to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

Last night I broached looking at his childhood med history files online and he said he did not want to....I dont have access even if I did want to snoop.

I think it is possible even he never knew the full thing and his parents kept some of it to themselves , his mother has taken it to her grave

Apart from the medication itself, and his behaviour, it was him stopping by his parents’ place as an adult to receive medication that made me wonder. Family members will sometimes manage medication for people with bipolar to make sure they take it.

Mania and hypomania can often present as extreme irritability, anger and “having a short fuse.”

It’s not a condition that just resolves, though, it will get much worse over time if not properly treated, so you would see a worsening of those behaviours.

He should have told you but it also sounds like he was possibly kept in the dark about some of it himself.

Presumably, it would be on his medical records and he could find out?

However...

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

Would it really have led to you making a different decision in light of the above and the fact you were 23 and in love?

Becaise I know that when I was 23, life at 30/40 or beyond wasn't something I could realistically imagine!

This is the consequence of the religious approach to marriage, with everything very curated and rushed and then marriage expected to be permanent. It's why non religious people get to know each other properly first, so I do think you are placing all the blame on him when your parents and your deliberate niaivity also played a part.

Although he's not behaved great, I think to move forward you need to take some responsibility as well, you chose to marry someone you didn't know very well, you chose to stay with someone with a bad temper. This is not to blame you, but to show you that you do have the power and control to change things, life isn't just happening to you.

So what if you can make a tenuous connection between his bad personality traits and a childhood medical condition? Is that a better use of your time than reflecting of whether he makes you happy and what you want out of life?

It reads to me as if you want to say: he has a nasty side, the blame for that is this medical thing, the blame for me not knowing about the medical thing is him not saying in time... Therefore I'm powerless and blameless. So what?

OP - you are badly conflating two wholly separate (unacceptable) situations here.

The ‘not telling’ and effectively duping you into marriage is one thing. I am not at all surprised that this still haunts you all these years on. It was launched at you at a very vulnerable time (whilst your dad’s health was plunged into crisis) so you had no chance to process it and respond normally in that moment. Very convenient for your ‘D’ H…
At the very least, you deserve a proper full exposé on his condition now, and a fulsome apology for the deception at the beginning of your relationship. Of course, you won’t get this because of the separate second situation….
You are living with an abusive partner.

Regardless of the deception and lies, your partner is abusive. ‘Walking on eggshells’ is what abused people have to do. So he hasn’t hit you for many years, but that’s only because you ‘walk on eggshells’ to prevent it.
You all do exactly as he wants ‘90% of the time’ to avoid his wrath (and punches). The other 10% of the time you manage and control your reasonable requests in order not to enrage him (and earn another punch).
Your wants and needs are not just ignored, they are drowned out by his will and determination to have things his way (or give out a beating).

You say your DC is almost adult, and it seems they have the measure of the situations better than you do. But, be careful. They are learning from you how to handle life. You can refuse to leave, and even justify it by declaring yourself and empath (a dreadful thing for anyone to self-declare, btw), but your kid(s) are watching, and learning, and taking this into their own future lives.

Your ‘D’H is NOT a child - stop excusing your responses to him - he’s a grown-ass man who now claims to have no problems. He’s off his meds, and all is well with the world. Except it’s not! And he is doing nothing about his appalling behaviour, and YOU aren’t forcing him to do something about it. His temper and aggression may or may not be connected to his medical condition (yes, the one he’s ‘cured’ of, since no more meds), but either way he has problems! His family has to ‘walk on eggshells’ because of it, and live in fear that they won’t manage it and will suffer his wrath. He’s not getting help for it. He’s ignoring it, and you aren’t even allowed to talk about any of this apart from once a year for a one sentence response.

Please, for the love of God, wake up.
Put your big girl pants on, get some help (counselling, a good friend or whatever) and address your completely unsustainable life.

Sending you so much love 🩵🩵

Thank you ....so much to think about...and I have left it till my meno brain fog years to sort my head out, when I should have could have if only had, done it at least ten years ago .....

