AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

So, there was a room specifically for her but with me being pregnant there had to be a room switch around and her room then became his sons rooms (previous relationship) and sons room became the nursery. (DS chose to move into that room as bigger and ensuite, so we then took his old room for nursery). So yes, she did have her own room but not now she would stay in DS room technically.

She doesn't contribute to anything no but I believe has helped my partner with money in the past, pre me.

You need to let it go and move on.

As you can see from the replies, both yours and your DHs arguments are valid and you keep thinking about it or trying to bring it up is not helpful.

You felt he should have been more supported.
He didn’t want his mum not staying in his home.
Neither of you are wrong.

If you really can’t get past this then you need to end the relationship and leave.
But I don’t think you seriously want to leave your child and partner to go and live elsewhere and I think this is just grief talking and you need to not let it come between you.

So you would prefer to be an actual inconvenience (with them saying nothing) than being told "sorry, it's becoming too much now, would you mind"?

If your child came to you and said ‘mum, my partners really struggling with Christmas, she didn’t realise just how much the loss of her mum would hit her. That on top of her pregnancy is making this a really difficult time for her, she just needs some quiet and some space. Would you mind going over to my brothers a few days early? I’ll come round tomorrow for a bit and we can go for a coffee and a mooch around the shops’ would you honestly feel upset? And that it was an attack on you? You wouldn’t just feel awful for your daughter in law?

OP, I feel for,you jver the death if your DM, especially as you were pregnant as well - that must have been very difficult. I think, though, that you were unreasonable to try to send MIL away over Christmas, especially when it was only for another couple of days, but your DP has made it very plain where you stand in the pecking order when he says, “he would never choose me over his family”. I would not be happy about that - your partner should choose you above all else. In precisely the same way, I would never expect my DC to put me above their partners - you are making a new family with your DP, and you should be his most important person.

For two nights, in a town you know, with other friends and family around, in your other son's house really nearby? When you've spent the first week of December at op's already and the full festive period, Devastated?

How about your heavily pregnant devastated dil?

Read my post. I said I would have left if asked, but I would have felt an inconvenience and unwelcome and wouldn't want to be going there again as I could never guarantee I wasn't an inconvenience again

You should have come downstairs. Wallowing in grief is bad for you - demoralising too. Talk about your mum to your MiL. Talk.

Well, no need to shout ?
Agreed, I should have read more. She is English. Brothers house is seven minutes away. Critical things not set out originally.
She had MIL to stay for far too long.

Yes sorry, probably missed out some important context initially.

@ArabellaWeird I think that people who have not yet experienced a close bereavement and the depths of the grief that follows it will not always be able to understand the pain you were in.

That's what I try to tell myself anyway.

I hope you can work through your resentments, perhaps with a grief counsellor.

I think I must live in a parallel universe to some of the posters on here.

The son had his mother to stay far too long. Not op. The op sounds incredibly generous and welcoming. She hosted her for almost 2 weeks in December, heavily pregnant and grieving.

The MIL stays there all the time.

She has numerous other places to stay.

She needs to us her resentment to explain to her DH to grow a spine and set some rules for his mother.
His mother coming for weeks and weeks without discussing the dates first, including self inviting herself 2 weeks after the birth (when the OP asked her DP to not invite her) doesn't work any more for the family.

She wasn’t in someone’s home. She was in her son’s home.
Im so sorry you have lost your mum. Thst should be a reminder of how fragile life is. I bet that made your partner recognise more how important it is to spend as much time as possible with him mum.

It’s understandable that it was your first christmas without your mum and your husband has his right there.

i think it’s fine thst you had the space upstairs to grieve your mum and your husband couple pop in and check on you from time to time. I don’t think there was any point in him mum just sat in an empty house by herself.
Very gently, yabu.

Maybe plan a shorter visit for this year, or plan somewhere that you can go if being with family is too difficult for you. Don’t try and cause issues for your husband and MIL, because that is selfish and unnecessary.

OP can’t ‘plan’ anything because her MiL turns up unannounced and stays for an average 3-4 weeks at a time. If you read OP’s update she says this happens 6-7 times a year. That’s just short of six months of the year !! I can’t believe you think it good advice to ask OP to leave her own home to accommodate her MiL, or that you think she’s the one causing issues. This is not on OP. It’s squarely on the shoulders of an entitled MiL and a husband who appears to have no backbone, unless he’s bullying his wife into complying with his mothers’ intrusions.

OP, do you share this house with your partner? What happens if you invite people to stay with hardly any notice? What if this clashed with MILs visit?

To be honest, if I had been the mum or the husband, I'd have seen the OP struggling, thanked them for a lovely time over xmas and the last 5 days and gone.

Exactly this.

I think I'd be thinking about this Xmas and saying after last year probably best you plan better because you don't want to dampen the mood or have to kick her out, so make alternate arrangements to avoid that. How's your relationship with your dad?

Relationship is good with my Dad, so I will likely spend a lot of this years Christmas with him.

How are things now with your DP @Marygirlllll90 relationship wise?

I assume there is a reason this still weighs so heavily?

I admit I started off thinking YWBU, but I've changed my mind after RTFT.

These were exceptional circumstances. Pregnant with your first child and grieving the loss of your mother. This was one of the times when you should expect your needs and wants to be prioritised. Instead you were put last so your husband's and your MIL's could come first. Two days in the grand scheme of things isn't a lot. You've been a gracious and attentive host for years, and probably will continue to be in the future.

You didn't want to go out to a spa or for a run or a swim, you wanted to grieve in your own home - your sanctuary. You didn't want yoir husband to take MIL out to give you space, you wanted time alone with him.
Although I suspect if he did ask his mum to leave a couple of days early, he probably would have resented you and taken it out on you. It sounds like he hasn't really been supportive of you at all and it might be time to rethink your future together. He said awful things to you and I don't think they were just said in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't bank on him sticking around if you were to become seriously ill in the future.

Yep, same.

I don’t agree that she should have been asked to leave. I think what should have happened is that her DH should have recognised his wife’s needs and cancelled the visit himself. And it’s not just her sons’ home, it’s OP’s too. Does she have no say ?

Im so sorry you have lost your mum. Thst should be a reminder of how fragile life is. I bet that made your partner recognise more how important it is to spend as much time as possible with him mum.

Guilting OP into allowing this situation to continue like this is pure misogyny. She lost her mum. She needs to be allowed to grieve in peace, instead of constantly thinking of the needs of other people instead of herself. MiL visits 6-7 times a year for 3-4 weeks at a time. She’s spending all but six months of the year with her son - how much more time does he need ?

I am very sorry for the loss of your DM.

I am personally on the side of your husband, to expel his elderly mother to an empty house would not have been kind. Although your Mil was in her home town/country the people, she used to know at this time of the festive season, would have been occupied with their own families.

I do hope the birth of your baby went as you wished.