AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

I've lost my parents I know how hard it is. But I couldn't have sent mil to an empty house for Christmas. I'd have just spent as much time alone upstairs as I could. Grief is so hard but I do think that would be unreasonable

He has another Brother about an hour away and she has now started using his house too since he got divorced (ex wife didn't like it for the durations MIL wanted and I think there was tension there).

I wonder how much this weird dynamic her kids seem to have with her came up before the divorce 🤨

Yeah I guess Christmas was the tip and that's why it's on my mind.

I asked my partner not to ask her to come for a few weeks once baby was born or to come over and stay at Brothers and just visit baby, but she turned up two weeks after he was born (I only knew she was coming from SIL) & was planning to stay 10 days, she stated she was too help but then said she didn't know how to change a nappy (she used reusable back in the day), and didn't know how to make a bottle, I thought to go and have my nails done as a treat and asked would she stay with the baby but she said no as she was too nervous, so I wouldn't say she was overly helpful but on this occasion I did have a gentle conversation with her myself as I couldn't trust my partner too and she split the time 5 days with us 5 days with BIL.

Well think that if she stayed in England, she might have expected even more intrusion in your life.

It sounds like she lives alone, is retired, of course she'll want to spend some time with her children.

YOU don't have to spend time with her but you can't restrict your OH from doing so.

I think in reality there’s space for everyone. No matter the circumstances (and I feel qualified to say this given the shit I’ve dealt with in my life), grace and understanding are available to everyone. Nobody showed anyone either in this instance. MIL didn’t absent herself enough to give OP space and time. Partner dug his heels in and did what he wanted. OP wanted exclusive attention and support.

This is what oldies mean when they say that young people are “selfish”, except MIL was selfish too. Everyone needed to cut everyone else some slack but instead nobody spared a thought for others’ positions. I suppose at least in this regard they’re evenly matched.

And I wonder if it’s occurred to OP’s H that his own marriage could go the same way if he doesn’t stand up to MIL.

I would have been very upset and I think it would have permanently tarnished my relationship with you.

So you would rather make your heavily upset, grieving, miserable and exhausted DIL suffer for another two days than be a bit inconvenienced?
Even now when you know how she felt?
Wow. Just wow. That sounds sooo selfish

It is a city MIL knows well, she has her own car available, she just doesn't keep her own home there and she uses those of her sons families.

I suppose that by not asking her to leave (maybe she wouldn't really care, who knows) the DH tarnished the arrangement when his mum was able to spend unlimited time in their home.
It showed clearly the the OP doesn't have right to have some quiet and space in her own home even under very specific conditions once MIL comes, so they will need to plan accordingly the next time.

Yes she lives alone in a community in Spain, she has a very active life there and chose to live there and states she will never move back to the UK.

Ours and Brothers houses are her base when in UK, she visits quite often and for 4-6 weeks during Summer as she finds Spain too hot.

ffs “doesnt know how to change a nappy” you still change a reusable and guess what I’d never changed a nappy of any type before I had a baby but I figured it out.

This is what it’s all about really isn’t it. Turning up unannounced two weeks after you had a baby for 10 days?!? Make an AIBU about that and you’ll get a much different reaction OP

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but i think part of the grieving process would be to let it go if you can. It’s still not very long since you lost your mum 💕
i lost my mum in my 30s, not long after losing a baby. Not one thing could have made that first christmas ok, being around someone else’s mum (whoever that may be) would have been unbearable so i can appreciate how awful that must have been.
What i’ve learnt is that people who haven’t experienced grief, they just don’t get it, they can’t. They can try (and it sounds like he is trying). He shouldn’t have said what he did, but he was also in what he felt was an awkward situation and didn’t understand your grief. It sounds like his mum isn’t as much of an empath or emotionally intelligent as your mum, which is also really upsetting when you’re missing her. It’s insult to injury, isn’t it?
It sounds like more conversations to be had to get past this if you can. With a little baby you also need to be able to say when you need space and your house back, and he needs to be able to support you with that too 💕

At the crux of this, you asked for something from your partner at a time when you felt desperately low and needed his help.

You didnt demand or make ultimatums, sounds like you struggled along as long as you could to make everyone else comfortable and then calmly expressed what you thought you needed from him - just time and 121 support. And in response he made it clear that what you desperately need from him is less important than mildly inconveniencing a member of his family.

The particular details here aren' t massively important. You now know that at your lowest ebb, he is not someone on who you can turn to or rely on. Unless that can be repaired somehow, you will never be able to move on and resentment will fester.

Sorry if that sounds dramatic, but this is nothing to do with his mother. Posters will get sidetracked all day on mother in law/daughter in law dynamics, but really it's about whether you can rely on your partner or not?

