AIBU to say no to a sleepover at age nine?

[ToastofLandon]

My daughter was invited to a sleepover party, they’re 9. My kid is a v young 9 year old. I said no, I don’t know the parents v well, there’s an older brother. They’re nice enough but I just don’t feel happy about doing it yet.

They just seem so vulnerable still at 9 but dunno if I’m being unreasonable and if my fears are unfounded. Interested in what others think and what age you started.

My DD is 9 and other than family it’s a no from me; I don’t trust many men around my DC. I don’t know when I will feel it’s ok though and I know I’m over protective

I think the question is what are you going to do to get to know the family?

Otherwise you still won't know them when she's in year 6.

My 8 yr old has slept over at 2 friends houses so far. He's ND as are these 2 friends and we've known the families since nursery. I actually thought I wouldn't allow for longer but we know both parents and have socialized together as families etc. my youngest is almost 5 and her best friend is an only child whose mum has started talking about sleepovers but that feels further away. However she's a different kind of child, very independent, very vocal if she dislikes something, much more capable and likely neurotypical.

However sleeping over with a friend is different to a sleepover party which is think of more as a pre teen thong

I’d be the same. My daughter is almost 9 and having her first sleepover in a couple of weeks but it’s at my best friends house as her daughter is a similar age to mine. There is no way that I’d let my daughter stay at someone’s house who I’m not close to the family and who has an older son that I don’t know. It’s my job to protect my child and she would probably be disappointed to not go but her safety comes first. She will get over the disappointment but if something were to happen while there she wouldn’t get over the trauma that came with that.

It’d be a firm No from me.

I understand your urge to protect her but if you ban her from attending she won't feel that as love but as control and will push back against it. She will also feel angry that you can't give her an adequate explanation as to why (unless you're going to say, "I am worried that X's older brother will molest you," which I hope you aren't). 9 is a normal age for a sleepover and she will feel isolated from her peers if she's the only one not allowed to go.

In your shoes, I'd reinforce the pants rule and how to set boundaries, give her a phone and tell her to call you if she feels uncomfortable and let her go.

I don't think 9 is particularly young for a sleepover, I would have said that's squarely in the middle of the sleepover years.

It's a personal decision. I let my dc host and attend sleepovers, except in specific houses I had a concern about. I guess I wonder if there's a way to get to know the family better rather than your dc missing out on what's a pretty normal childhood experience?

I’m happy for DD11 and DD13 to go to sleepovers as long as I’ve met mum/both parents. Just a brief chit chat. If any family were giving out bad vibes, I’d find a reason to decline. I think 9 is an ok age for a sleepover.

I think 9 is fine. It’s peak sleepover age isn’t it? DD had a sleepover for her 9th birthday (nearly all the girls were summer born so also young 9s) and I don’t know what the risk could have been really as they moved around the house as one giant mass so none of them were ever alone. All the girls invited came, except 1 who was genuinely on holiday, and 2 of the parents I didn’t know that well tbh/girls have never been here for a playdate before so I think your worry about it is unusual. DD has also attended her fair share of sleepover parties, I think I’d only consider saying no if I had never met the parents or had specific concerns about that family.

For me it would depend on the child and the host family and host child. If I had a confident outgoing 9 yr old who would happily speak up if uncomfortable or feeling sick etc and could cope with a late night without turning into a disaster...and the host family were well known to me and kind and thoughtful people, and the host child was sensible and not likely to get over excited and suggest stupid things to do....then it's a lovely age to try it out and get the confidence that knowing you can do a sleepover gives a child. But you want to be sure the first one is going to be a success (as much as you can). So that it builds her up

I wouldn’t be very keen unless I had met the mum.

We don't do sleepovers with friends. It isnt necessary and with my first kid, a parent freaked me out with how badly she wanted my son to stay in her house all night.

We are a no sleepover family and my child doesn't ask as he knows the rules. Thankfully he is a boy so it's not a big deal. I worked in safeguarding for too long to even consider it. I will however, take him to disney which I was desperate for as a child , as compensation.

My daughter went to a 7th birthday sleepover party with 3 of her best friends. We know the family well and trusted it would be fine.
If you have doubts, don't do it.

No sleepovers whatsoever in our household!!

So you’re uncomfortable with an 11 year old boy being there. But will be comfortable in two years when he’s 13.

Mine went on sleepovers from about 7/8 but only with families we knew well. There were one or two friends where I had to say don't ask me if you can sleepover at their house because the answer will always be no!

Those saying they’ll only send their kid with a phone - really?! You’re happy sending your kid to stay overnight with a family that allows unrestricted internet access all night? I’d be far
happier knowing the parents removed phones at night.

Same. Mine both had regular sleepovers with school friends from when they were seven. They are now at University and still laugh about some of the stories from the sleepovers now. Great memories.

Nine is around the point they start going away on school overnight(s) trips. So I'd expect them to have gone to sleepovers as those are a less intense version and so will help prepare the child. There are relatively more adults to supervise, it's friends only, not a dormitory full of kids, it's just for one night, it's not very far from home.

There were no phones when my DDs had sleep overs. Shock horror one of them used to have sleepovers with her best friend a boy in primary school.

Mine kids haven't been asked. Their friends share bedrooms so it hasn't been an option

So easier for me to host

The parents should have contacted you beforehand to see if you were interested, now you look like the baddy.

But, no. A nine year old doesn't need a sleepover.

Yanbu

Same here. Just no.

You have zero control of who comes into contact with your child.

It’s actually not that uncommon - worked with children who had experienced abuse for some time and the friends older brother came up frequently enough that it would be a risk factor for me.

Personally I think sleepovers are a bad idea full stop but that’s just because a girl was really mean to me at a sleepover once and had everyone laughing at me and I was too embarrassed to ask to go home so had to endure a night of meanness. As an adult I also worry about dogs, dares and kids messing on the roof (sounds random, but our neighbours used to climb out onto their roof).

I sound like a nutcase I know but luckily the kids are fine with normal play dates!