to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

I've got to pop off soon but

• if someone is abusing you then you should leave. You can call the police or a refuge

• on occasions during seizures someone might jerk but you won't get assaulted (e.g. punched/slapped). It'll be clearly unintentional

• it's very disrespectful to people with epilepsy to claim seizures are the root of violence. It's archaic and stigmatising

• I don't really understand the scientific/medical points you reference

He hit you really really hard on several occasions? Why are you still there. Your poor kids.

You are only unreasonable to think his health issue has anything to do with him being a selfish short-fused arsehole… stop making excuses for his behaviour.

I asked him so many times to see the neuro consult again , and to talk to his doctor about these incidents as could be linked and there could be treatment for it?

He never went

He's just abusive @RachelWardd . He has no need to hit you any more because you tiptoe around him. He sounds vile, even without all the lying and parent weirdness.

It's far more likely that it is just his behaviour and not linked to any condition. Either way, the fact he hasn't done anything to address the fact that he has physically assaulted you on four occasions is not just worrying, it's horrifying.

You haven't held him to any standard though? You've pussyfooted around him for 23 years. A normal standard would be, you've hit me, I'm out.

Then why do you stay?

He hit you. Even if this is down to his condition, all the tears in the world mean nothing if he isn't prepared to see if there is a way for him to stop it happening again rather than you having to do all the work, modifying your behaviour and living with the stress of that, to stop him from abusing you again.

Why are you treating yourself so poorly?

You are unreasonable to be so hung up on this one thing when he hasn't had a seizure since he met you and in fact since 2001. The time for him acknowledging it was a big thing to not tell you is long past. He may not even have the condition anymore if he has been medication and seizure free since 2008.

Would it really have stopped you marrying him if you had known? I suspect not.

However, he sounds like a horrible man. You cannot blame his anger and other issues on epilepsy and you are not obliged to put up with violence and having to walk on eggshells for any reason (medical or otherwise).

It really sounds like you would be better off without him and I suggest you give that some serious thought. No one should have to live in fear that if they push someone's buttons they might get hit. You don't have to spend the rest of your life with this man. I walked on eggshells for a long time with my ex h and he never hit me but he did have a very short fuse and seemed unable to control his emotions. He would throw stuff on occasion and be horrible to be around so I tried to make sure that didn't happen, especially when DS was around. It was so liberating when we finally separated. I was 45 with an 11 yo. I have spent the last 8 years single and there are lots of positives about being single (not least the peace that comes with it).

It might be worth considering some counselling. His medical history before you met him is not the only thing wrong with your marriage and you need some help to work through your feelings and decide what you want the rest of your life to look like. I wish you the best of luck.

Comprehensive review: Epilepsy, antiepileptic drugs, and aggression
This is probably the best starting point:
"Epilepsy, Antiepileptic Drugs, and Aggression: An Evidence-Based Review"
Full article (free, PMC)
The authors conclude:

• Aggression is seen in a minority of people with epilepsy.
• It is rarely caused directly by seizures.
• Irritability, anger, and aggression are often associated with broader psychiatric or behavioral conditions, or sometimes with anti-seizure medications.

The review specifically describes irritability as including: "Proneness to anger, annoyance, or impatience

Ok then, you think they are seizure?

Did he immediately go to the doctor after assaulting you as he thought it was medically related?

If not, why not. If I assaulted anyone, I would be scared as it's do far outside my normal behaviour and doing everything to explain it.

I know it's difficult to take a pause in your life and to look at what's normsl to you through the eyes of others, but are you aware that you are using non medically diagnosis conditions to excuse domestic voilence and an abusive relationship?

Maybe it was a dual diagnosis with bi-polar

I will never know really

His dad is almost a 100 and wont talk about it still
He wont really talk in any depth either about it, maybe one sentence of information each year, I have 23 sentences now

I think you truly want to believe this seizure disorder is causing his bad moods and violence. Even if that were the case, it’s his responsibility to sort. I think you need individual counseling. You are so deep in the FOG. I worry about what your children have seen

Yes you're right, I see that......

Im 55 and I've never heard anything of the sort !! We had a girl in our class who had epilepsy and we all knew what to do if we were with her and she had a fit.
Im realky surprised nothing was mentioned and I know that PP have said they've found it embarrassing etc but witnessing an epileptic fit, especially if unaware, is bloody scary and I feel you should have been told. What would happen if something serious happened and uou didn't know serious medical history?

I think you have tried to excuse away his abusive behaviour in the past as it being related to historic epilepsy. So much so, you have started to believe it.

But I’m sorry to tell you, you are married to an abusive, nasty, angry little man. This has nothing to do with epilepsy. And you’ve never even seen a seizure, how can you possibly say that his violent outbursts look like seizures? I’ve seen more than my fair share and never seen one that is outwardly violent. DH did used to push people away from him as soon as he came round but that was because he was scared and confused with no memory of where he was and who was with him.

Your DH doesn’t have epilepsy any more. He grew out of it, like over 50% of children diagnosed do. It is not to blame for the abuse you have experienced.

Stop making excuses and please leave. That’s the best thing you can do for you and your children.

other things he lied about in the first year of dating

• turned out he was unemployed at the time
• said he was 26 not 30

You can't turn back the clock. You can only look at the man he is today.

A man who has lied overtly and also by omission.
A man who has physically assaulted you on at least four occasions.
A man with a 'short fuse' who you tiptoe around to avoid his ire.

Not a man I would want to be with.

He hit you. That’s enough. Nothing else matters. Everything else pales in comparison.

OP didn’t know his parents were doing this until after they were married.

Dare I be really blunt and make all sorts of assumptions... you tip toe around a man that you don't love who has been violent to you. You have started to look back at your life and wonder how you got here and if you can carry on. Your child is nearly an adult and you are entering perimenopause / menopause. This is the perfect time to do some soul searching, to find if the 'speak your mind 20 something' person wants to come out and see what life can be for her now that her child is nearly grown.

Get yourself a life coach / therapist or a womens circle...

Do you work? Do you have more than one child? What would happen if you suggested family therapy? What is your financial situation like? At the very least, start to fill your life with things you love...

I’m mid sixties and I can confirm what this poster has said. Many religions viewed epilepsy as a moral failing and condemned those who suffered from it.

If you read the whole thread you'll see this piece of enlightenment came a few pages back. And I acknowledged it. Already done and dusted.

Dear OP, you don't have anything to apologise for. You are very brave. You and you alone get to control any and all information you do - or do not - care to share anywhere. Including on a MN post. AND the timing of this.

OP you are in an abusive relationship. You have mentioned needed to walk on eggshells so many times throughout your posts. I knew that at some point you were going to disclose something additional. This and the fact that the dynamics of your relationship are 'confusing'.

(Without a doubt you were lied to for whatever historical reasons about his diagnosis.)

But what is important now is that you consider how to extricate yourself and your children. Because you have been cowed into being a shell of who you are with the terror of needing to placate an abusive man.

You have many years to thrive, but please do consider how to leave, and safely. Do you have sources of help?

That’s because you are linking it to excuse him and to keep your catholic guilt alive.

Get away from this abuser. An abuser who years ago had seizures, but frankly: so what!

My best friend is married to a man with epilepsy. He a lovely bloke. He gets low sometimes but is respectful to her and the kids.

Edit to say, his epilepsy has caused damage, but nothing that creates abuse.