AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

I think the most concerning thing here is your DP and his lack of care, empathy, sympathy, feeling towards you… You were navigating through both grief and pregnancy hormones simultaneously and he just left you alone saying he’d “always put his own family before you”- what a hurtful, hideous thing to say. I can understand why he didn’t want to send his mum away to be alone over the Christmas period but his comments and also lack of care towards you generally are worrying.

You read it but talk about her giving up the downstairs of her house to her husband, ok...

OP is in a very vulnerable position; I don't delight in it having been in a similar position in the past and have previously extended my sympathy. It is a fact that can't be ignored because you want to push a false narrative while pulling up others accusing them of twisting posts.

While it is her home, her partner has clearly told her in words and actions that it's his property and he chooses who stays, when and how often. OP didn't have a say in that, her partner, the owner, and his mother came first. (She may though already have some claim on the house, as she has invested money in renovations, so legal advice should be sought if/ when appropriate.)

Have his feelings of "hierarchy" (that his mother is more important) already changed now that OP is the mother of one of his children?

If/ when they marry or OP becomes a joint owner, her legal position in this house will change, but will his attitude about her feelings?

Let them?

In what universe is this a legal question? She isn't asking about her legal rights to evict her partner's mother, she's asking a relationship question.

If the house was rented it would be referred to colloquially as her house regardless of ownership, and by the same token it's her house (not legally hers to sell - hers in the sense that it's commonly understood in sentences such as "shall we meet at your house?" or "I've got a new plant for my garden". or whatever. Do you usually turn around and quiz people about who owns the property they live in? It's only relevant if it's a legal issue, otherwise what matters is whose primary residence it is.

How much money have you spent on HIS house?

This is dead money.
Very BAD idea.

Do NOT do it again.

Have you receipts, proof?
If you do, keep them safe.

If things go tits up, you should get this money back.

You need to protect yourself very carefully.

You are not his priority at all.
Don't be foolish with your only security.

I wouldnt send me mum away if she was visiting from spain and would expect my partner not to ask me to do that. Its a few days then she was leaving.
Both my parents have died within the last 2 years and the grief is crippling. I find it hard being around my in laws (no idea why they are perfectly ok) but I couldnt ask my husband to not be close to his mum. She is his mum. He gets to have us both and dont think getting into would you pick me or her is helpful to anyone. I just couldnt. Gently yabu.

She hasn’t done that though but IMO, it’s time she did.

personally if I was 6 months pregnant, struggling with the very recent death of my mother and my partner still expected me to host and cook christmas dinner and then to top it off screamed at me? I would have left him and his mother that day and not looked back.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t have his Mum? She had visited for a week at the start of December & had been with for 5 days whilst I hosted her over Christmas? No doubt be back again a few weeks later.
it was never to be a choice of me & her as though he was never to see her again? or hadn’t just spent time directly with her? She chose to relocate to Spain for a nicer way of life when my partner was 21 (he stayed in the UK) & she visits very frequently, I guess you could say she already chose Spain over her son if everyone is looking at this as choices?

I think it’s an odd perception that this was a full on choice, it should have never been seen that way, I know my mum would never see giving space as someone else being chosen over her it would be about doing what could be seen as a kind thing during a very difficult time for someone.

Starting to wonder why I didn’t do this to be honest.

It is not the same as a rented home.

She isn't a tenant with a legal right to remain and it isn't yet her marital home, which also comes with legal rights. OP is vulnerable currently, which is the point. If they were to split and he asks her to leave, she will have to leave despite it being her home.

I'm not suggesting they will split or that he will ask her to leave, but if you think she has as much right to restrict guests as the owner occupier does, you would be wrong. The owner made it clear that he didn't consider her an equal partner as far as the property was concerned, and that his mother came before her. Hopefully this attitude has changed now that they are a family.

When the property is next re-mortgaged, should they remain unmarried, OP will probably be required by the mortgage company, under legal advice, to sign documentation confirming that she has no rights over the property. Something to bear in mind, especially as she has made investment in the property, so it will need to be addressed at some point.

This isn't the Relationships board, so yes it is fine to discuss the legal aspect, which OP has expressed her concerns about, and no need for you to police the thread.

Do I think OP should be allowed to ask her partner for space from his mother? Sure, but when he said no, that he wanted her to stay, in the house he owns and lives in, that was perfectly understandable too.

Am I right in thinking that there was a grandchild in the house that she was spending time with too, the partner's older child?

Do I think his mum stays in the house too often and for too long? Yes 💯, but that's the arrangement mother and son had before OP and continue to have. OP chose to move in knowing this and has always accepted it, until it sadly became too much on 28 Dec.

Just to confirm his older Son had already gone to his Mum, she had spent time with him.

& with the arrangement being pre me that is definitely true, I knew she visited but had no idea how regularly or for the length of time. I have spoke to my partner about this and asked why he wasn’t more honest with me before I sold my home & moved in & he said because I probably wouldn’t have chosen to move in then.

