To not want to invite my sister to my wedding?

[keepdrivingg]

Fully aware that this is a delicate topic on Mumsnet so I know I might be flamed here.

My fiancé and I are currently planning a child free wedding.

For context, we are both on our 20s with no kids of our own. None of our friends have children yet either.

As such we’d like our reception to be child free in order to have a big bash where we can all freely drink etc without having to worry about any kids running around or knocking things over etc! I am also not generally a massive kid person (neither is partner!).

Anyway, as I said most people we know don’t have kids yet. The only real caveat to that is my dad has a much younger child. I have two brothers who are also in their 20s, dad got remarried a couple of years ago and as such now has a 2 year old.

Some additional info here is that I’m not massively close to dad and his idea of me spending quality time with sister is to babysit for free effectively. I question his and his wife’s parenting which involves essentially letting sister do what she wants so she doesn’t kick off. if we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day

Further context here is that when deciding about our wedding we agreed that it we wouldn’t mind family children attending the church ceremony. The reasoning being that they can then be in family pictures and be a part of the day. Then when we move to the reception this part will be adults only and kids will not follow along here. To add, dad’s wife’s parents have sister regularly and are happy babysitters, so not really an issue on the childcare side.

Anyway, dad has majorly kicked off. He said it’s completely unreasonable to not invite sister all day, she’ll be left out and upset and I’m being a horrible sister as it’s not fair to exclude her. We sort of went back and forth on this and he’s eventually said if she can’t come to the reception then they’ll all leave after the ceremony.

im hurt that he’s effectively chosen his younger daughter over me. I’d understand if she was say, 10, and would genuinely understand what’s going on and remember going home early, as well as knowing when to sit quiet etc. but at 2 all she’ll want to do is run riot and they will allow her to do so!

My fiancé has basically said stick to our guns and if my dad shows his true colours by leaving then we know where he stands in terms of valuing me and my wishes.

id like to know Aibu to follow through on this? Or should I give in?

Given what you say about the child and her behaviour and the lack of parenting i certainly wouldn't want her at the ceremony or the reception.

Having a totally child free wedding seems reasonable to me, so long as you accept some guests won't attend if it is child free.

Your wedding, your choice.

I don't understand why more peoole don't just elope given all the family dramas that are caused by weddings.

I am generally against child free weddings, as it usually just means excluding mothers, but in this case it’s completely reasonable. If your dad leaves that’s on him missing his daughter’s wedding.

It’s so often the case with second families unfortunately - the original kids are replaced.

Thank you for the kind words. Yes my brothers are fully on my side and agree that she shouldn’t come. In fact one of them is keen for me to say she shouldn’t come to the ceremony too as he finds her so annoying 🤣

yes you’re on the money about sister, dad and wife would be determined for sister to be the centre of attention and have already mentioned for her to be flower girl etc

Clearly it would be different if they were actually good parents but they let their toddler run riot and someone else always ends up having to sort her out. Plus no bedtime so a let her drop where she drops attitude.

Nope wouldn’t want her there. You don’t have a sisterly relationship so no heart strings to be pulled at.

Your dad is picking a child and that hurts but often the way with men who go on to have second or third families suddenly their new children are their entire world.

Enjoy your children wedding.

I agree, it’s his wife driving this. Stick to your guns.

Yes she’s already going to be the only child there, other than a couple of 15/16 year olds who I wouldn’t say count as children these days (no other family children that young and no friends have kids either)

and yes it’s only me who is asked to look after her, always on a whim for various ‘emergencies’ that always seem to be more like poor planning

Yanbu to want a child free wedding. Your day your choice. I personally love seeing a few children at a wedding. I have great memories of family weddings. I wouldn’t want to exclude my Dsis at any age, they could hire a babysitter to watch the toddler as they’re incapable of doing so, not that it’s an option as she’s not invited.

It doesn’t ’exclude mothers’ unless they can’t or won’t leave their child with someone.

So it’s up to them whether they attend.

I really hate when parents try and force some kind of odd sibling relationship when they start new families. There is absolutely no way your sister will be like a sibling to either of you. You are a whole generation apart, not full siblings and not grown up together. He made that choice, so he has to just accept that you will not be embracing this as some kind of wonderful thing when it's simply just a bit odd.

Stick to your guns. I can't imagine there will come a day when you think back on your wedding day and wish that your 2 year old half sister was there.

Yanbu.

Your father will be no loss it sounds so don't wind yourself up.

Much better she isn't there and your grandmother has a lovely time.

Your father is one of life's loser fathers so really don't sweat it.

Enjoy your day with your siblings and grandmother.

The child is 2, it’s not like she and the OP have a sisterly relationship, esp given the age gap.

They are only half sisters anyway. Why would OP ‘invite’ a badly behaved toddler just becuse her father has a shiny new family?

Sometimes your family structure just isn’t compatible with a child free wedding.

That can be a sibling with a very young child they can’t leave with a sitter. In your case, it is an actual sibling being excluded from the festivities.

You can still proceed, but there are bigger consequences for your choice than for another couple. It’s not the same as for a couple that is telling their second cousin they can’t bring their children. Those are the people that can easily declare a child free wedding and say things like, it’s an invitation not a summons.

It’s fine not to have your 2 year old sibling at your wedding reception, I think it’s a good idea that your Father leaves after the ceremony if he feels like he should because of the lack of an invitation for his smallest child.
You’ve said it yourself you’re not close to your Dad, so it shouldn’t really make a massive difference if he’s there or not and he will choose a dependent child over a grown up one, especially if his new wife expects him to.
Don’t change your mind but equally don’t hold a grudge or get cross either… Just breezily say you understand why he won’t be coming to the reception, but that if he manages to sort out childcare enough to pop in for a few drinks he is more than welcome to.
I have very little tolerance for drama, you don’t want children at the reception, your Dad doesn’t want to go to your reception without his child. Nod, smile and enjoy your evening!

