To not want to invite my sister to my wedding?

[keepdrivingg]

Fully aware that this is a delicate topic on Mumsnet so I know I might be flamed here.

My fiancé and I are currently planning a child free wedding.

For context, we are both on our 20s with no kids of our own. None of our friends have children yet either.

As such we’d like our reception to be child free in order to have a big bash where we can all freely drink etc without having to worry about any kids running around or knocking things over etc! I am also not generally a massive kid person (neither is partner!).

Anyway, as I said most people we know don’t have kids yet. The only real caveat to that is my dad has a much younger child. I have two brothers who are also in their 20s, dad got remarried a couple of years ago and as such now has a 2 year old.

Some additional info here is that I’m not massively close to dad and his idea of me spending quality time with sister is to babysit for free effectively. I question his and his wife’s parenting which involves essentially letting sister do what she wants so she doesn’t kick off. if we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day

Further context here is that when deciding about our wedding we agreed that it we wouldn’t mind family children attending the church ceremony. The reasoning being that they can then be in family pictures and be a part of the day. Then when we move to the reception this part will be adults only and kids will not follow along here. To add, dad’s wife’s parents have sister regularly and are happy babysitters, so not really an issue on the childcare side.

Anyway, dad has majorly kicked off. He said it’s completely unreasonable to not invite sister all day, she’ll be left out and upset and I’m being a horrible sister as it’s not fair to exclude her. We sort of went back and forth on this and he’s eventually said if she can’t come to the reception then they’ll all leave after the ceremony.

im hurt that he’s effectively chosen his younger daughter over me. I’d understand if she was say, 10, and would genuinely understand what’s going on and remember going home early, as well as knowing when to sit quiet etc. but at 2 all she’ll want to do is run riot and they will allow her to do so!

My fiancé has basically said stick to our guns and if my dad shows his true colours by leaving then we know where he stands in terms of valuing me and my wishes.

id like to know Aibu to follow through on this? Or should I give in?

Hope you have a brilliant day!

Stick to your guns. Similar in my family and toddler (much much younger half sibling) ruined the speeches with their tantrums.

I find your attitude completely bizarre.

"No such thing as 'halfs' when it comes to family imo".
That's just ridiculous.

These two are NOT sisters.
They have different mothers.
There's a 25 year age difference.

These things are not "irrelevant".

Referring to the 2 year old as a half-sister is not an attempt to "dilute her place in the family".
It is not demeaning.
It is factual.

And it is not a matter of opinion.

What a ridiculous statement. Of course they are sisters from the same father. My school friends step sister was the absolute double of her. They went to the same school. & people thought they were twins. They have the same father to different mothers. Admittedly they are around the same age but what difference does that make.

Hi @keepdrivingg

Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding 🥳

You have had a selection of bonkers and downright bizarre posts on this thread, that's for sure.

I would be very tempted at this point to tell your DF 'ok, it's obviously upsetting you and your DW that DH-S isn't invited to the reception, so fiance and I have decided that it's best all round if you all just don't come to any of it'.
Then you are removing the choice for your DF, and giving yourself the stress-free wedding day you want and deserve.

No stress about wannabe flower girl or disruption during the service.
Lovely DGM can walk you down the aisle, and she's already giving a speech.
Lovely party with all your friends.

Honestly, your DH-S is 2! She's so not going to be upset about any of this!
Just because your dad chose to get married again and have another child doesn't mean that you HAVE to have any special feelings for that child.
You're related by biology, but you will never live with her, or even spend much time with her.
And that's fine.

I hope you and your fiance have a wonderful wedding day. 💐

They are NOT sisters.

They are HALF-sisters.

SAME father.
DIFFERENT mother.

Biologically and legally they are HALF-sisters.

Just like your example of your school friend and her half-sister - "same father and different mothers"

Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp?

I wouldn’t want an unruly poorly behaved toddler at the ceremony, rather have them at the reception where they can have a run around/dance let off steam.

it reads like you want her there for a cute photo or two then ship her off.

you made your dad choose between you, she is two, you are an adult. Guess you have to live with your choices.

What does that have to do with anything? The OP isn’t likely to every have a sibling relationship with her because if the age gap.

