AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

Thank you and mil wanted to visit her new grandchild, totally understandable

She was welcome to visit, I suggested before I gave birth that she stay with his brother & visit for short periods like other family members would when visiting a mum & new baby but she chose to come over & stay with us for 10 days when I was two weeks pp & not give me prior knowledge of her arrival, I found out via partners sister in law.

I have done it many times in real life but I’m met with a very angry tone & often pretty much told to F off.

communication or confrontation isn’t his strong point & turns to a more aggressive tone rather than a discussion.

I definitely have people around me who will help to support me when I need it if my circumstances change.

This is six months ago , why is it still bothering you ?

I have had so much advice & it’s been eye opening to see different perspectives & also just how many people can get things spot on that I’m feeling or have felt/been through just from this thread.

I think ultimately I’m not in a relationship where I am being put first or being treated in a kind or thoughtful way & that’s not how I want to spend my life.

For 10 days?

By the by. Statutory Residence Test. Is she a resident of Spain or UK? Where is she paying her tax? Is she filling in her UK tax return correctly? A British person living in Spain/EU with one tie (official term meaning somewhere to stay eg your partner’s / her house) she is allowed 90 days to 120 days visiting time in the UK, if up to 190 days in a tax year, she needs to give explanation to the tax people. This is to stop British people coming back into the country, not paying tax and using facilities and I expect the same is for UK people living in Spain. Brexit rears its head again. Of course there would be a tax agreement between UK and EU countries.

And you sound very young and likely without much life experience. I do have both age and experience - of grief certainly - and shared my beliefs. Maybe you’re not yet ready to consider that you cannot ever be at the centre of everything.

Have you considered getting counselling? As see it the issue is the rights and wrongs of the argument you had with your husband at Christmas but the fact you are still thinking about it and feeling hurt 6
months later. Grief really messes with us and l counselling did help me a lot after my mum died.

Would you have sent your mum to an empty house if the roles had been reversed? It does sound like a really rude (if not cruel) thing to do to a close relative who is visiting you and you are not even saying she was doing anything wrong. He may be your partner but his Mum will always be his Mum. He sounds like a loving son which is something to be pleased about really.

Your relationship doesn't sound great either, tbh.

Imagine you got to that situation as a MIL.

Would you rather:
A) Be told, that they had misjudged what they can offer now, and it would help them if you moved to the brother's house two days earlier. You have your car and know the city well, maybe even have some old friends there, your son will stop by daily, but needs a chance to take care of his pregnant wife now.

B) Be a burden, meaning that your grieving, miserable, pregnant and absolutely exhausted DIL should suck it up and suffer for two more days, just to not harm your feelings?

The situation is that you've spent a month in their home at summer, some time in the Autumn, week in the early December and 5 days over the Christmas just now.

I know what would be my preference.

ETA: yes, I would explain to my mum if this was the case. She would understand. The same is true for my partner and his mum.

She’s a Spanish resident officially so I assume pays taxes there but she is retired.

What a patronising post. I am well into my 50s and don’t think the OP comes across as young or immature or anything else. She lost her mum and had a newborn. As far as I’m concerned, her needs should have been at the centre of everything, certainly from her partner’s point of view at least.

Agreed

No I would not have sent MIL away. To a cold empty house just after Christmas when she is also probably missing people in her life. That period of year is really bleak for people that have lost someone whether yesterday or years ago. Why do people forget that perhaps widowed elderly people also miss their partners however long ago it was .

Missing them that much she moved away from her children.