To not want to invite my sister to my wedding?

[keepdrivingg]

Fully aware that this is a delicate topic on Mumsnet so I know I might be flamed here.

My fiancé and I are currently planning a child free wedding.

For context, we are both on our 20s with no kids of our own. None of our friends have children yet either.

As such we’d like our reception to be child free in order to have a big bash where we can all freely drink etc without having to worry about any kids running around or knocking things over etc! I am also not generally a massive kid person (neither is partner!).

Anyway, as I said most people we know don’t have kids yet. The only real caveat to that is my dad has a much younger child. I have two brothers who are also in their 20s, dad got remarried a couple of years ago and as such now has a 2 year old.

Some additional info here is that I’m not massively close to dad and his idea of me spending quality time with sister is to babysit for free effectively. I question his and his wife’s parenting which involves essentially letting sister do what she wants so she doesn’t kick off. if we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day

Further context here is that when deciding about our wedding we agreed that it we wouldn’t mind family children attending the church ceremony. The reasoning being that they can then be in family pictures and be a part of the day. Then when we move to the reception this part will be adults only and kids will not follow along here. To add, dad’s wife’s parents have sister regularly and are happy babysitters, so not really an issue on the childcare side.

Anyway, dad has majorly kicked off. He said it’s completely unreasonable to not invite sister all day, she’ll be left out and upset and I’m being a horrible sister as it’s not fair to exclude her. We sort of went back and forth on this and he’s eventually said if she can’t come to the reception then they’ll all leave after the ceremony.

im hurt that he’s effectively chosen his younger daughter over me. I’d understand if she was say, 10, and would genuinely understand what’s going on and remember going home early, as well as knowing when to sit quiet etc. but at 2 all she’ll want to do is run riot and they will allow her to do so!

My fiancé has basically said stick to our guns and if my dad shows his true colours by leaving then we know where he stands in terms of valuing me and my wishes.

id like to know Aibu to follow through on this? Or should I give in?

This is a 2 year old that will not be the impact.

They sound like shit parents. You did the right thing inviting them to the ceremony, but I would have someone guarding the aisle to make sure Dsis isn’t allowed to join in the ceremony as I suspect she will be encouraged to do so.

What an absolute load of crap.
Where are these ' strong jealous vibes ' ?
Obviously you haven't read and understand the op's first post of how the kid is a nightmare and has history of being allowed to run riot.

I found that absolutely insulting that the bride was told she should need need counselling or therapy because she doesn't want her wedding ruined by a badly parented kid.
She's seen the way the cookie crumbles with the way previous occasions have been ruined and doesn't want her lovely special day turned to tears.

Can I just pop back on to say thank you to everyone who has validated that I’m not going crazy in thinking that halloumi’s comments were all batshit 🤣

Indeed it is your opinion and different to mine. No problem with that, the point of this forum is to invite opinions.
Hope OP enjoys her wedding day.

Does nobody else feel sorry for the child stuck in the middle of this debacle. I agree the OP is entitled to have a child free wedding but asking if I agree with fighting over it my answer is no. My approach would be to try my best in a sympathetic way to make my father understand my reasons ie a genuine fear of disruption due to past experiences of an obvious lack of control of the child . If he still insisted on causing trouble I would be upset but at least I would know I didn't add fuel to the fire. Family emotions tend to be escalated before weddings & this is when we need to communicate even more until the issue is resolved. I would hate to think there was a fight going on before my wedding & would do everything in my power to settle the horses. If it carried on regardless of my efforts I would accept it then move on & enjoy my day.

But OP won’t be able to ‘just enjoy her day’ - past experience of her DF and DSM parenting show her that her half-sister is extremely unlikely to behave.

I feel sorry for the child, but not because she is "stuck in the middle" of something about which she will know precisely nothing unless it's rubbed into her for the rest of her life by her parents. I said this upthread.

I feel sorry for her because she clearly has a waste-of-space father and a mother who isn't bothering to try to smooth over difficulties between the man she has married and his adult children and the child's great-grandmother, who don't want their day spoiled by his (and her, for she is at least as responsible as he is for her child being unwelcome) uncontrolled nuisance toddler.

OP has done everything, within reason, that she can in the way of compromise, and if her father insists on having a fight all by himself that is his problem, not hers. Her wedding will probably go better for his absence.

And I hope she has a wonderful day!

The child is 2. She doesn’t know what is going on and I doubt she even understands the concept that the OP is her half sister.