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying & there is obviously a lot of deeper issues going on here that it seems I’m only just unlocking.

Nowhere here has she offered any reflection on what her partner may have had going on in his life at that time. We all have ‘stuff’ going on - maybe he was feeling vulnerable to. Maybe he was exhausted from supporting a needy and grieving partner. Maybe only he knew, and maybe needed his mum.
I’ve been married for 35 years. Presently my DH has a mountain of stress in all parts of his life and as a result isn’t thinking too much about what is essentially the small stuff meanwhile. And goodness me, he’s been a bit snappy a couple of times!
Do I immediate think that I must divorce him - after all I’m not the very centre of his world - and the grass hasn’t been cut!
No - a true partnership is based on recognising when give and take is needed, coupled with simple and clear communication.
I’d say all of those saying to leave him/ keep your money safe and so on may either be divorced or maybe heading that way. It’s no way to approach what is just one issue in a long life.
Grow up, and seek a better tomorrow.

people find it extreme but to me a man who has the attitude that his family is his parents and siblings and that should be his first priority is a man who should be left to stay single. I also feel like if your in laws had any care for you they wouldn't have expected you to cook and host christmas either. I am a big family person but I cannot have family staying with me constantly and I can't live in a house that my partner asserts belongs to him only. he isn't ready to be a committed partner. leave him to his mummy.

So he's a liar that manipulated you to move in under false pretences?

You have his child and while pregnant and grieving he screams at you and tells you his mother comes first?

He's utter scum.

Time you packed up.
Bring all paperwork with you.
Go and stay with family.

Talk to Women's aid.
Because you are vulnerable and in an abusive relationship.

Don't let this be your life.

Get organised quietly and leave.

Leave him to his mummy.

Do you love him OP?
Do you think he loves you? Will support you and be by your side?

I think know know the answer.

Can your dad help you financially? Or at least practically? Friends? Local family?

No need to answer, but in what order did your relationship move? In terms of engagement, moving in together, pregnancy. He was obviously also keen for you to move in if he lied by omission how much his mum stayed. Is there an actual plan to marry, or just an engagement for now?

You have been through so much emotional turmoil coupled with a pregnancy in a short space of time, individual counselling sounds like it might be your next best step. Or at least clear time to think objectively. You don't want to make any decisions before you can process everything in your mind.

I'm very sympathetic of the situation you were in and you were not wrong to be hurt, but ultimately found your OP unreasonable. 💐BTW, I know some people have taken my posts the wrong way, so thank you for responding and (I think) not taking it as a personal attack that I pointed out the different position being unmarried currently puts you in with regards to the property. So many posters were giving irrelevant advice by assuming you were married.

OP you should not have had to host last Christmas, especially for such a long time. It sounds very difficult.

Out of interest, if your mother-in-law had a different personality, would that have helped? If she was a warm caring type who supported you as you were grieving? Or would that annoy you more. It doesn’t sound like the relationship is that warm and caring.

What are the plans for this Christmas? You really need to start prioritising yourself this year. Your husband needs to support you. It doesn’t sound like anybody thought of you at Mother’s Day either. I can understand why you feel let down.

You have wrote all of this based on assumptions & you seem like a very bitter cruel person so I wish you well.

What a mad take.

losing your mother at a relatively young age, whilst pregnant, and then having a wave of grieve hit you on your first Christmas without her isn’t ‘stuff’

and it’s not needy to expect support from your partner. Jesus, if that’s your take no wonder yours is snappy with you.

there are so many words that spring to mind when people post things like this.
I won’t use them, as I’m sure the comment would be deleted.

@Marygirlllll90 you come across as articulate, strong minded and very much up for having it out with posters.

So why don’t you do this in RL with your own partner?

Can you rely on your dad to help? Friends? Family?

OP I celebrated my silver wedding anniversary last year. I have a good healthy marriage with high standards and I absolutely think you deserve better and should walk away from this relationship. He does not sound emotionally supportive at all. You sound bright, articulate and caring and deserve better.

Agree with you.

Her not saying too much was actually very helpful to the situation and you both as you have said you don’t have a great relationship and are resentful. Anything she said would be ‘wrong’ due to your
fragile emotional state (grieving / pregnant).

I am sorry you have lost your mum so early and before your baby was born. Thats horrific and a lot to carry - can you seek some counselling to guide you through?

You may be projecting your grief (the anger phase) on to your MIL - because she is still alive. I understand those unconscious feelings but it doesn’t make any negative impact on her by your behaviour acceptable.

It’s nearly July and you seem stuck on this. Maybe you are really stuck in your grief - or maybe you have PND developing? Get some support to soothe the pain you have suffered and resolve any inadvertent projection onto your DH or MIL. Hurt people, hurt people.

So if you're going through a period of stress and vulnerability, you won't tell your partner in case he has stuff going on that he hasn't told you about?

Doesn't seem much like a partnership.

Just two people not communicating and being "snappy" with each other.

And you're telling the OP to grow up?