AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

He could have said “I am so so sorry that you are finding Christmas hard, and I totally understand that you want your space right now, unfortunately I absolutely can’t ask my mum to leave. But is there anything else I can do to help you? Can I book you a day at a spa so you can have some time to yourself, can i help you pretend you have Covid and we will “quarantine” you up here and I’ll drop meals so you have space” etc etc, so many options were available to him that would have helped you whilst keeping his mum there
Why options available to HIM? How about OP making these suggestions herself too?

I don’t think I quite understand your analogy but my husband would also want our children to support their OHs too. He would leave as well.

It's about a 7 minutes drive, MIL has a car that she keeps with us in the UK because she visits often.

The OP was heavily pregnant, and grieving the loss of her mother.
why is it too much to ask that her partner step up?

This thread really show how self centered some young women can be. It's about their feelings and everyone should ensure their feelings are considered regardless of everyone else's because their feelings are just more important.
Are you joking? Her mother died weeks before the visit. How self centred is MIL not letting a major life changing experience for OP get in the way of her Christmas plans.

Not unreasonable she shouldn’t have stayed in the first place. From now on she needs to stay with her other kids or move back to the uk and buy a house.

I don’t understand why posters are defending this, It isn’t normal to invite yourself to someone’s home for a week several times a year, unless you are a cheeky fuck of course
Where does it say anywhere that she is imposing herself? OP never said she asked her OH that her mother doesn't come.

If she has an issue with how often she stays, 3 times a year, then she needs to say something in advance not during.

why is it too much to ask that her partner step up?
Being pregnant and grieving doesn't mean you become hopeless and totally reliant on others to make you happy.

I would never have expected someone who was going through a recent major bereavement to host me over Christmas in the first place!

And if someone had to hint to me a few days after Christmas that it was time to leave as they were struggling, I would be mortified to have imposed on them. The BIL and his wife sound as though they have far more tact and sensitivity than the H and the MIL.

I do sympathise, but he also has limited Christmases with his mother. It would have been unbearably cruel to make her spend it alone in another country. Would you have done this to your mother?

Unfortunately I don’t think there was a good solution in this scenario.

I’m so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is horrendous.

I agree with this about the discrepancy. It’s a huge one. To me and my husband, our family comes first - so that’s the kids, then each other. Our parents are obviously hugely important but they’re not a priority. If my husband needed mental space like the OP of course I’d ask my mother to leave, whether she was happy about it or not. I think that’s the right way to see it and how I’d expect our kids to see us. Obviously as our own parents start to need care and our kids need less, things will shift but that’s not this scenario. If my husband told me he’d never put me above his mother that’s unforgivable tbh especially if it doesn’t really seem like he’s genuinely remorseful, I think he meant it - he just had to apologise to move on.

it isn’t normal to invite yourself to someone’s home for a week several times a year, unless you are a cheeky fuck of course.

Quite. So with this as context, I can see the OP's point, even though I concede it would have been awkward to get MIL to leave 2 days earlier than planned. Maybe MIL could have read the room a bit though, and made herself scarce?

Asking OP would have been the decent thing to do. A call to say I totally understand if you want to skip my Christmas visit this year given your mother recently died and you might find the first Christmas difficult with me being there. Not hard. Basic human decency to expect things to change for one Christmas.

Just context on this, I don't always know the dates that she is coming.

Christmas I did and as I said I tried to persevere with other dates through the year she has just turned up or my partner tells me a few days before and he often isn't sure for how long because he doesn't want to ask.

YANBU at all. And this comment, "he said he would never choose me over his family" is the reason you should leave him. There's no backtracking or apology that makes this right. This is what he believes and this is what drives his actions. He won't change. You are not his family.

OP’s MIL is inviting herself into OP’s home 6-7 times a year for weeks at a time. The only person controlling in this situation is the CF MIL.

Are you joking? Her mother died weeks before the visit. How self centred is MIL not letting a major life changing experience for OP get in the way of her Christmas plans
Grief is horrible, but it does affect everyone at some point in our life. The world doesn't stop turning.

OP should have said no to MIL staying in the first place if it was going to cause such hardship. Two extra days when she wasn't under pressure to entertain her mil and she was free to stay away or do her own things was not asking for the impossible.

What a sad life if we can’t lean on our partners to be our strength every once and a while though

Is she? Or is her son inviting and totally okay with her staying? Seems that way

Christmas I did and as I said I tried to persevere with other dates through the year she has just turned up or my partner tells me a few days before and he often isn't sure for how long because he doesn't want to ask
Then you need to tackle this, especially with a young baby. If you find her presence quite an effort, you need to discuss compromises with your OH in advance. It should not be imposed on you.

I totally get this, but if he has been supporting OP in her grief for the months leading up to this, perhaps actually he now needed his mum there for a bit of support too.

We can’t pour from an empty cup and after weeks and weeks of being the support maybe actually he just needed and wanted some time with his mum.

What a sad life if we can’t lean on our partners to be our strength every once and a while though
It's all about expectations though. In this instance, her OH made it clear that his mum staying alone in an empty house wasn't an option. That's fair enough. There were other compromises that could have been agreed (and maybe there were).

This is insanely unreasonable. Does she still do this now you have a baby? Is she useful when she visits? At least that might help but it sounds like you dread it and for him not to want to ask is just bizarre. Their relationship sounds dysfunctional. I’m guessing the Christmas thing is just the tip of the iceberg

England is her native country, she relocated to Spain by choice for retirement but uses our house as a base for the UK when she wants to visit or during the summer as she finds Spain too hot, her sisters etc still live in the UK but further up north.

He has another Brother about an hour away and she has now started using his house too since he got divorced (ex wife didn't like it for the durations MIL wanted and I think there was tension there).

Is MIL quite a selfish person generally, or does she acknowledge that other people have wants and needs? For example, does she help out when she stays?