AIBU to say no to a sleepover at age nine?

[ToastofLandon]

My daughter was invited to a sleepover party, they’re 9. My kid is a v young 9 year old. I said no, I don’t know the parents v well, there’s an older brother. They’re nice enough but I just don’t feel happy about doing it yet.

They just seem so vulnerable still at 9 but dunno if I’m being unreasonable and if my fears are unfounded. Interested in what others think and what age you started.

I would say 9 is ok for a sleepover but only you know what the family is like so if you have reservations then don't let her go.

I let mine at 9.

We also had grandparent sleepovers from about 3yo.

I'm generally guided by: would I allow a playdate there without my supervision? If its a yes, then i put my worry to one side.

But it is terrifying because we're all more aware sexual abuse as a risk than ever before, but we have to balance it with with trust and normal life.

Much younger. 5. I understand your concerns, but on the flip side, I would say sleepovers were the main highlight of both my children’s primary years. Forget safaris and Disney, it was sleepovers. As you are worried, I would make an effort to get to know some of the parents, so that she can go and enjoy them. Maybe it helped that I was at the school gates, and I made friends with everyone, so I guess I did know them all.

Are you thinking the older brother will somehow take advantage of the children? Anxiety on that level feels excessive to me.
Presumably the host parents will be there and supervising. You could go and talk to them if you need reassuring that they're responsible.
FWIW my DC went on sleepovers much younger. Ultimately though the decision has to rest with you.

I think 9 is fine for a sleepover unless you have particular grounds to worry.

I suspect most kids will have had a sleepover by age 9.

I’d let mine but I guess knowing the parents is key.

How long are you planning on waiting til?

My 7yo has had a couple (with same friend) but I’m good friends with parents. I think 9 is an okay age for one for sure. Just make sure your daughter knows about boundaries, which I’m sure she does at this age.

It’s one of those issues that divides people on here. For us so far we have only allowed sleepovers with one family that we know very well (we holiday with them, known them for 15 years and luckily our kids are friends). We decline any other invites without giving the real reason. I’m not planning to allow sleepovers until the kids are secondary school age minimum and then they would have their phones with them and clear instructions to call me if anything seemed off.

I noticed this too and wondered if there was a specific worry about the brother. How old is he.

I’m a hypocrite really because I wouldn’t let my 9 year-old DD sleep at anybody else’s house but I’ve had her friend sleep here.
My DD is also a young 9, her friend was on her mobile phone till 9pm FaceTiming friends which I did not know how to deal with so I joined her phone to our wifi and then turned the wifi off 😂 I let her Dad know that’s what I’d done though. My DD was so tired, I don’t know how she’d cope with sudden unsupervised internet access in somebody else’s home overnight.

YANBU my kids are now 27 and 23. Eldest had sleepovers. For me as parent absolute hell. They never slept and I had an overtired grumpy daughter to contend with next day. Also one friend had an older brother that showed inappropriate stuff to the girls.

younger DD never got to host a sleepover and only went to a couple when she was 15+

My youngest GC is 8, she's had sleep overs and has slept out. As said, it's totally a parents choice, you know her best. An older brother or new step father adds in worries. My GC's primary school allowed them to walk home from year 5. Those that live too far meet them close by. You'll find she'll grow up a lot in the next year. Waiting until year 6/high school is fine.

Year 6 I think fine as they’re gearing up for secondary school

I would not allow any sleepovers where there was a father or a boy about 9+ around until she’s a teen. If it was a single mum with just daughters or a small boy I’d feel differently.
Heard far too many abuse stories from sleepovers at their friends house…!

Nah it’s more that I don’t know him or any friends he may have that could be there. He’s a couple years older

At age 9, @ToastofLandon, and being honest, only if I knew all the family really, really well, it was close by, and my daughter had a way to contact me 24/7, and it was a ‘closed house’.

By ‘closed house’ I mean: will the son be allowed a friend round in the evening / at night? Are there other male relatives who might drop by? I think parents are right to ask these questions when it comes to our children’s safety. Take any children’s safeguarding course and you’ll know why.

And it’s really not an ‘anxiety’ issue to be aware of risk. A risk analysis in such circumstances is about much more than likelihood - it’s about the impact on a vulnerable child and the catastrophic consequences should that small risk prove to be realised.

I’m well versed on safeguarding. I think I know too much about the horror stories which is the reason it’s a strong no until she’s older.

Interesting to hear others opinions though

I would and have but I know the family very well. DS was 8 and he’s going to have a sleepover for his birthday this year (10). I wouldn’t if I didn’t know the family well.

Incidentally I only ever went out on sleepovers from 11 onward, so secondary school.

Mine have never had a sleepover.
But we have hosted
Single mum and no men in house.

So many posts on this topic so it really is an individual decision which is never easy

by age 9, it was absolutely fine for me, AS LONG AS I knew the parents. I would never let them go at any age to complete strangers.

When you say: a sleepover party, does it mean more than 1 guest?
If so, even better.

My kids love the sleepovers, I loved them more when someone else was hosting 😂, but pizza and icecream is easy enough to provide. I can't think of a good reason why I would have said no on principle.

If I didn't trust the house, I would have stopped the friendship anyway, and also banned playdates etc.. because it's not less of a risk because it's daytime.

Exactly this.

I would be uncomfortable if someone refused invitations but was happy to host.

I also don't believe a "single mum" is any safer (or more a risk) than a couple. Single mums have brothers, boyfriends, neighbours even.

If anything, it's likely to be a man who is not the child's father, so actually worst!

Sleepovers are not mandatory, but I have always been comfortable for my friends to be invited, as long as I agreed about the parents, of course.