I think you are totally right to keep it adults only - she's a half sibling and won't know the difference anyway.

The best thing now is to just make your peace with your father's choice. Arguing about it won't make it a nicer situation. You have made a decision, he has made a decision, job done. Everyone can be together for the ceremony and then you can have a party. Your Grandmother deserves this too!

Your Dad sounds awful. Don't let him guilt-trip you. And it took me a while to realise that the sister you're talking about is 2 years old. It's your wedding, your day, and he needs to butt out. If he does value your sister more than you, I am sorry. All the more reason to drop him. Plenty of people have child-free weddings and, as you say, you're allowing children for the ceremony. I think you'll find that when you say 'NO' firmly and mean it, the narcissists out there melt away because they rely on their prey lacking confidence, feeling guilty and not challenging abuse to get what they want. Your wedding. Your rules.

I don't think you're in the wrong to say she's not invited, I think you're entitled to have a child free reception, and to be honest you're probably right that the ceremony and then back to grannys for a sleepover is probably an ideal day for her.

But to play devils advocate, I can also see why your Dad (and probably his wife are upset) He probably see's it as a fairly public rejection of his child, his wife and by extension, him.

Even with the age gap, if this was your full sister, she'd probably be invited to the whole thing. Your parents would still be together, you'd probably have a better relationship with your Dad as you saw your parents as a unit, and so you'd probably see your sister more often as well, and have more of a relationship with her.

For your Dad, you not wanting your sister at your wedding is signalling to all of your family that you don't have a close relationship with her, and that the reason you don't have a relationship with her is because your relationship with your Dad is a bit crap. Her absence is going to make him feel judged by everyone at the wedding, he's going to assume everyone is taking note of that.

I've got a fairly crap relationship with my Dad. I'll generally see him once every couple of weeks for a few pints, but we don't do much as a family. DD is not a fan of him either, and picked up way quicker that he has a habit of making people feel a bit crap, so closed herself off to him very quickly. At 18, she now has almost no relationship with him.

He's fine with mine and his relationship. He knows enough about me and see's enough of me that he can pretend to his friends that all is hunky dory. He hates his lack of relationship with DD though, because he doesn't know enough about her or her life to be able to play the part of doting grandparent when his friends ask about her. It makes him look bad, and he really can't abide that.

I don’t know if it makes any difference to your opinion but she would be the only child involved regardless of if it were child free or not (other than some older teens). So it’s not like she’d have any other kids to play with or anything

I’d accept your father’s decision with grace and not cause an issue over it. You are not unreasonable in these circumstances. Go ahead and have fun without him without giving him another thought. However I would remember and I would not be available for babysitting again until the child is old enough to have fun with and build a relationship with - (assuming it would be fun and she hasn’t been turns into a spoiled brat!

YANBU at all. I wouldn't have kids at the ceremony, either, but obviously it's entirely up to you. Stick to your guns. If your dad chooses to leave, that's up to him. I wouldn't be babysitting anymore either.

Just stick to your guns. I’m not a huge fan of childfree weddings myself. We don’t have any family help, so always just meant we couldn’t attend - and then people get a bit shitty about it. But our children are also well behaved and we always make an exit at a sensible age appropriate hour.

But I think this is different. You aren’t asking your random guests to leave their small children at home (they don’t have any). You’re asking your dad who has a role to play in the wedding and will only get to attend and enjoy your wedding day once (hopefully!). That is different. It’s a rare time when his attention should be focused on you and being your dad. His toddler can be with his wife’s family or with his wife. And that’s fine.

I’m saying this as someone who likes a child free wedding so I can let my hair down (even family members weddings where our toddler hasn't been invited):

You’re really not unreasonable to request a child free reception if that’s what you want. If you’re happy for your half sister to attend the ceremony but do not want her at the reception, fine. Your day - your rules.

But equally I think if you choose a wedding that involves one of these - abroad, remote location, weekday wedding, childfree wedding then you can’t kick up a fuss if people decide not to attend. That’s just my honest opinion.

For whatever reason your dad and his wife have decided they do not agree with attending reception without their toddler and have declined the reception, let them.

Your reasoning is sound. If Dad leaves after the ceremony so be it. I just hope he and/or his wife don't turn it into a drama on the day. I think you should work out a plan beforehand with other family members on how they could step in and deal with it. So you don't have to be involved and it won't spoil your day.

It sounds like the 2 year old will be running around and then dumped on her great grandmother- in those circumstances I’d say no. Stick to your guns.

It is pretty sad the way you're talking about her... You seem to be viewing her purely as an annoyance, a problem to deal with, rather than a cherished member of the family ... but regardless of how you feel about the situation and your dad's parenting, she is your sister, and you are excluding her from a major family event. Of course it's ultimately your choice, but you have to understand that you can't exclude your own sister from your wedding without causing hurt.

I also don't really understand why you think having her there will mean you can't have fun and party with your friends..? There were about 15 little kids at my wedding, and I drank loads, danced until midnight and had an absolute ball. The last wedding I was at, the bride's two toddler nieces were there, and (while it was exhausting for the parents), for the rest of us they just provided a bit of entertainment and looked cute while we danced and had fun. If you're not the person responsible for the 2 year old, I don't see how their presence affects you at all...

The way I see it, the pros and cons are: don't invite her and you'll cause a rift with your dad. Do invite her, and everyone's happy (including your sister feeling like she is part of the family as she grows up and looks at photos of the wedding), and you will still have a great time.