AIBU to say no to a sleepover at age nine?

[ToastofLandon]

My daughter was invited to a sleepover party, they’re 9. My kid is a v young 9 year old. I said no, I don’t know the parents v well, there’s an older brother. They’re nice enough but I just don’t feel happy about doing it yet.

They just seem so vulnerable still at 9 but dunno if I’m being unreasonable and if my fears are unfounded. Interested in what others think and what age you started.

You are making ridiculous statements, people take you out on them.
It's not derailing the conversation to call you out.

No one’s derailing - you’re the one that said you’d be fine when she was 11 and her friends brother 13 because she’d be more assertive then.

If you genuinely believe that assertiveness protects girls from stupid / predatory boys, the teenage years are going to be horrendous for both of you.

Are you ok Op? You seem irrationally angry (or at the very least spectacularly rude!)

Oh how oblivious people are on this thread. Speak to someone who works with abused children (police, psychologist, doctor) and they will tell you what happens at sleepovers. It doesn’t have to be the dad, it can be an older brother or other family member. It’s more common than people think and only because you had happy sleepovers as a child it doesn’t mean everyone does.

It takes one incident of abuse to be scarred for life. I will not take this risk as a parent.

if you look at it that way, incidents are not a night-thing. Abusers are not vampire.

Everyone is asleep at night and it’s dark, it’s obvious why it happens at sleepovers. Children are easy targets because nobody is watching them. It’s not me coming up with theories, I’ve heard this over and over again from professionals. If you read this thread there are two comments from people who work(ed) in safeguarding and they’re saying the same thing. Don’t be ridiculous

It’s fine to say no. I did unless i knew the parents and there was a level of trust.

i think it's more ridiculous to pretend that a child is "safe" and nothing can happen because it's daylight, or that you can blindly let them on playdate because it's safe!

It's an insane attitude. And a bloody dangerous one.

Ask people who DO work in safeguarding in real life, not posters who claim they have a vague knowledge.

Or sadly enough famous cases which happened in daylight.

I remember letting my 6 year old daughter go to a play date after school at her friends house.

During this time the “nan” drove my daughter and daughters friend to the hospital as she has to drop her eldest son off to an appointment, something really odd anyway. During the car visit the eldest son who was in his 20s made a comment about my daughter being really annoying. She was 6 and probably excited to be in a car with her friend.

After she heard that was she was really quiet and on edge and didn’t want to return. And she didn’t, because why the fuck did they take her on that random car trip?

She still speaks about that now, nothing else happened it was just a weird car drive - but it was enough that she never forgot it. I also work In safeguarding too. It is honestly fine to say no.

I know I am in the minority but my kids never went to a sleepover. It may be because my DH is LE.

Mine can't have sleepovers due to medical reasons but it actually doesn't seem to be much of a thing in my area. Even if he could, it would only be with those I knew very well.

We are all different OP.

it would be a no for me. Based on what you have said. You don’t know the parents well. Being the main one.

as an aside, do you know how many are going?

either way, a few children at a good friends of parents house. Fair enough. Other than that. No for me.

two things stick in my mind.

I was a family, criminal child protection solicitor for many years. I remember travelling to the island for a case with a very well respected advocate. I had no children then. They were arguing with their young teen about just this, and it was a hard no. When I chatted after and asked why, she said look at the statistics.

number two. One of my closest friends, her husband, in court for indecent images. Absolutely nothing to do with her. She can hardly function. She has done everything correctly. But that would have been a trusted house for me, and still is with her alone for sure. But has knocked usmall sideways.

I ain’t no expert in this parenting stuff but follow your gut. The fact you have posted here tells me it’s a no. I wouldn’t set age limits. Just go with what you are happy with and with people you know.

@happygreenscissors Nobody said a child is safe in daylight! I would never leave my child alone with someone I don’t trust, there are only three family members who are allowed to babysit my son and nobody else. I read about a 7 year boy who was abused because his mum let their male neighbour babysit him, broad daylight, obviously it happens. Having said that, children are more vulnerable at sleepovers than regular playdates (statistics show this) so it’s a no from me. A child can cope if they don’t go to sleepovers, the world will not end. I’m not risking my child’s future mental health over a dumb sleepover

Firm no for me.
If your not comfortable with it then thats enough of a reason.

Other people's view does not matter. Yours does

Hell yes ! I loved mine having sleepovers .. 8th birthday we had 7 on air mattresses in her room.. they giggled all night except one whose parents (super anxious quite helicopter’ parents ) had to come and get her . Lovely mix of boys and girls .. one of my best memories of her childhood.. my only rule was phones downstairs on charge . (Only bricks then but they all still had them)

the children are most at risk of abuse with a family member and someone they know.

But it's also important not to raise them to become completely paranoid, and be prepared before they go on their first school residentials.

No one is saying that you should send your kids on a sleeopover, it's your choice as a parent. I am glad mine did and still do, they love them. And as I said, I love hosting them less but it's all good fun.

Nope. No sleepovers until mid teens or with family. No need for it.

Nope. No sleepovers until mid teens or with family. No need for it.

No. To either my sons or daughters. They can have sleepovers 16+. Their friends are welcome to stay here as I know I will keep them all safe. But I do not trust others. Having been abused myself and working in safeguarding myself. Not one reason for me to risk it.

I agree. DD1 is nearly 11, only 1 of her friends has a smartphone, couple others have a brick. Our rule is that from when they enter our home, their phones go on the hall table. At any point they can come into the hall to use their phone, but then it goes back on the table. Their parents know this is our rule before they come for a sleepover and no one has challenged it

We hosted sleepovers from 9 onwards, DD has also been to a couple.

I only host children where I know them and their parents well, there is a lot of trust involved. I did veto my daughter going to one where I didn't really know the parent, saying we were busy.

She'll have her first sleepover on her wedding night and not before 😂 😂 😂

I was SA throughout my childhood and early teens none of those happened at sleepovers they all occurred at home with men my parents trusted

I wouldn't allow it at any age unless there were a bolt / lock on the inside of the door only the kids could unlock and I'd be educating my kids on how to stay safe.

I'd say no mainly because I wouldn't want to reciprocate and host a group of year olds overnight at my house.