Almost all, All actually, of the posts have been so useful ....I am going to first off see if the Bipolar symptoms and presentation matches up with what I know ....

Only this thread has made me see for the first time that HWE itself might have been only the benign part of the diagnosis being shared with me to date and that it might have been a smaller part of a bigger set of health issues like Bipolar.

He has said his last ex before me was bi polar ....that would make sense in light of what some posters have pointed out that his meds fit BPolar etc ....that he would have wanted originally to settle down with someone he could be completely open with and who shared the same condition ....she had been two timing him with someone else, turns out so he broke up with her about 6 months before he met me

He says he cried uncontrollably the day after, never seen him cry like that in 24 years......

Neither of you are the people you married. Life, 25 years of life changes us all...
Your 25 years have not been a waste, you have your DC and it sounds like you have a healthy relationship with them.
You have easily another 25 years ahead of you, to live the life YOU want. To not have to silence yourself, not have to compromise your thoughts, your choices, your behaviours.
Your husband has lied to you consistently throughout your marriage, albeit on occasion by omission. He has been violent. He has been emotionally abusive. He has been disrespectful.
25 years is a long time.
A long time to be happy.
And an even longer time to be unhappy.
Maybe this is the time to decide to be kind.... to yourself.

I have epilepsy and I told my now husband when we’d been together for about two months. Up until this point I made sure he never saw me taking my medication.

However, I had been seizure free for over 3 years at this point so I didn’t feel there was any huge need to tell him.

The only reason I did tell him after a few months was because we were discussing contraception options and epilepsy really complicates that issue so there was no way I could avoid discussing it with him really.

He was the only boyfriend I was nervous about telling because of how much he meant to me. There is so much shame and stigma attached to the condition that the fear of being dumped because of it is very real even now, never mind 30+ years ago when the shame and stereotypes were even worse.

With regards to medication risks and conception from the point of view of men taking sodium valproate, I think it’s only within the last 5 years that the research has taken place so don’t dwell on that, he didn’t deceive you or hide anything from you in that respect. Back then the drug was considered safe for women to conceive on and it wasn’t considered a risk at all for men. Ok, research now says different, but back when you had your child you would have been told there were no risks even if you had known he was on the drug.

Thank you all, I am struggling to process a bit at the moment. I hear those telling me that there is no excuse for a violence prone short temper and that is is abuse. But my brain is still forcing me to go step by step with the data.

This is what I have so far -

1. 1200 people voted and 200 of them said I was being unreasonable in (still?) feeling upset that he did not tell me about his med history and that my choice therefore was not a fully informed choice nor did I have the skills and knowledge I could have had in managing our relationship had I been informed.
2. Almost 1K people agree that he should have told me, and they would be upset too.
3. A number of people living with the condition posted here to say any anger and aggression and ND - must be treated as completely unrelated
4. However, there are studies for sure showing that anger and angression has been linked to AEDs in a proportion of cases (not all)
5. 2008 was a typo on when he stopped meds, it was 2011 - so for the first 9 years I knew him he was on AEDs, by then I had learnt eggshell treading well enough
6. Could it also be bi-polar in addition, not just HWE? that would explain the continued refusal by parents to make it a topic of conversation (his mum passed 5 years ago,but dad still around)
7. I have scanned through BPolar symptoms etc now and they do match

That is as far as I have got but this thread has and is helping me tremendously, very grateful to everyone who posted.

I agree this is my fault and my upbringing - I think it is still ingrained in me , all the above happened because of my original sin and now I must continue to atone, there is a part of me that does feel that - and yet there is a part of me super pissed off that does not agree with that other catholic part of me.....

Sexual abuse by his uncles. No honest disclosure from him as regards his medical stuff. God only knows what secrets have been kept from him by his parents and in turn things kept by him from you. What a tangled web of lies.

Dishonesty is unacceptable. Physical violence is even more unacceptable. I could not excuse any of this behaviour regardless of medical issues. The first time he laid hands on me would have been it. My DH has always known this and adultery to be my two non-negotiables.