She is not adding fuel to the fire and it absolutely is something worth standing her ground over. If I were her, I would be tempted to uninvite the child from the wedding itself as she is just going to be a pain in the ass

Yes whilst I sympathise with the ops dilemma I dont see why there's a need to target the poor kid- to validate feelings that a child who has no idea of any of this is a pain in the ass, uncontrollable or badly behaved. There are no badly behaved 2 year olds. Just parenting choices. I remember weddings as a child the chance to run in a big space- being one of the attractions -not at 2 maybe but the experience being the same- can't understand what ' poorly behaved' at 2 even means. They want to explore, and also get tired and cranky. That's an adult responsibility. Seems a frank discussion with parents about that might be the way forward. It's part and parcel of having a toddler.

No baby or toddler or for that matter young child should ever be described as a pain in the ass.

Adults perhaps so, children never. Children need nurturing with proper attention, love & care. If OPs sister is not having her basic needs met & she is left to her own devices with no proper upbringing, then it's a matter for social services, not an argument as to whether she should attend a wedding.

Are we sure that halloumi isn’t your dad’s wife?! 🤣

Biology and legal family relationships are facts, not opinions.

I think some posters are not taking into account the grandmother whom OP is very close to and who was more of a mother to her. She has to balance the best interests of her father and her grandmother. Not having the two-year-old attend allows her grandmother to enjoy and participate in her granddaughter's wedding. The two-year-old doesn't care whether she attends; she is too young to remember any of it.
"If we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day".

Hahaha what absolute rubbish.

op in your chat to your dad calmly remind him you plan to only have one wedding, and if he chooses to not be there then he never gets to redo that choice, and next time he’s at the pub with friends and not his daughter, or out to dinner without his daughter, or at a footy match without his daughter you hope he remembers that he missed his older daughters wedding because he couldn’t possibly go without his younger daughter, and it’s clear to you that your dad rates the pub and dinners out and footy matches and many things as far more important than his older daughter, and if that’s the case perhaps he had better not come at all, that’s not the kind of dad women want walking them down the aisle.

if you were going to have him walk you down the aisle make back up plans.

How is the kid being ‘targeted’? Don’t be so dramatic. She is 2. She doesn’t understand what a wedding is

If you want to be pedantic, children’s BEHAVIOUR can be a pain in the arse. Of course she’s too young to understand what’s acceptable so even more reason to exclude her.

You’re not wrong Op, so stick to your guns (& I’d stop babysitting after this too if your dad doesnt attend the reception)

OP, fathers like yours are selfish wasters and low contact is often best.

Knock babysitting on the head, he's a user loser.

Your Dad sounds like a selfish dick.
How many children does he have?
prioritise your lovely grandmother.

With the exception of neuro diversity behavioural issues, unruly children tend to be victims of inadequate parenting. Your disdain for children is sadly palpable.

If anyone has failed to read threads about the difficulty there can be dealing with bog-standard not even slightly neuro divergent two-year olds, they seem to be showing up on this thread. (Cutted up pears, anyone? It can continue until people are three as well.)

Even the nicest two year olds, ones who grow up to become charming people of six, are often absolutely hellish and yes, a pain in the arse. They grow out of it, with luck and a following wind, but if they are never given any boundaries by their parents it will take a lot longer, and be horrible for anyone who for whatever reason has to have to do with them. (In extreme cases it is a life-long condition, unfortunately.) Two of mine were mercifully quick in their progress; the third was a nightmare and a pita and altogether enough to drive a perfectly reasonable parent, let alone an adult who hardly knew the brat, to despair. (The reasonable adult was my DH when he got home from work. I had been driven beyond reason by the end of every day.)

I do not blame anyone for not wanting such a child at her wedding. Or his wedding. Or his sister's wedding. Or her grand-daughter's wedding. Or the wedding of a friend. Or any wedding at all. And since the child will know nothing about it unless her parents are monumentally stupid and spend time over the next several years telling her how badly she has been treated, I can see no reason she should feel ill-done-by when she does not actually remember that she was not allowed to stay at a party for adults to which she had been not-invited.

Neither neurodiversity behavioural issues nor inadequate parenting entitle any child to ruin attend someone else's wedding.

What skin is anyone's disdain for children off your nose in any case?

Why are you choosing to ignore the fact that the one person on this thread who knows the child thinks that she is a pain in the ass. Why would you feel you knew better?

There is no reason for the child to be there. At two, there’s no sisterly relationship (nor is there ever likely to be), she just happens to have the same father as the OP. And she’s disruptive. And she wouldn’t know what a wedding is anyway.

Are you suggesting that the OP should have her there anyway, and to hell with the disruption
just because the parents are idiots?