That was unkind of him, but in the context of an argument where OP was trying to get him to upset his own Mum, it’s not surprising that difficult things were said. It is not easy to be someone’s only support when they are grieving so I don’t think those words are a deal breaker. Grief does sour special occasions. That’s a fact. It doesn’t need to be said, but I expect we are missing a lot of context here and anything else the DP did to be supportive over that time has been omitted.

I can see his point about not sending his mum to stay alone over Christmas - that’s not on OP, and I don’t see how you could have done it without leaving her believing that she was somehow responsible for your problems, which is very unfair. But having said that, what he said to you is totally unacceptable. He should have had your back and made an effort to take the load off you for the rest of her stay. How are things now, because I get the impression that something has happened since for you to still be giving it headspace, given that it was six months ago. Are you getting the support you need.

Just context on this, I don't always know the dates that she is coming.
Christmas I did and as I said I tried to persevere with other dates through the year she has just turned up or my partner tells me a few days before and he often isn't sure for how long because he doesn't want to ask.

Well with this extra information, I think we have a very inconsiderate MIL, a Mummy's Boy DP, and an OP who would probably have been at the end of her tether, even without the challenges she has already faced recently.

Indeed. Seems unlikely somehow though as this family seems very entrenched in their dysfunction

Considering what he actually said to OP, I can’t imagine that gels with him being otherwise supportive.

Your MIL did nothing to deserve being turfed out. The 28th December is still the Christmas period and she had expected to be welcome until 30th December.

My beloved father died in November several years ago, so I understand what it feels like to miss a parent at Christmas. However, I have never imagined that turfing my in-laws out of our home when we have invited them to stay would make me feel better.

I respect them and my husband enough not to even consider it.

It's sometimes difficult to see things from someone else's point of view when grief is overwhelming, but consider this. If your husband's mother had died (who he presumably loves as you loved yours) would you have considered him reasonable to want to kick your mother out at Christmas?

While some posters on here are trying to make a case for your mother-in-law being unreasonable, I do not see any objective proof that she is. Her son obviously loves her (as you loved yours) and wants to spend time with her. That makes her a welcome guest, not a cheeky fucker.

Love isn't finite. He can love both of you. Neither of you should expect him to choose one of you over the other.

If you were being expected to actively “host” MIL, cook meals, put on entertainment etc. then a better solution would have been for your DP to completely take over, sort out food, take her for trips out and basically not make her stay your problem. It would have been easier for him to explain your absence - grief and pregnancy - rather than turfing his own mum out. It sounds like he didn’t suggest that which I think is the issue. I’ve lost a parent OP and I know grief comes over us at big moments like Christmas but I do think it would have seemed a bit cruel to ask her to go and stay alone somewhere.

Did you read all of OP’s comments?

only she’s answered the question about her own mother several times.

I wouldn’t forgive my husband for that. I also know that were the roles reversed, my my own mum would have enough empathy and self awareness to have decided to leave earlier herself.

I can only assume a lot of posters on this thread haven’t experienced grief without proper support. Losing a parent is hard - losing your mum at a young age while pregnant with your first child is devastating.

The OP was struggling to cope upstairs crying after doing her best to ensure mil could still have a nice Xmas day. She simply reached the end of what she could endure. Her husband and mil should both have been looking out for her that’s what family should do. I’d really struggle to forgive his behaviour and the comments he made. I also think I’d struggle to have mil visit for any more extended trips given her complete lack of sensitivity. In your place my mil and DH would both have been regularly checking in with me and done anything to help even if it meant leaving a few days early!

Sorry, I’m with your partner on this. It was pre-arranged that his mum come from overseas and spend Xmas and leave in 30th. You then wanted to toss her out to an empty house beforehand. Parents dying is sad, mine have died, DH’s have died, and while extremely sad, life must go on, it doesn’t stop. Neither of us would have ever thought to try and toss the others parent out in such a situation, if anything, it shows how precious time is with people who are still here.

Hi op, I cannot believe some of the responses you have got on here. Lots of people saying how awful to send her away over the Christmas period.... did they read the posts properly? She had the Christmas period with you, 5 days, and was due to go and stay with her other son on the 30th.... by the 28th, you were exhausted, grieving, 6 months pregnant, it was your first Christmas without your mum.

I would have been losing my mind at this point. Your husband sounds very selfish and so does she. How could she not read the room and see you needed some breathing space?

It's not like you were banishing her to some awful place where she didn't know anyone or she hadn't stayed before. Your husband should've kindly asked her if she'd mind going a little early to her other son's, for 2 nights.

You poor thing. I hope you're feeling a bit better now. Your husband said some terrible things to you, about how he'd never put you first. Your mil sounds v selfish and uses your house as a long term hotel when she's over from Spain. Imagine coming over for 10 days to stay when your baby was 2 weeks old and not changing a nappy or giving a bottle.... or looking after the little one for an hour to give you a break!

I don't know what the solution is but I just wanted you to know that in my book, you're not being unreasonable at all xx

Another gentle yabu but I’m sorry for your loss.

😘