To not want to invite my sister to my wedding?

[keepdrivingg]

Fully aware that this is a delicate topic on Mumsnet so I know I might be flamed here.

My fiancé and I are currently planning a child free wedding.

For context, we are both on our 20s with no kids of our own. None of our friends have children yet either.

As such we’d like our reception to be child free in order to have a big bash where we can all freely drink etc without having to worry about any kids running around or knocking things over etc! I am also not generally a massive kid person (neither is partner!).

Anyway, as I said most people we know don’t have kids yet. The only real caveat to that is my dad has a much younger child. I have two brothers who are also in their 20s, dad got remarried a couple of years ago and as such now has a 2 year old.

Some additional info here is that I’m not massively close to dad and his idea of me spending quality time with sister is to babysit for free effectively. I question his and his wife’s parenting which involves essentially letting sister do what she wants so she doesn’t kick off. if we are ever all together at family events this usually involves my grandmother having an awful time trying to keep sister at bay whilst her parents do nothing. I love my grandmother dearly and therefore don’t want her attention taken up doing this on what she will view as my special day

Further context here is that when deciding about our wedding we agreed that it we wouldn’t mind family children attending the church ceremony. The reasoning being that they can then be in family pictures and be a part of the day. Then when we move to the reception this part will be adults only and kids will not follow along here. To add, dad’s wife’s parents have sister regularly and are happy babysitters, so not really an issue on the childcare side.

Anyway, dad has majorly kicked off. He said it’s completely unreasonable to not invite sister all day, she’ll be left out and upset and I’m being a horrible sister as it’s not fair to exclude her. We sort of went back and forth on this and he’s eventually said if she can’t come to the reception then they’ll all leave after the ceremony.

im hurt that he’s effectively chosen his younger daughter over me. I’d understand if she was say, 10, and would genuinely understand what’s going on and remember going home early, as well as knowing when to sit quiet etc. but at 2 all she’ll want to do is run riot and they will allow her to do so!

My fiancé has basically said stick to our guns and if my dad shows his true colours by leaving then we know where he stands in terms of valuing me and my wishes.

id like to know Aibu to follow through on this? Or should I give in?

Exactly. My biological father was an utter cunt (luckily he’s dead now) so just because someone is capable of having kids doesn’t make them a decent person

It annoys me when people say the ssd is being asked up choose between his dc - he isn't. This child has a mim
and a at of willing grandparents on mum's side who can take her home after the ceremony. It's not like dad is a single parent with absolutely no options! He's making this an issue, not the bride, who is allowed to have the wedding she and her fiance want.

Dad is an arse - he's already offloaded the raising of his first lot of kids to his mum and seems to want to get her and OP to mind this one too.

Id tell him you've thought about it and you are taking back your offer to allow him to bring her to the ceremony and if he chooses not to attend your wedding, so be it!

oviraptor21
It would be a different matter entirely if the DPs would actually parent their own child - ans if they'd done this consistently since she was born, she quite likely wouldn't be so disruptive anyway.

If they could be relied on to look after their own child on the day things would be a great deal different, to be sure; but on past form they can't.

I'm not sure they are entirely to blame for her being a pain to have around, though: there's a reason for the phrase "the terrible twos".

Someone else's toddler wanted to join your first dance? Omg, how annoying! I would get irritated re-watching the video, too! If he was mine, I'd have been very aware that it was probably being videoed and that it's a very special moment for the couple, and I'd have taken him away. Well, I probably wouldn't have let him run onto the dance floor in the first place. What on earth are some parents thinking!

I'd be more concerned about the sister spoiling the ceremony tbh. If they want to leave after the ceremony, let them. Enjoy your day

I thought the problem was she wanted her dad to also come to the reception, and he said he wouldn't unless the toddler was invited too?

Christ why on earth would anyone want their 2 year old at a wedding! I would quite happily not take them and have a great bloody day enjoying myself child free.
Stick to your guns, sounds like your dad’s wife is the one who is peeved and your dad doesn’t want to rock the boat particularly since he has a new young family. Also I think your grandmother deserves a nice day also.
Why not say to your dad, surely you and your wife would like a day/night off to enjoy yourselves child free? Say it’s your day, not your sisters, she will have her time, it doesn’t mean you don’t love her, you just want people to enjoy themselves without having to consider a toddler who won’t remember it anyway.
If not, then let them do what they choose and enjoy yourself with the people that choose you. All the best.

