AIBU to be upset he has cut off my eldest daughter?

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I initiated a separation from my husband, the father of my youngest daughter two months ago. He has been the only father figure in my eldest daughter’s life and they had a good relationship.

He has engaged a solicitor who has now sent me a letter re: shared residency of our joint child and our house which I can stay in until our joint child goes to university (or is 19) no surprises.

I have to acknowledge however, that my eldest (other than a quarter of my assets) has no claims on any marital assets and there is also a line which says that in the event of my husband’s death my stepdaughter will not assert her rights until younger daughter goes to university (or is 19).

None of this bothers me but I am shocked and distraught that my husband never asks about eldest or includes her in any outings he has had with youngest.

When I challenged him he says he misses her but it would be too complicated to include her as the law is brutal and she could establish some rights if he continued a relationship with her, a child he has known for over eight years and who he saw more often than his eldest child. I am shocked he can walk away from her so easily.

You think I’m unable to love my adopted child as much due to biology?

Do you know how many biological parents don’t properly love or care for their kids? I was removed from mine.

I think OP has been incredibly foolish, especially moving in a man with her young daughter that she only knew a year, but the biology lies drive me bonkers.

I’m with you here on MIL, I have a stepson who we have 50/50 custody of. My entire family including parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles who all spend exactly the same on my step son at birthday and Christmas as my boo children. If my mum and stepdad send holiday spending money for my children, she also sends for my stepson. We would hate for him to feel “less than” while he is with us so I get you!

Are you seriously comparing a step parent with an adoptive parent?

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but does your DD (his DSD) call him dad?

The problem always always always comes up when a women has a child with a deadbeat dad.

She expects and wants more from her new man’s family than her child’s actual
father gives. You will get those giving it the whole he picks you so put your foot down about your shared child blah blah.

Yes he picked up not her child as happens In many many cases the child she comes with is the price for sharing the woman’s bed. Remove the bed the child is of equal importance as a random on the street.

People need to stop expecting strangers to automatically pick up the pieces from
Dead beats. Stop buying a fake blended dream that 99% of the time is a failure.

Most step children wouldn’t have a step parent for their own child should speak volumes.

and before it crops up. You can have a relationship and even sex without moving a random man/woman in with your child.

According to her previous threads, she doesn’t. She knows he isn’t her father, and he’s never claimed to see her as his child.

I'm afraid he's spot on - see the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975

The difference with adoption is that you have to jump through hoops to do it. It's something you choose. I don't think people would do that if they didn't think they'd love their adopted child like their own. Stepchildren are a different thing entirely. Nobody chooses them, they just come as part of the package of the person you're in a relationship with. When people in this thread say "biology" it seems to me they're talking about it in the context of stepchildren, not adoption. I don't think anyone's trying to get at you when they're saying that.

She said that my stepdaughter constantly moans about my eldest, we have gone out of our way for my husband to see her on her own even leaving the house so they can watch films together. Mil thinks stepdaughter should see youngest without my eldest, this only happens by chance and apparently is important to stepdaughter. I concede on this one but leaves a horrible taste in my mouth.

She has lots of time with her father alone often at the inconvenience to everyone else.

Yes. Horned in on works. Your MIL had to speak with you about allowing SD and your youngest time together without your oldest always there. You could have protected their time together but instead, you jumped on SD when she dared say something.

You saw your STBX's time alone with his daughter as an inconvenience.

Thanks. I haven’t read the previous threads. My own dad though, had children from a previous marriage who called him dad despite being fully aware that he wasn’t their biological dad. But he was the only dad they had ever known. He didn’t abandon them when he and his first wife separated.

I know it’s different for different families though. And apparently this guy never had that relationship with the SD and she wasn’t accepted by his family, so it shouldn’t really come as a big shock. Sad as it is.

A lot of men have very transient attachments to children, unfortunately. They often see them as a subset of the woman they are with, so they can perform “fantastic father” incredibly convincingly until they are no longer with the mother, then the relationship just dissipates overnight. Lots of these men then go on to be “fantastic father” to the next woman’s kids, while neglecting their own. I wouldn’t be surprised if his interest in your younger daughter wanes as well, especially if he acquires new stepchildren at some point.

As an adoptive parent your relationship with a child is driven by your choice to adopt them. You choose that relationship for itself and this underpins your love for that child.

As a step parent your relationship with the child is driven by your romantic relationship with their parent. The relationship with the child is a byproduct and "baggage" many step parents would rather they didn't have given the choice.

Its very very different & you know that. No one is saying a non bio parent can't choose to love a child as much as a bio child but many step parents don't choose to have step children in that sense.

