AIBU to ask my partners mum to stay elsewhere after Christmas? More context inside..

[Marygirlllll90]

Hi everyone,

Would love some thoughts or opinions on a situation I faced and I still really feel uneasy about, but am I being unreasonable?

I'll start here, on Oct 17th last year I lost my mum (65) to cancer, I was 34 at the time and also 6 months pregnant with my first baby.

When Christmas came around I really struggled, I found it harder than anticipated and fell into a pit of grief, it was really difficult to navigate whilst pregnant.

I live with my partner and his Mum lives in Spain, she was coming to spend Christmas with us and arrived on December 23rd, as I said I started to go into a really uneasy place over Christmas and found each day really difficult, it was really overwhelmed having other people in the house etc and found myself upstairs alone a lot to try get some space or process my grief, by December 28th I'd hit a really low point and suggested could my partners Mum go to his Brothers so that I could have space etc but my partner refused. (his brothers house was vacant as they were up north visiting other family), my partner just said he would never ask his mum to go to a house and be alone over Christmas, so I was kind of just left alone upstairs.

We did have a bit of an argument about this and he said he would never choose me over his family and also that me being miserable was ruining time he was spending with his Mum. He did backtrack on those comments in the end but when we have discussed it he still stands by that he would never ask his Mum to leave, even in that situation.

So ultimately, was I being unreasonable for suggesting his Mum go to his Brothers? It was December 28th so in my opinion it wasn't actually Christmas and it was a unique situation where I needed my partner and needed space. I would love some opinions as I am really conflicted and still really hurt and I think I see my partner different over it now.

I read your post.
My question is - when the situation already happened, you are 5 days in.
Would you prefer for them to tell you (so you could leave) or not tell you (so you would be a burden but wouldn't know about it)?

And, why would you feel less confident that they want you there the next time? Shouldn't it be the other way round, knowing they would tell you if it turns too much?

Agree. I particularly like the part about ‘this is the grief talking’. So much misogyny and infantilising of OP on here. She’s a grown woman, she needed space to grieve. DH and his MiL should have recognised this on their own - I don’t see how MiL could fail to have seen that OP was struggling, so if she couldn’t help, she should have cut the visit short herself.

Good points actually. I'm probably projecting my own insecurities. I'd hate to be an inconvenience to either of my DDs and feel I'd outstayed my welcome. I'd probably drive them mad asking if I'd stayed too long.

Her husband is English. As is his mum. She relocated to Spain of her own volition. England is not a foreign country to her.

This was 6 months ago. What led you to ask this question on mumsnet today @Marygirlllll90 ?

To be honest I’d like to think that in the same situation I’d have had the people skills to recognise that OP was struggling and if I couldn’t be of any help, I’d have cut the visit short myself.

I guess just still not feeling fully supported by him and letting this situation still play on my mind as I don't think I ever got closure on it or to have a proper conversation on it.

Well, you obviously don't think you were unreasonable, so why bother asking? Sorry, that's a recurring MN pet peeve of mine.

In any case, here are my thoughts. I have a great deal of sympathy for you about the loss of your mother. There can never be a good time to lose a loved one, but when you are pregnant with your first child it must be especially difficult to cope with your mother's death. However, I think it would have been wrong to ask your MIL to leave your house in these circumstances (over Christmas, to spend time alone in someone else's house). You've said it would have been for only two days. But equally, that would have been just two more days for you to deal with her presence. It doesn't seem like a huge amount of time.

Your Mum should always be interested in picking you up, and should never be expected to be put first.

I completely disagree with that. Mums shouldn't be martyrs with the expectation that their needs are not considered to be as valid as anyone else's. Sometimes they absolutely should be put first.

Having said that, I do think your partner was insensitive and unkind. He should have supported you emotionally (though again, I don't think that should have included sending his mum away).

In what way not fully supported OP? Can you give any examples if it’s not too outing ?

3 months after this… the two of you became parents for the first time. An epic life event. Has he been a supportive loving partner and an risen to the challenge of being a parent?

Ok i think we are getting somewhere

so you generally don’t feel supported? You have a 3 month old. Has he been crap?

He refused to cancel a visit from his mum two weeks after OP gave birth. What do you think ?