The problem as originally stated was that OP and her fiancé said they wanted a child-free wedding, and her father said "wah wah wah how can you be so unnatural as not to invite your sister well then I shan't come so there!" rather than making use of the baby sitters he had available to look after his child as they often do, so that he and his new wife could have a day out.

The OP offered a compromise and invited the child to the ceremony. And her father decided that since he couldn't move without his two-year-old (which I would bet he otherwise does all the bloody time: does the child go with him to the pub? work? steam rallies? whatever else he does with his time?) he wouldn't stay once the child had left.

She would have liked him to care enough about her to prioritise her on a single day, one which is one of the most important in her life, but he wasn't going to do that.

I feel desperately sorry for that poor two-year-old, actually; her father and mother seem to be doing her no favours at all.

Sorry answered by mistake

Gives me the chance to add (after "and her fiancé) "and her brothers and her grandmother". It does rather seem as if the only person (or possibly people, if the mother is also determined to shoehorn the unwelcome child in) determined that the child shall be there even though she is clearly unwanted is the one person (or two people) who tend(s) not to look after her.

And for "child-free" it does seem one might say they meant "that particular child free". One brother at least made that clear, and the grandmother was relieved the child wasn't going to be there.

Having her for the ceremony and pics is a good compromise and then off to a babysitter from 6/7 and you can enjoy the evening

why your dad doesn’t see and understand this is weird

she will be the only child and bored and tired and prob wingy

stick to your guns

tho saying all that. It’s a shame you don’t have a relationship with her

I’m in a similar situation tho im
the lady who married your dad and we have mini blondes now 9

she has 3 older siblings all in their 20’s when dd was born. She adores her big brothers and sisters and thankfully they do her

she has the odd sleepover with them and has done since she was one or so

and now they have kids and is aunty mini blondes and few years older then their kids and they all play so nicely together

maybe something to think about when you do have kids

I would have had no issue in getting a babysitter in your situation for her - tho actually her older brother got married at the weekend and he wanted her there and was a lovely day and evening tho as is sis she is 9

he had no kids under 5 there and only 5 in total which was sis and his kids /nephew

It's not making him choose, or a competition; it's one day.
OP's wedding.
What is wrong with leaving a young child at home? She's not being left in the car/pub/with strangers.......!

Oh I agree, he could easily leave her at home, but he won't for whatever reason. I was just saying it's better not to treat it as a choice between his two daughters.

I would bet that he frequently leaves his young child at home. Or, as we know, in the unwilling sole charge of OP, and I also bet she is not the only person who is used as a babysitter while the child's father bogs off and leaves them to it.

Exactly so.

@keepdrivingg let them leave. I had kids at the church, reception until after the meal. Then the kids went home. If you're dad chooses to leave, so be it. Your sister wont be upset because she won't understand.
Weddings or big gatherings are not the place for small children, they get over tired and no one cba with them. You're rules.

Your dad sounds a right arse. If your grandma is doing a speech, and you're very close to her, I'd even consider having her take in other traditional 'dad duties' like accompanying you down the aisle.

Mine too. Think he’s still alive but wouldn’t know as haven’t had contact with him in nearly 10 years. Zero regrets about him not being at my wedding.

This.

I have a very difficult 2 year old, the opportunity to go to a wedding reception child free with grandparents close by, happy to watch them would be the ideal. She won't remember being left out and will probably enjoy not being there. it sounds over stimulating and boring for a child that age. Hopefully they can come round.

It’s your wedding, please do what you want.
I had children at my wedding, this was before I had children of my own.
When I had children of my own and got an invite to a child free wedding I had rsvp’d yes before the invite had hit the mat

Also, how do they expect her to cope in the ceremony and with her pictures? I would be so on edge and probably end up taking them out if it were my child. We went to a wedding last year and they didn't manage the ceremony, ended up pushing my son around in his buggy and the speeches and meal were😱they did 4 speeches and the food was late... took my son out for the speeches as he started to scream and yes, it was very stressful. From what you say, your sister sounds the same kind of child...

Your wedding, your way and, in particular, a 2 yr old will have no concept of missing out. My parents asked both myself and my brother to arrange child care for our then 3 yr and 1 yr olds when they had a significant wedding anniversary party at the local golf club. Never occurred to me to question it and, as in your case, we had relatives (in laws who didn't know my parents) who were quite happy to take our DC.

I had close family kids.wouldn’t want it any other way but it is your wedding. I can see why he’s hurt but it’s your call

Deffo stick to your guns, I too remember as a child not being allowed to lots of things or being takend away part way through to a babysitter and I don't think it's scarred/affected me! Kids these days have to be taught that they're not always invited to everything!!