TBF most ppl aren’t saying the ex’s actions are ok, they aren’t.

Many of us are saying the signs were there at the start and OP should have walked away to protect her DD.

Same as DH should have walked away when he saw his SD wasn’t happy with OP and her DD. They continued, got married, had a child and are now in this mess.

Many SM aren’t happy with the SKs, live for ‘when it’s just us/our unit’. They should move on before they have kids. The parent (their partner) should move on when they see SM isn’t happy with the SKs/ their parenting.

Too many people ignore the DC issue in blended families and voila - you have an unhappy household.

This thread is ringing so many bells for me, I'm wondering if I've previously read posts by the same poster. Although this type of situation is so common I guess it could be a coincidence. There's a lot of similarities though.
If it's the same poster the eldest DD had ADHD and a nasty POS for a bio dad, who she saw regularly and who had a detrimental effect on her behaviour/attitude.

I agree that the whole situation could have been avoided by not blending families. I also think that the same grace not be shown to a stepmum or her family at all. The way some posters are talking about OPs eldest DD is more than a little 'snide' and I feel really sorry for all the kids.

But he ia not the chils father of course when womwn want money then it seems to be an issue

And adopting is not the same thing as being a step parent i cant beleive women cant see this when they chose to blend families

@YourLoftyCyanZebra i feel sorry for all of the children, this won’t end here, the tensions will be lifelong.

I also feel sorry for the OP in a way. It doesn’t sound like her marriage was particularly loving anyway and I suspect she was desperate for a happy large family so shut her eyes and didn’t protect her DD.

I am a SD, have been since age 2 (my SDad is amazing) and as with others I don’t think I’d ever choose this for my DC and I pray to god if DH and I split that he doesn’t blend with them.

Yes.

The short version, having followed the OP's previous threads is - her vision of a happy blended family has always been her DDs being front and centre and the SD as little there as possible. She broke up with her ex because that wasn't happening but somehow still expects it to happen!

Obviously he should continue to treat her DD well even though she has no intention of seeing her SD ever again

I would view this no differently if op was male & expected an ex wife to maintain a relationship with step DC post divorce.

The whole notion of blended families is generally predicated upon the parents choosing their own wants/happiness over what is likely to be best for their DC long term.

Even in ops situation her choice to divorce has been about her & does not benefit her DC.
When married her youngest was treated to stuff by in laws and eldest was left out.

This will continue to happen post divorce - so the separation does not improve anything for her eldest. Eldest loses a father figure albeit not a bio dad.
Her youngest has to endure parents separation & stared custody so is worse off.

Op gets her feelings of guilt over her eldests feelings and dislike of the inequality somewhat assuaged.

OP you dont seem to want to answer the questions asking how old your eldest daughter is and how old your youngest is? Its relevant to this. If your eldest is 8.5 and has literally lived with this man her whole life, i can sort of see why you feel upset. If shes 17 and he only moved in when she was 10, thats a different situation.

I am so relieved to see this comment. Literally cannot believe the heartless bs on here. I hope none of these awful bastards are around children.

What is wrong with all of you? He was, to all intents and purposes, her father for EIGHT YEARS! I don’t agree that he was simply ‘tolerating’ her for all that time. In every family I know that has step-children they are fully embraced by the entire family, including grand-parents and aunts/uncles, because although they are not biologically related, that does not matter. Would you think that adopted children should also just be tolerated and not considered to be part of the family?
OP you are not being unreasonable. Your ex-partner worrying about what your child make take from his child just shows what an utter twat he is. You made the right decision to leave him.

@bigfacthunter @WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat If there was a bond between Ex and DD he wouldn’t have walked away. This is not a case where the parent had severed the bond, in fact the OP has never really described instances of this bond - indeed, DH didn’t seem to try and protect his SD feelings before.

He might well have a moral duty to continue to care for DD, but then doesn’t that mean that OP should still (if she ever) care for her SD?

In reality, both parents have a duty to protect their DC and failed by exposing them to unsatisfactory relationships.
Neither SP was responsible for the others DC.

Your eldest dd is not his child.
He doesn't want to end up being financially responsible for her in any way, shape or form. So he's setting boundaries early in the divorce process.
There has been so much drama around ' equality ' for your eldest dd. He put up with it whilst married to you, but can distance himself completely from it now. He may even feel relieved that life no longer has to be one big battle.
Whatever his reasons are, I think you need to accept it.

But the family rejected OP DD? They barely tolerated her yet the OP continued the relationship.

They literally didn’t want the poor child around? Which was the cause of OP anguish.

I’ve never read anything from this OP showing ex was more than civil to the DD anyway.