AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

OP only disclosed this information after I had posted. Up to that point she hadn’t specified whether they were married or not, and in one post had referred to herself as his wife. OP also says she sold her home to make his a family home. Not sure what that means, but clearly there has been some financial input on her part.

Forget about the mum situation for a minute…. he is a shit and unsupportive partner who’s been useless since you gave birth. Yes?

Yep. And it transpires that they’re not married, so if I were OP I would be rethinking the whole situation.

"he said he would never choose me over his family" regardless about the situation, this would be it for me.

And not wasting time processing a single event half a year ago

but instead the much broader and concerning reality that she’s had a baby with a knob

The way your husband spoke to you about "ruining" Christmas was awful, he should have been supportive instead.

However I would caution against expecting people to be mind readers or see things exactly as you do.

For example, you felt the fact that you were upstairs crying should have indicated that the hosting Christmas wasn't working out, mil should go, and you needed your partners full attention.

They may have felt they were being understanding by giving you space upstairs and not pressuring you to be part of things. They might have assumed some time to yourself was what you needed, and that's what you were getting.

Many people would also take time out alone when upset and not want company at that time. Or not want to impact other people enjoying their Christmas.

Ok putting Christmas aside and i do think you were softly ur. It's not your home and you are not married. Do you really want to live like this? You have a child now and that changes everything. This is time to truly evaluate if this is the life you want to raise your child in and live in yourself.That this is bothering you this long after says that's just the tip of the iceberg. I would leave.

I just don't think going to another house 7 minutes away so I could have space and time alone is unreasonable.

IMO it is, lots of people on here say the same as does your partner, I think you need to close the door on it to be honest. Asking him to turf his mum out after you'd invited her to stay was always going to be problematic.

I don't think I'd do this in his shoes either, I'd 100% support you in every way I could but I wouldn't kick my mum out just because you "wanted me to yourself" all of a sudden.. and I'd be annoyed at my partner if he put me in this position, I'd have expected him to be honest about what his needs would be BEFORE she was invited to stay, and of course made arrangements around his needs.

I lost my mum at Christmas a few years ago, I know exactly how awful it is to get through what is supposed to be a 'happy occasion' when no one else is feeling what you are feeling, at the end of the day you've lost your mum, no one was expecting it to be a 'lovely' Christmas, you just have to get through that first one. But you seem to have put all that pressure on yourself, gave it everything you didn't have to give, and then you fell to pieces.

Kicking his mum out would not have alleviated your grief in any way, so he was right to say no IMO.

The OP didn’t know what her needs were BEFORE she came to visit.

she said herself she had no idea she’d find it as hard as she did.

she also didn’t think her grief would disappear alongside her MIL.

what she wanted was the space to feel her feelings.

I'm not sure why you posted in AIBU OP, as you seem very clear in your opinion that you weren't unreasonable. Why have you asked everyone else only to get cross and defensive when they don't share your view?

I do believe his Mum gave him some help financially towards his house a lot of years before we met, as she did with his Brothers too so i'm not sure if that's where it comes from that she uses them all as UK bases.
OP

She could have sold the family, bought her place in Spain and helped her two sons buy big houses on the understanding that her money would allow her to stay whenever she wanted to come to England.

I am not suggesting anything but sorry OP, the decisions were made before you came on the scene. With your own money you should buy something under your own name to cover your baby’s future before you get married.

I don't think i've got 'cross and defensive' I have just engaged and added more context.

what she wanted was the space to feel her feelings.

No she didn't, she had privacy and space and she could have gone to the brothers house herself if she really needed time to herself.. what she said she needed was "her partners full attention" and she felt she couldn't get that with his mum there.

I think the bigger picture here is that OP felt she was competing with his mum, and this attempt to get him to 'send her away' was a loyalty test for him. She could have been more honest with her MIL herself and she may have even volunteered to leave early (which was exactly what she later did after the birth of their baby, so we know OP can communicate her needs, and we know that the MIL is a perfectly reasonable MIL/parent who will listen).

No one should make you choose between them and your family.

I agree. This information has changed the whole situation.

As the relationship appears to have a poor outlook, OP needs to protect her position for the sake of herself and her child.

Unfortunately, it seems likely that OP has no legal rights to her home in the event of relationship breakdown and the situation might be even more serious if MIL's contribution to its purchase (it doesn't matter how long ago) gives her a share of the value and the legal right to stay there with her son's permission. However, he does have to support his child, whatever happens.

OP if you can't get past what happened at Christmas and/or your partner doesn't care enough to work on your relationship, you need to act quickly.

Have you still got the proceeds of the sale of your home? If so, that is all yours, just as your current home is his/jointly owned by him and his mother.

See a solicitor as soon as you can to get the best deal you can for you and your child.

I can't believe how so many are jumping down your throat! You were pregnant and grieving at Christmas time.

If I had plans to go to someone else's house (with another perfectly good option nearby) and there had been a close family bereavement, I'd change my plans! I'd not impose no matter how close a relation. I might pop over and visit, to help in practical ways but I think it's tone deaf of MIL to stay under those circumstances.

I also think what your partner said was horrifically cruel and it would make me question whether I want to marry a man who would never put my needs first (and would publicly admit to that!)

I'm so sorry OP, I can understand why you're still thinking on it because it was a horrible and insensitive thing to happen.

And before anyone starts, nobody said anything about MIL spending Christmas alone. However, I think there's a big difference between staying nearby and popping over in the daytime and staying 24/7 in someone's space at a difficult time.

The comment you made to a poster saying you hoped they stayed single or were single was pretty cross and defensive. A few others as well. It's understandable to feel hurt when you don't get the comments you were hoping for but you did ask.

Sorry yes, the first couple weeks were great and I did feel supported, it has since then drifted off and I've had to ask for help a little more than I want too.. there was on occasion when I was sick (stomach bug or food poisoning, wasn't sure) but he put baby in bed with me when he was upset etc when I thought he may of helped more.

Overall I probably don't feel supported on a larger scale I guess.

I think the comments i replied to in that tone were already setting an angry tone towards me and the thread.

I would not be happy that at such an awful time in your life that your husband said he would always choose his mum over you and your unborn child. You are his family now and he has been clear that he does not have your back. There could have been a compromise made with her staying but it’s his words I would not forget. How is he now? You ought to have a talk about how he sees his mums long term future as likely at some point she will be needing help and need to live back to the Uk. If he wants her to live with you in the future. And you don’t he has already said he will pick her over your family unit.

I can understand how emotional you would have been but to send someone’s mum to an empty house isn’t on either, imagine if your child did that to you one day or someone had done it to one of your family. If you wanted space and were in the bedroom I can’t see what difference it would have made.

Thank you.

Another one to mention is that she also stayed with us over Mothers Day, this isn't something that had happened in many years so I guess my partner was happy but equally it was my first Mothers Day since my Mum passed and first as a new Mum, so quite a conflicting one. I was shocked to chose that one to be the Mothers Day she decided to stay on but I didn't say anything on that occasion given how Christmas/Dec 28th was handled and it is her Mothers Day also, his Brother was home 7 minutes away but she chose to stay with us.

Thanks.

I doubt I would mind if I had just spent 5 days with them and it was to help my DIL, but everyones opinion differs. Thanks.