So start a thread about how he’s been an unsupportive partner generally and a shit parent to their child surely rather than one event 6 months ago not involving their child

Wallowing ? A few weeks after the loss of her mum to cancer ? Bit harsh.

I don’t know really. Clearly this has been playing on OP’s mind and there has to be something ongoing for her to still be mulling it over six months later. Possibly a drip feed to follow but understandable under the circumstances. It will be interesting to see what detail OP provides if any, because I think there’s a lot more going on than him being unsupportive. Anyone who can say the things he said to OP at such a traumatic time - even with an apology afterwards - needs to be treated with caution. For a moment there, he showed her who he really was as well as reinforcing exactly how OP comes behind his mum in the order of priority. Not sure I could get past that.

I would have expected my husband to have my back before arrangements were made. I know my Dh would have asked me several times coming up to Christmas if I was still okay with his mum staying. If I initially thought it would be fine then found myself unexpectedly struggling, I would have asked him to take her out places so I could sit in my pj's on the couch, crying and watching tv. The fact that I had allowed the stay to happen in the first place, would lead me to try and work around the arrangement as it's not easy to ask someone to leave.
Also, if she did leave, your husband would have had to go and spend time with her anyway, no?

You said you think she helped him financially in the past. Was this house his from before you met and she helped with the deposit? If so, the two of them might still be feeling it is theirs rather than yours and his. Or did you buy it together?

I'm sorry for your loss, wish you congratulations on the new baby, but have voted YABU.

Okay. They had her to stay for far too long.
They are a couple. They had her to stay.

Navigating special dates during bereavement is very difficult, add being pregnant into the mix will have made last Christmas a very traumatic time for you OP. Personally, I’m surprised that MIL didn’t show any acknowledgment for the situation, she must be a very hard hearted person indeed.
I don’t consider that you were unreasonable to want some space to grieve and let your emotions out with the support of your DH. Actually, in your position I would have cancelled Christmas altogether.
There will always be special times when coping with losing your Mum will be more difficult OP, I lost my Mum over ten years ago and sometimes the loss overwhelms me, like this week would have been her birthday.
Take comfort in your memories OP and I hope your DH is more supportive in putting you first in the future.
Sending hugs 💐

Honestly do some of these men never stop to thank their lucky stars they get to have biological children without ever having to be pregnant? Never mind childbirth or going through the third trimester?

Do they never stop and think how grateful they should be to the person making that possible for them, at great personal cost?

Well if MiL has contributed to the house purchase then it’s not much of a gift if she thinks it entitles her to use it as her own. Doesn’t matter who owns what if it’s their marital home.

OP isn't married, so it's not a marital home and possibly isn't her house at all. It might be her partner's house, even the initial post says that she lives with him, which could easily indicate that.

Yes, of course it is OP's home, but if it's her partner's house, and he told her that his mum comes first, that puts a different slant on why his mum is invited and is welcome to stay as often as she does.

Not unreasonable at all, she was due to go there a couple of nights later. After five days in someone else’s house and about to go to a second relative I would have welcomed the peace. But then I wouldn’t expect to stay with family several times a year. Utterly crass of her not to take your grief into account and take herself off.
Maybe ask DH if the family you now are will come as much second to his birth family as just you?

I disagree strongly with the idea of putting the people you love in some sort of pecking order. No-one comes out of those conversations well, especially those doing the asking whether they come first, and life doesn't work like that.

Refusing to send his mum to an empty house at Christmas I don't think is unreasonable at all, I would also refuse to send my mum away. I lost my dad young and I was very close to him, I know where you are coming from OP, as you are dwelling on this I wonder if you could get some bereavement support from somewhere? Its perfectly normal to need a little bit of help and not something to be worried about or ashamed of at all.

Not wanting the mother in law staying for 3 or 4 weeks at a time is perfectly reasonable and should also be discussed!

Yes, I think this is the issue faced, I don't own the home. When we met I owned my home and he owned his, his was larger than mine so when deciding to start a family it made sense for me to sell mine and move into this, so I did. But yes, I guess technically I do live in his house but I sold my home to make his a family home.

We aren't married but are engaged to be married.

I do believe his Mum gave him some help financially towards his house a lot of years before we met, as she did with his Brothers too so i'm not sure if that's where it comes from that she uses them all as UK bases.