AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

To be honest OP you lost me once you said it’s actually not even your house, it’s his, not married and his mum contributed financially to the cost of the house- his house, her son, their choice really.

Yeah, this is an issue. I owned my own home but sold it to move into his, so really should of not sold it and stayed living alone with our baby? and just left his house to his and his Mum? Doesn't feel like that would be a very good dynamic..

I was obviously under an impression that me moving in and making it a family home wouldn't mean it just wasn't my house and I had to put up and shut up as we were starting a family and soon to be married.

Or the alternative would have been to buy a FAMILY home, together, and get married before deciding to have a baby to ensure you moved into parenthood without “yours” and “mine” but rather “ours”. And if he wasn’t prepared to do that, really that was your first “this is not a good person to start a life with” red flag.

It’s his house, you say his mum gave money towards it and perhaps the “cost” of that was that she can use it as a base when she visits if she chooses. You don’t get a say there really.

Unfortunately, you want more support than he feels able or willing to give. There is not much you can do about that, so you need to decide if your relationship is worth saving on the level of support you are getting, or whether you are better off bringing up your child without him.

Do you have a date for getting married? Do you still want to marry him? If you do, it's probably worth doing so as soon as possible, then you will have the marital rights you don't have at the moment if you split up later.

I know that isn't a very romantic reason for getting married, but you need to look after yourself and your child if he won't.

The plan was to do that down the line, his house is big enough and he is tied into a very low mortgage (1%) for at least 5 more years so it made sense at the time, it isn't always as easy as just sell and do this or that. I moved into this home with the idea of creating a family unit and space, but i guess in your opinion I have no right to that as I don't own the home so I should just put up with anything even if not comfortable.

Odd way to look at it, but again just different opinions I guess.

No OP keep your money separate. This is urgent to do before you marry. You can still live and marry him but as soon as money is in the marriage pot you have lost your security.

It’s his and his mother’s house and your family home but not your house. They had an agreement . His mother staying even when you were grieving was her putting her stamp on her house Maybe his brother was already married when he agreed, so his wife was in the agreement but you were not. This is nothing about you leaving, separation or divorce, just for your benefit, see a solicitor to invest in your money.

It’s not “my opinion”, it’s quite literally factual and the law OP. It’s not your house to dictate on.

...i guess in your opinion I have no right to that as I don't own the home so I should just put up with anything even if not comfortable

Unfortunately, it isn't just Jellybelly's opinion, it's the law. Based on what you have told us, your partner's mother might have more rights than you on this.

You must do what's in your best interests now.

Sorry. 😞

Jellybunny, not Jellybelly...

I'm with you on that.

The only people it's right to have unconditional love for are your children. I don't expect my adult children to put me before their partners and I absolutely never would expect them to put me anywhere close to their own children in order of priority.

What kind of petty, narcissistic, emotionally stunted parent drops their child because their child didn't put the parent first, behind child's spouse!

Guests are like (raw) fish and are a lot less appealing after three days (unless they're your own children) - completely lacking in self awareness to impose on a young couple for a week in any circumstances, but especially when you can see that it's causing one of the couple to have to retire upstairs to cry because she's just lost her own mother and is heavily pregnant!

That's very easy to say now, but I would imagine that 30 years from now, when your baby is an adult, your opinion may be substantially different.

It is not my opinion OP. I am for protecting women and your money will get lost if you don’t do something soon.
Your partner will not know if you see a solicitor for advice unless you tell him.

I believe the first half hour is free.
Just put it down to experience and sort yourself out for the future if you are not comfortable with the situation.

He has awful form for not putting you first.
I think sadly you have chosen to have a child with a man who doesn't care enough about you.

These responses are awful.
Please don't have another child with him.
He's not good enough.
Your MIL and him are just not very nice people.

I'm so sorry.
I hope you have friends that care for you.
This keeps coming up for you because you know in your gut it wasn't kind.

Protect yourself.
He doesn't deserve you.

Just read about his house.
I hope you are returning to work and childcare costs will be shared.

You need to protect yourself financially very carefully.

You have no rights whatsoever to his home.

So...
Imagine the situation happened. You've just spent 5 days over Christmas at your DD/DS's home, your DIL/DIS is grieving, miserable and exhausted.

Would you rather
A) They explained they haven't judged correctly their capabilities at this moment and feel they need to cut this visit short. You know the city well, have your car and alternative accommodation 7 minutes away.

B)They didn't tell you anything and suffered for two days longer, exhausted, miserable and secretly looking forward to you leaving

The more you tell us the more shocked I am. We helped our dc with deposits but I do not regard their houses as partly mine or that I have any right to use them.
She and your partner sound quite enmeshed, already with norms and patterns and you were expected just to slot in and cooperate.
I wouldn’t be rushing to leave but would certainly postpone the wedding till I had several very frank discussions with your partner about whether you will ever view your relationship and expectations of each other in the same way.

Regardless, I understand why your husband said no to sending his mum away. I can understand why you were hurt by his comments and I guess that's another issue, but in his shoes I would have refused as well I'm afraid.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that the MIL uses the houses as bases because she put money towards them.. someone suggested it and OP says she doesn't know.

It sounds to me like the MIL is invited to stay and happily accepts, as is what usually happens when a close family member lives far away.

@Marygirlllll90 , what happened to the money from the sale of your house? Do you still have it, or have you put it into his house e.g. by paying towards the mortgage or home repairs or have you been spending it on other expenses? Your partner has a valuable asset in his name, but I’m concerned that you might not.

This! So sorry for what you were going through Op but awful to suggest sending his mum away to an empty house when she lives abroad. I’m glad he didn’t agree although perhaps he could have done more to support you (no idea what though).

I would hope to have raised my son to be compassionate and kind to his grieving, pregnant wife and also sensitive to his mother who wanted to spend time over Christmas with her son. I think it would be perfectly possible to balance everyone's needs in this scenario.

Honestly? I'd choose my dad over any partner.
Your partner lives in a different country to his mum, so wanted to make the most of the time they had together, plus it was still the holiday season. I'd never send my dad away to go be in a house elsewhere by himself. I'm guessing you wouldn't have been ok with partner and his mum going to his brothers and leaving you home by yourself either? Basically, you wanted your partner all to yourself and his mum to go away, and that's awfully selfish, it was just for a few days, yes, you were being unreasonable.

This.

my eldest is only 12, and I regularly say to her that when she’s older all I want her to take in to account is her happiness, not mine.
she’s not to worry about my opinion, she’s to go off and live her life independently.
the amount of people who would take a request to leave a little earlier than planned, under the circumstances, as some savage attack is insane to me.

Also, we have no idea if his mother has given him any financial help in terms of the house. It could have been for anything.
I hope to be in the position to help my children with their first homes, doesn’t mean I have a stake in them. Equally, I put money in their savings monthly for their first car. You won’t find me doing twats laps round town in them whenever I fancy because I’ve bought them.

OP, I’m sorry, and feel free to ignore this, but please don’t marry that man. keep your finances separate.

Nail on the head!

I still have majority of it & put some towards home renovations on my partners house.

I am thinking it’s most likely definitely best I purchase a property again in my name after this thread.