AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

Do you think he needed support? After two months together following your mum's death, he perhaps was in need of a few with his own mum.

It's shit. I've just lost my own dad so I do understand and wouldn't like to add pregnancy hormones on top.

I think these situations are just hard and there aren't necessarily right answers. I'm not sure winding you up here to say your husband is shit really helps.

If he's not lost a parent, he won't understand. No one can but that isn't his fault.

He was perhaps worried about you having too much time alone and thought his mum being there might help.

Is he a good partner overall? I think that's the most important question rather than what he could or should have said or done.

What did he need support with?

Was he heavily pregnant and grieving the death of a parent?

Ridiculous.

And if you read the op posts, the mil does fuck all to help when she stays.

His Mum was also with us for a week at the start of December, left on the 7th I think it was and returned for Xmas on the 23rd. I didn't realise how much this thread would get so maybe I should of added that for more context at the start.

It was definitely a hard situation.

OP this post, coupled with this from an earlier update puts everything into context.

Just context on this, I don't always know the dates that she is coming.
Christmas I did and as I said I tried to persevere with other dates through the year she has just turned up or my partner tells me a few days before and he often isn't sure for how long because he doesn't want to ask.

You have a MiL problem, enabled by a husband problem. MiL feels entitled to rock up any time she feels like it and to be accommodated without notice. Husband sounds shit scared of his mother so he will load the responsibility onto his wife rather than stand up to his mum. And if that’s happened to the point where he’s expected you to host his mum two weeks after giving birth, then it’s time it stopped.

It sounds as though MiL has already contributed to the break up of BiL’s marriage so I think it’s time to sit DH down and make it clear that if he doesn’t start supporting you, his own marriage will go the same way. The first step to cutting down the visits is to ask MiL not to leave her car with you - it’s giving her the means and the mobility to stay as long as she likes. Turning up with no notice, for weeks at a time is not acceptable behaviour. It’s intrusive and it was inevitable that it would cause trouble between you and your DH.

Everyone saying he should have taken his mother out and about are missing the point that OP wanted more 1:1 time with her partner.

im very sorry for your loss. And for the grief you are still processing.

If your husband's mother had died (who he presumably loves as you loved yours) would you have considered him reasonable to want to kick your mother out at Christmas?

Yes, I would ask my mum and I belive she would understand. I'm pretty sure my MIL would actually offer herself to give us space, because she has good people skills.

I believe any decent mum should prefer to know that she is making the situation harder for her child and their spouse, especially when it was just two days on her own, in a city she knows well, and alternative accommodation was so readily available.

Would you really prefer to encroach on your grieving and exhausted DIL/SIL just because that were the originally planned dates?

Asking his mum (who spends several months a year with them) for two days of space back wouldn't mean that he doesn't love her. It would mean that he recognises an irregular situation and trusts she would as well.

Unless you were unwell enough to need urgent medical help with your mental health, I don't think it would be possible for someone to ask their mother to leave two days early without causing great hurt and offense, as painful as I understand that experience was.

Ah, there you go OP.

you just weren’t suffering quite enough.

Silly you for expecting some grace.

He had a week at the beginning of December with his mum. She came back on 23rd December for Christmas. If he was worried about OP spending time alone he should have asked if she needed MiL’s company. And if you read the updates, this is a regular occurrence. MiL rocks up unannounced and expects to be accommodated for weeks at a time. Totally unreasonable and tone deaf when your DiL has just had a baby.

Mumsnet at its finest. Agree with everything above.

This is one of those threads that leaves me absolutely flabbergasted.

Of course YANBU OP.

With their being other local family, your H should have put you first and not had his Mum to stay at all. Or not unless you were entirely comfortable.

This was the time that should have been all about you, with your partner putting you front and centre in his thoughts. He needed to show his support whilst you were both grieving and pregnant.

Honestly, the part about you putting a dampener on his Christmas is appalling! OK I can sort of get that he might not have wanted to ask his Mum to leave once she was there, but he should have made it clear you could grieve openly, that nothing would be asked of you, and that he and MIL would be looking after you.

His comment about putting his family first is also terrible - you are his family, you and his child (then unborn).

The whole set up sounds ridiculous- your MIL clearly sees your home as her own - that she can come whenever, keep a car there, almost as though she lives in both places. It’s not fair on you at all.

