that stepchildren should not be classed as somehow less than biological children (and it seems that may apply to the OP too).

@GeorgeClarkefan how often have you been catching up with SD since split? You been taking her out, buying her things?

Many woman also don't continue to have a relationship with their ex-step-children after their relationship with their father ends either though. In fact, I've seen plenty of posts on here where not seeing his kids anymore is touted as one of the benefits of the breakup when a woman is considering leaving the relationship.

Exactly, but call me cynical but I still think men are seen as a bank

It's all a matter of perspective. Imo the people to be judged are the parents inserting random adults into their poor kid's homes and hoping it doesn't go wrong just so they're not lonely at night themselves.

To be fair, you were warned that you wouldn't even things up by this course of action and would likely make things worse for your eldest child. You've highlighted your husband saw more of your child than his own yet could never empathise with that child and why she wanted to protect time with her Dad and paternal family.

He is wrong.

I am still a massive part of my step kids lives from my dd's dad. They have zero claim on my estate.

They were 9 and 7 when their dad and I first got together. They are 23 and 21 now. I split from their dad officially 8 years ago. I have been in their lives longer than not. I was with dsd on monday for lunch. They are all at mine for father's day on sunday, are with me for Christmas and Easter .

They are my dd's family. I have assisted in raising them.

I could never walk away from them.

I dated someone who couldnt accept that they were part of my life. Then I met dh and he loves them as much as he loves my dd.

I feel for your daughter for all the rejection she must have felt during the relationship and now this. But a clean break now will be easier in the long run.

I get you felt you wanted your child treated equally. But when you saw that wasn't happening with the 1st few instances you should have drawn back and done fun things with your family and kept his family as just polite but not close relatives through marriage type relationship. Pushing her onto them and trying to insert her to occasions where she was not wanted only further damaged the relationship and her self esteem.

You have been fixated on this issue for some years now and it isn't doing any of you any favours. Your ex probably knows if he had any sort of relationship with your eldest then he would have to keep on having these arguments and tensions about why your daughter isn't getting what your youngest has. You have already done it with the magazine. If he wants to treat his daughter to a holiday, or new toy, a day trip, it would soon be well what about my DD. Your SDD has always felt uncomfortable around your child for whatever reason, so to share part of his contact days with your DD will be at the expense of his eldest.

Then there is what will happen if he gets into a new relationship, she may not accept the ex step child into the mix so your DD could face rejection here or cut off at an even later date. There has been too much drama in this blended family for the relationship to continue problem free. Things may have been different if there had never been any tensions and all family members loved and accepted each other.

The best you can do now is use his contact days as fun one on one time for you both. As you should have done years ago when he wanted to take the little 1 off to see her family

But has the op treated her ex step daughter the same?

No… she’s not made her welcome in her “faaamily” home, she’s blocked or caused issues with her youngest engaging with her sd.

No, it sounds like the SD never took to either of them. Got a feeling the whole family never really liked OP, were just civil, and this then extended to the OP DD. The DSD sounds like yet another family member the OP tried to push her daughter onto. Trying to force and control things only made things worse.

I dont think any adult has behaved great around any of these children. The relationship shouldn't have got off the ground as it never worked from the off.

Sadly some parents seeing their new blended families not working, think a new joint child will pull everything together, and be some kind of magical solution.

The younger child looks to have been used as some kind of bargaining chip, if the family (including DSD) wanted to see the yongest, then they had to spend time with the eldest too. But that didn't work to plan.

pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist

Happy to answer questions eldest is almost 11 and youngest is six. Stepdaughter is 13.

I think it’s poor form to look back at a poster’s previous posts but it’s worse not to bother and mix you up with another poster and being accused of things you haven’t done.

@GeorgeClarkefan I can’t imagine an 11 year old caring what a 6 year old is up to tbh. Are you sure this ‘exclusion’ she’s feeling isn’t just in your head?

It’s my husband she is missing.

Why did you split?

This is an example of you being snide about your stepdaughter, GeorgeClarkenfan.
If you fully accepted your stepdaughter as part of your family how could your husband's time with her be at the expense of time with family?
Every single time you and your mother have gone out with your daughters and left out your stepdaughter, that is the equivalent of your husband and his mother going out with his daughters and leaving out his stepdaughter.
There is a real lack of objectivity on your part in all this. Your ex is following your lead, and involving his stepdaughter in his family activities just the same extent as you involve his stepdaughter in yours.
I'm surprised at how many replies seem to agree with your double standard about what should be expected of stepfathers versus stepmothers.

Not really, go read her previous threads. There a lot of backstory and her ex was a way between Father to her daughter than her real father was but OP destroyed the relationship for her own weird obsession with "equality"

You are not together any more you do realsie that?