to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

Thank you your post is very kind

I mentioned the trigger this morning was DH saying he had always told all his Gfs who went before me , about his life situation, how it had affected him, depression he suffered because of it

This whole day I was sort of mulling on ...well maybe he 'was so crazy about me' he just didnt want to tell me and chance me walking away so it was all for love (which actually in my heart I know is not true, for eg he was very cheap about how much should be spent on the wedding etc, he never gave crazy in love vibes that would account for this)

Then I spoke to my almost adult DC (and I know I should not have) about this , this evening , but DC does know already that dad had this situation or circumstances or diagnosis and I did not know till much after the fact and has opined in the past. Today I said Dad said he had always told GFs in the past before me maybe I was the one he really could not bear to lose and my DC goes for me its the opposite if I really cared about the person I coudnt not tell them......

Spiralling reading all your posts and what DC said ...I did it all wrong did I not?

I threw away the one wild and precious life I had, no matter what I do now, I'll never get the past 25 years back

The past 25 years gave you your child. And I’m sure you have achieved much more than just that. It has brought you to the person you are today.

Who is hopefully someone who is strong enough to leave and have an even better 25 years ahead of you.

Your words are very kind , thank you ....why does it feel like leaving a child though

Imagine a little 8 year old boy terrified and sat hooked up to a scary looking EEG...imagine being (not on purpose) shamed by your own parents by how ashamed they were of the diagnosis because of the stigma attached in the olden days for some archaic religious belief .....and being made to lie about it by them for years before you were even grown up.....

Either my refusal to leave is that I am an empath at best and an inert foolish coward at worst

I genuinely do not know

Seizures make or break a relationship. There's a reason epileptics were coloured as possessed for thousands of years.

That aside and I want to be as compassionate as I can here: epilepsy does not make you hit people. I say that as someone whose medication is famous for inducing blind rage. Can the medication make you prone to anger? Absolutely, undoubtedly, there's study after study showing a correlation but you still have a choice of what you do with that anger.

Can it be hard to control, yes. Especially if you have the tendency to hyperfocus but that's not an excuse or a justification. If he hits you he's an arsehole. That has nothing to do with epilepsy. If anything you should be more upset that you couldn't live together before marriage so you could gage his behaviours.

You don't need to get the last 25 years back - you just need to make sure the 25 years ahead of you are lived in a safer, healhier way.

You are a kind and articulate lady who nows in your gut this is wrong.

You've alao raised a very smart kid too.

You were young when you met this man so this situation wasn't of your making.

Do you have support friends? Family?

Please also contact Women's Aid and perhaps the police so you can find a way out.

Imagine a little 8 year old boy terrified and sat hooked up to a scary looking EEG...imagine being (not on purpose) shamed by your own parents by how ashamed they were of the diagnosis because of the stigma attached in the olden days for some archaic religious belief .....and being made to lie about it by them for years before you were even grown up.....

All that is your imagination in overdrive OP.

He’s an arsehole, the medical history seems pretty irrelevant. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Hello again OP, you have not thrown away your one wild and precious life, you are still living it! You are only 48, I think you said? But you are also right, your life and hopes and dreams ARE precious. (And I kind of hope a little bit wild too - who knows!)

You WILL be able to effect change to move yourself going forwards authentically to who you are.

But I think you are firstly beginning to realise you have been in an abusive relationship. And that you deserve far better for your next 48 years. No one should walk on eggshells.

Lundy Bancroft book could be a good one to look at: you seem to need to understand his abusive behaviour. It could certainly help you to actually name what is going on and accept that it is NOT your fault. Do NOT let him know you are reading it.

As well as how you have been manipulated and hit, the fundamental element of all abuse is to control others through horrific emotional (abusive) behaviours that can in fact be very subtle and tricky to notice. You are noticing now. This can feel like an avalanche of realisation. Please attribute no shame on your part whatsoever to this.

It is NOT your fault and you have NOT done anything "wrong".

Having said all that, please be careful and do not disclose any of the new insights you are gaining to him.

Seek help and start to orchestrate a safe exit for yourself (and children and any pets) from this abusive situation.

Take care with your electronic footprint. Including this very thread.

Above all, believe that your deserve far, far more for your life. And I have every faith that you will make your moves and changes and ultimately will soar.

Can you contact Women's Aid? Your GP? Or what feels like an achievable step for you?

This is an imaginary child. Who was a kid in the 70s and 80s when epilepsy was in no way seen as a moral failure or demonic or anything else.
What about the kids that are yours? Concentrate on them, and you OP. You've spent enough time pandering to your husband.

Even if you treat it as thought experiment I think you should work through a complete RESET of your life at this moment and consider - would you want to be together from this point on, knowing what you now know - if this was the moment of that decision. I find the "big lie" difficult to move past but his behaviour towards you and you feeling that you have to tread on eggs shells sufficient reason to step out of your commitment to him. I'd be very interested to know what he would do about this - would he make any changes with his behaviour? Any recognition of the profound wrong? Any deepfelt apologies? Any commitment to address how he makes you feel? Your partner should, IMHO, be supporting and encouraging you to fulfil your personal aims, dreams and aspirations - this is what happens in my marriage - we are catalysts, supporters and enablers for each other - the last think I want for my partner is for them to be saying, after my death, finally I can do X, Y or Z. You don't have to carry on with this - he deserves nothing from you imho... and life is short, so short it's cruel.