I think in view of OP losing her mum and DH being aware of how badly affected she was, he should have been the one to cancel the visit. He sounds shit scared of his mum and tone deaf when it comes to his own wife.

I too am utterly flabbergasted at some of the responses on here.

Your husband is from a culture that is hugely family orientated. More than ours. And I can understand that asking his mother to go to a house in the North and be alone in a foreign country all by herself was a firm ‘no’.
The error was having visitors before you were able to handle it.

Read THE POSTS FFS

What would be the reason for MIL feeling hurt and offended in this scenario? That the DIL with pregnancy and grief is too tired to continue hosting?

Posters on this thread are behaving as if mums were not humans capable of understanding the situation.

Knowing how the OP felt, would you personally rather stay for those extra two days, or would you prefer to know and be able to give them the space DIL/SIL needs? Just as a once-off, after spending the Christmas with them.

OP, not that this is relevant in this thread, but does MIL contribute at all when she stays for weeks? Is there a room set up specifically for her?

It's nothing to do with being inconvenienced, it's being made to feel an inconvenience and unwelcome. I certainly wouldn't have stayed if asked to leave but I wouldn't have felt the same about DS or DIL as I'd never know if I was wanted there or not.

It was an awful situation and perhaps MIL should not have gone in the first place, but she did.

I am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible time what would have been.

The thing is that even if his mum had left your partner still wouldn’t have done whatever it is you were picturing. He made that quite clear.

I can’t imagine kicking my mil out a couple days before she was meant to leave. We are immigrants, so our family comes to stay for weeks at a time. I get how draining it is but I think the time to put a stop to it was before she came. Once she was there you were too late.

I am worried that you’re rehashing this months and months later though. Are you okay? Do you have support post partum?

I understand his not wanting to send his mother to an empty house when she'd come to visit him, but it was technically after Christmas, so not as bad as if it had been the 24th or 25th... I think the part I'd find hardest is what he said, that he'd never put you before his family. It just didn't need to be said, imo. Setting aside the loss of your own mother, that's not what you needed to hear as a pregnant wife/partner. At that point, you should be his priority. He was wrong to say that, in my view, and yes, it would undermine my faith in him and the relationship.

But it was also a lot to ask him to send his mother away early. For all any of us know, any Christmas could be the last with someone we love.

Every year, there are threads over Christmas about ILs overstaying their welcome without the complexities of grieving and pregnancy. And every year, the majority of people are saying that the ILs need to go, that the spouse needs to step up etc. This thread is really quite shocking in its lack of empathy for the OP.

All she wanted was the MIL to stay somewhere else locally for a couple of nights so she could grieve without hosting. Her husband could have visited her there, or she could have come back for an hour or two each day.

@Marygirlllll90

"he said he would never choose me over his family"

and there, in a nutshell, is the root of all your problems.

This is the difficult conversation that needs to be had, with your partner @Marygirlllll90 if, your relationship is to survive.

Losing your Mum whilst so young yourself, and pregnant, I understand why you felt inconsolable and unsupported, my heart aches for you. 🌸

Double post. Internet issue!

I'm a mum and have a daughter about your age, and I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I also had a MIL who was very close to my (now ex) husband and I often felt bombarded when she came for an extended stay. But my objections to this sometimes came across as unkindness and were definitely instrumental to the breakdown of our marriage. As a MIL myself who lives in a separate country, I try to be very aware of not overstaying my welcome, but I would be utterly devastated to be asked to go and stay in an empty house rather than be with my child and her spouse.

The whole set up sounds ridiculous- your MIL clearly sees your home as her own - that she can come whenever, keep a car there, almost as though she lives in both places. It’s not fair on you at all.

Completely agree. Mil sounds breathtakingly entitled. It’s bad enough to be visiting every few weeks, for weeks at a time but not at least giving notice and just rocking up unannounced is just rude. She needs to be reminded that this is not just her son’s home, but OP’s too and they need space.

And the first thing I would be doing is insisting that the car is moved from their property. It’s giving her the mobility she needs to be able to stay for weeks on end. Ask her to move it to BiL’s or pay for long term parking - see how keen she is on visiting after that. That sounds harsh but OP and her DH really do need to take control and stop enabling her sense of entitlement.