AIBU to say no to a sleepover at age nine?

[ToastofLandon]

My daughter was invited to a sleepover party, they’re 9. My kid is a v young 9 year old. I said no, I don’t know the parents v well, there’s an older brother. They’re nice enough but I just don’t feel happy about doing it yet.

They just seem so vulnerable still at 9 but dunno if I’m being unreasonable and if my fears are unfounded. Interested in what others think and what age you started.

that's not educating your children to be safe, that's being dangerously anxious and damaging their mental health.

Some posters are frightening on here.

I don't know how the stats on CSA will have changed by the time these kids hit adulthood but I do know that a lot of kids are going to be looking back at a grey, anxiety filled childhood as everything fun is stripped out. No wonder they want to waste their life away on social media, it's the only place their mothers aren't breathing down their necks.

Having a lock on your door is dangerously anxious? That's an interesting viewpoint. If I'd said, install cameras covering every inch of the house that I can access at any time and a tripwire with an alarm should someone enter the kids' bedroom, then yeah. Fair enough.

A small bolt at the bottom of the door - seems like probably the absolute bare minimum a parent should be doing to protect their child from being drugged and/or abused.

Unfortunately, some are still trying to live in a world where "it doesn't happen here" but it does happen here. It happens everywhere and it's usually someone you know. Please take minimum precautions to protect your children.

Jesus christ, only suggested a lock and apparently that's outrageous. This is why people say no to sleepovers. Fear of being gaslit by others when asking for basic security measures. We need to normalise this so paedophiles have less access. Being 'polite' and not wanting to cause a fuss is a huge part of how and why they get away with it. Ask for security! Normalise talking about it! Ignore the gaslighters!

Realistically though are you going to check the host kid’s bedroom for a bolt before you agree? And then assume that host kid will bolt it? And then hope there isn’t a fire? Because doors that are bolted on the inside are incredibly dangerous in a house fire.

Giving your kid strategies to remove themselves from situations and getting them to recognise those spidey senses seem far more sensible to me.

Having neurotic parents will cause children more harm then letting them learn by instinct and to trust their own judgement

How many more mental health issues do parents need to put on children before they realise what harm is being done

If you are genuine which I fear you might be, I sincerely hope you have no children.

Two daughters of a friend of mine were sexually abused when sleeping over at someone’s house, by the dad. It all came out about ten years later , when the older daughter, by then an older teen, told her parents. The man admitted it and he ended up in prison (he also abused them on other occasions).
It’s not worth the risk for a few hours of hoped-for fun and excitement

A family walking to school got hit by a speeding car, so I withdrew my child from school and now we never walk anywhere. The driver was injured too so we don't drive either.

That's how you sound.

That's awful, but blanket bans, rather than risk assessment won't keep your child safe.
I was sexually abused at school, told my parents, I moved to another school - a proportional response. They could have gone 'well you are never going to any school because something hapenned in that specific school', fortunately they didn't.

Sadly we can't protect our children from everything, as this would harm their mental health. What we can do is sensibly risk assess each situation. Would I let my daughter go on a sleepover to a family where I have never been in their home, or don't know the parents well? Of course not. Would I let her go on brownie camp with trusted dbs'd adults, and a sleepover at friends who we have known for 5+ years, and go round their house regularly, whilst giving her a brick phone to use if she needs to contact me - absolutely!

It would be a no from me. My DD is 8 and has slept at a friend's house but we know this family extremely well. However I have turned down an invite from her cousin, because even though they are family, I don't feel comfortable with it - partly because there is also my teenage nephew there and I was SA'd by my cousin as a child.

Mid teens was when I hated it the most. Really difficult to navigate not knowing the parents or who would be in the house. Worst of all if it might be mixed sex.

At primary age, I always made sure I'd met the whole family and as the school was small, they were almost always in walking distance of home.
We were lucky they had lovely friends.

I get that but I didn't know any of the families really as I worked full time, so I wasn't even keen on "playdates". My main concerns were not abuse, which is less likely, but big dogs and smoking in the house.

So sleepovers just wouldn't happen unless with family.

The irony!!

Overprotect them in the real world and underprotect them online. That’s the combination responsible for so much of the mental health and NEET issues we see now.

I would say 9 is fine, however my daughter has had the same friends since nursery so I've spent loads of time over the years with mam, dad and siblings of her friends. We've just had a sleepover birthday and I did think about sending my 14 yr son to sleep with grandparents in case anyone felt uncomfortable, but same story, he's been around these girls for years and everyone is comfortable with each other.

If it was a different friend or I wasn't comfortable I would say no, absolutely no hesitation. You have to do what you think is right for your family.

Love the idea of this for phones regardless of coming around to see one another or sleepover. Thankyoubfor sharing a great idea

Except of course if your child is friends with OP’s then she won’t be allowed unless she has 24/7 access to her phone…

9/10 seems to be more normal. If a child didn’t want to sleepover I wouldn’t take it personally and would always be happy to have them and then sort a pick up at 10pm for example. I think it can be an age where some kids do still struggle with it.

They can access them anytime they want, day or night. They just can't take them into lounge/bedroom. 9 times out of 10 they don't even touch them the whole time they are round

I understand you want to put your mind at ease, especially if you don’t know the family or the set up for the night (can you have a chat first and then make a decision - if you are still not comfortable would it be a possibility for them to spend the evening and eg be collected at 10:30pm?)

I wouldn’t be particularly concerned about year 5 DC and their year 7 sibling.

If you’re not particularly close/know the parents/siblings and have concerns over other visitors/brothers, trust your gut.
i don’t think it’s unreasonable to have reservations where there’s uncertainty.
for me I’m a party pooper, no sleepovers.
i have a 10 yr old boy and 4 yr old girl.
im a solo mum and no male visitors (i would disclose this if that ever changed and we were hosting) id be happy to host sleepovers for children of close friends that know me well and i know the kids well enough. But I wouldn’t let mine go to others especially if I wasn’t close them (mum/dad/brothers etc) and if other older kids or adults would be visiting. Yes that’s a double standard,

sadly I found that some long time friends (as in part of a larger friendship group of many years) and several colleagues who have shown zero signs, have been convicted of the most terrible things and all but one of them, you wouldn’t have had any idea they were so sick in the head and just what they’d done.

i just wouldn’t risk it 🙁

no no no!
my daughter has never had a sleepover where there’s a man I don’t know in the house.
Maybe I’d consider it if there was lots of girls and not just her sleeping over - but my view is if something awful happened you can never take that back.
i would however in your situ make an excuse and say she can stay till say 10pm and then you’ll collect as you need to be up and out the following day early!

What exactly are you suggesting when it comes to the bother??