People still speak in tongues! (Most of them not epileptic). It's quite common in Pentecostal circles.

I had seizures as a child and took the same medication. I could understand some caginess about him disclosing that he was epileptic, but he should have done so when the relationship got serious and certainly before you married. I do however not accept that being epileptic would have impacted his behaviour and made him aggressive and selfish. I think that is selfish and you and he should not use illness to excuse his behaviour.

He's a special grade arsehole. None of his 'behaviours' have anything to do with him being an epileptic. How do i know... because i also have epilepsy, Multiple Sclerosis, stroke and COL4A1. I'm not a cunt.

Not read to the end but this far and this post OP has made me feel very cross for you. I understand you are trying to justify whether or not his angry outbursts to you are ‘ok’ because of his previous medical condition; a medical link sort of maybe excuses his behaviour. This makes it a bit easier to rationalise and accept perhaps. I understand that. I have no experience of epilepsy but I see no excuse for the violent behaviour regardless of medical history, current or past. This is unacceptable behaviour from him.

You have every right to be fed up, to feel you’ve been duped and to question your choices and future plans. You are his wife and important information was not shared. It should have been because it impacted you, your DC and his behaviour has affected your marriage and how he responds to you. Please don’t blame yourself for being young and naive. The blame lies fully at his door. There has been dishonesty and lack of clear communication for a long time. You did nothing wrong. The comment about him telling former girlfriends could be a lie. He married you.

Sending you love and strength for the weeks and months ahead whilst you navigate thisxx

Maybe their refusal to talk is because they know, and have always known, their son is a vile, violent man. Very possible, his parents witnessed this before he married you.

I have a young son and recently ended things with my now ex. The main reason was he was living a double life, but with that I found out that his other children (that he didn’t tell me about) have a genetic condition, that is the full disease. Which would have been passed down from him. Our son was very ill for the first 2 years of his life with constant testing and he didn’t think to tell me to have him tested for the genetic condition!!!!!

Thankfully our son is fine but is a carrier which may be causing some of the symptoms he gets - but the fact that my ex could attend hospital appointments, climb in the ambulances we’ve had to take, sit though countless A&E whilst I’m wracking my brains trying to figure out why our baby keeps getting sick when he could have said “hey, I’m a carrier of x, my other children have y, could we test for this”

I think it’s cruel and my therapist named this as medical neglect (or something like that).

You are not being unreasonable. But I do hope you feel less bitter over time x

It’s totally ok to ask him to leave. The walking on eggshells sounds like you should have asked him to leave years ago. And if he blames his condition you say even if that weee true its not my problem, you lied to me about your condition so it’s not my responsibility. The vows I made were to a liar and I need you to leave.

Sounds like some very odd spot somewhere, with parents exerting strange control over offspring way past the age it’d still be appropriate.
OP was 23 when she met this chap so much her senior, and she explains their not having lived together before marrying (fine if that's your preference) by saying that her parents are strict Catholics. And?

YANBU. I think when you first start dating someone, it’s difficult to know when you should first disclose something like that, but I don’t understand how you actually marry and have kids without telling your SO something like that.

Epilepsy is one of those conditions which carried a stigma in the past and was very much misunderstood. I once had a boss who was epileptic and it was mentioned in a whisper. Many people felt unable to discuss it. Conditions like cancer, HIV and mental illness (which were erstwhile taboo) are only now being discussed openly without shame.

You are trying to persuade yourself that his anger and violence are due to his epilepsy and sympathetic system dysregulation and so on.

They are not. He's vile to you because he wants to be.

Sodium valproate is also prescribed for Bipolar disorder.

People with bipolar disorder will often go off their medication or refuse to take it, meaning that other people need to manage it for them. This is very very common.

Many of the emotional characteristics you’re describing are typical in someone with untreated bipolar disorder.

Are you absolutely sure he isn’t using the epilepsy to conceal an even more stigmatised condition?

I am not sure .....he has mentioned the words 'bipolar disorder' casually many times , bandying it about - like during an argument he used to ask me 'are you bipolar' in the first few months after we were married.....

He has also mentioned being sexually abused by two uncles as a kid

He said the neuro consult did ask him if there was such a history but he said no lying to his doctor when he was a teen

Apparently, HWE can be triggered by such experiences

I can see why this thread might be triggering to people with the condition as I seem to be linking his rage to potential AED side effects, depressive phases also. And now I seem to be saying the HWE itself is caused by factors other than just genetic sometimes, and can be psychosomatic

The sex abuse as a kid he told me about himself about a month after we were married

I remember saying tell me a secret with a cheshire cat grin, and then the grin wiped off my face when he told me 'his secret'.....

My secret disclosure was going to be I had a crush in high school on the cutest boy in the school and he didnt even know I existed ......which seemed like a walk in the park in comparison ever after.