I have a half brother I have never met but if anyone asks me if I have siblings I say I’m an only child.

Stand firm. It’s his decision to go home after the ceremony.

I've had a late night working on a business matter and checked in before bed zzzzzz

In a family where parents already have two daughters & they go on to adopt a daughter, in your eyes the three girls should not be described as sisters. I doubt their parents would agree with you. A step sister is genetically a half sister. The fact is like the status of the adopted child in a family of girls they are simply sisters. The OP is correct in describing her father's younger daughter as her sister because that is what she is.

A stepsister is not genetically a half sister.
A step sister is the dd of one's parents married partner but not biologically related to your own mother or father.

A half sibling is biologically related via your mother or father.

YANBU

hope you have the most fabulous wedding! 🥳 🥂

I think you’re confused. Stepsisters and half sisters and sisters are all different things. Adoption is something else entirely. No one is adopted in this story.

Agreed!! ⬆️ Your dad is being a selfish dick. Your fiance has your back. Stick to your guns - you deserve to have the day you want. You’ve offered a reasonable compromise- she can attend the service, be in photos & then go have a lovely evening with her grandparents nearby.

My mistake. I was exhausted after a long day & did indeed become confused about the meaning of step sister after reading a PPs contribution using this phrase. The rest of my post still stands. The OP started a thread about her sister because despite being a half sister that's what she is. You read so many petty & avoidable reasons for families falling out before weddings, especially where children are concerned & I tend to become overly invested for this reason. That's enough from me though & I wish the OP every happiness in the future. I love a church wedding. 😊

I’d be telling them straight - “you know how this would end up, Granny would have her enjoyment spoiled by having to look after your child, as always happens at family events, and that’s not on. It’s one of the reasons the whole event is child free”

That's a half sister, not a step sister...

No there’s a difference between a biological connection and a sibling relationship. Biology alone means bugger all.

Two girls being brought up together and in the same generation (including if one is adopted) are more likely to have a sibling relationship than the OP and her half sister.

It’s not like they can be friends! Plus if the OP isn’t that into children so I’m not sure what people expect?

Plus the child is feral due to shit parents, and the only interest in the sibling relationship is because the shit parents need a babysitter.

It is avoidable if the father stops being petty. Just because he chose to have a baby when his children were adults, that’s for him to deal with.

Nobody is going to enjoy themselves around some marauding 2 year old kicking off all day.

It’s clear the OP doesn’t view this child as her sister, and that’s understandable as they can’t have a sibling relationship - by the time the child is old enough to have a relationship with, the OP’s life will have moved on.

Try not to take it personally by framing this as him choosing your 2yo sister over you. That's not helping you.

You've made your choice to priorities your Grandma and her day. He's made his choice to leave after the ceremony. Try to remember that there is a second wife behind him, with her own set of insecurities about the day, how she fits in, and what part her daughter plays.

None of that is your business, let them get on with it. They're adults, they can make choices, all you need to do is accept them.

You are so arrogant and self-righteous that you actually think that you know better than OP how OP's half-sister will behave at her wedding reception. An over-tired toddler with no boundaries and no bedtimes with two parents that don't supervise her is a recipe for disaster.

It's OP's wedding, she isn't close to her dad or her half-sister, she's invited her sister to the wedding itself and has said that she can wear a flower-girl outfit but she can't come to the reception as it is adults only.

The OP describes the 2 year old in one post as her half-sister but she looks on her more as a kind of distant cousin because she does not and will not have a close sibling relationship with her, unlike her close relationship with her full siblings that she lived and grew up with.

Her words, not mine.

I'm not talking about a family that adopts and brings up children together, that's completely different and it's up to them what they want to refer to themselves as.

Spoken as someone who clearly does not understand what it is like to have a bad father.

You are wilfully ignoring the many posts that OP has made, explaining that the DPs of the half-sister have no intention of parenting their child and will leave the GP to do the childcare for them. Even then there is a high probability of disruptive behaviour. It's not a situation I'd put my much-loved GP in and it's not the kind of stress that I'd want at my wedding.
It would be a different matter entirely if the DPs would actually parent their own child - ans if they'd done this consistently since she was born, she quite likely wouldn't be so disruptive anyway.