I’m Catholic so understand the background and you not living with him beforehand. I had strict parents too. It was the same for my older siblings. You have to ask yourself if this is how you want to continue living; is a life of walking on egg shells what you want? Are you ok living like this until he loses his temper again and hits you? Are you ok with then having to soothe him like a baby? It’s all about him and his needs: it has been you pandering to him.

You need to prioritise yourself now and your children in whatever way you can. I suspect he has taken advantage of your good nature and your ‘marriage for life’ commitment as a Catholic; safe in the knowledge he can mistreat you because you will never end the marriage because of your faith.

Had my DH ever been violent, my staunch Catholic father, always strict on marriage, would have beaten the shit out of him and ensured I left him and the marriage. I hate to use the word ‘door mat’ but, by staying with him and accepting the violence, you run the risk of your kids potentially viewing you as one. Sorry if that seems harsh. I don’t wish to criticise you but kids aren’t daft; they don’t miss a thing and you are their role model.

I understand the difficult situation you are in and the questions you must ask yourself. Being a committed Catholic does not mean you have to condone his poor behaviour and continue living in such a precarious marriage. Violence in any form is never justified. You could also seek out spiritual support from your parish priest if it would help you.

How many years of your marriage, whilst he’s been violent to you and where you’ve learnt to live your life walking on eggshells, has he also been having seizures and/or been on seizure medication?

This. Why can’t he remember to take a tablet without visiting his parents!

Original sin? Atonement? Mate, no.

This bad tempered man has hit you multiple times, tells loads of lies and you walk on eggshells around him (plus your kids do too I bet).

What about his sins?? Man alive, you are not accountable for his unpleasant behaviour.

Thank you to those who replied today ......

I think for me, the reason it all comes back to this question 'should he have told me beforehand...' is because

1. If his anger and medical issues are linked, then it is his wiring and less his free will (very controversial topic and the science is still emerging). There are studies showing links so the 3-4 episodes are moral grey zone lets say but again how many would there have been if I had stayed myself and stood up a lot more for my needs rather than pussyfooting it.
2. BUT there is no moral grey zone around should he have told me. I am even more clear than I have ever been before that HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. If i leave this will be why, and not because of the 3-4 violent incidents and the constant short fuse.

In the heat of the moment, maybe he does feel taken over and lashes out. Re conflict, arguments, differing points of view

But the decision to not tell me for two years and he could have even the week or the day before the wedding ....he also chose not to tell me for months and years after the marriage and I sherlock holmed (not very well) my way to it.

That was a cold blooded calculating decision designed to disregard another person's agency over their own life and their free will. That feels (sorry for the dramatic words) evil to me, and I could walk from that.

I suppose the reverse is true as well - if there really is no link medically - he is an abusive arsehole who incidentally had HWE as a youngster.

That then makes not telling me about a benign condition fully resolved in the past not as serious or unforgiveable but then it makes the violence and anger unforgiveable.

:-(

OP, are you happy in your marriage? Are you thriving?

Because it doesn’t sound as though you are.

And to me, it kind of makes all this historic epilepsy, who did or didn’t say what etc kind of irrelevant.

If you were happy and content in your marriage, anything that happened in the past wouldn’t matter.

If you are not happy, then rather than dwell on the past, start focusing on your future and what you can do right now to change how you feel. Maybe it’s therapy, together or alone. Maybe it’s starting to imagine a future without your DH and planning for that?

If you ask me instinctively which my heart believes based on what I know

The wiring is wrong and that is not his fault, his anger moods, everything has something to do with the temporal lobe or frontal lobe neurons and their dysregulation of para sympathetic nervous system causes a very bad fight response to even the most minor disagreement.

But the decision to not tell me before the wedding or engagement , that shows his personality. And that was on him. He still won't apologise for it.

I want him to own up to the lies and go to therapy @Beachforever , to come out of the shame and anger he felt growing up. Perhaps it should be directed at his parents then he would not feel it for me, but either ways therapy can support him come to terms with all that anger, rage , depression, moods he feels

I need therapy too to get over my anger at all my in laws not just him

Not telling me was pathological right? It was not a small white lie?

He has minimised and gaslighted this point as recently as yesterday

I am sorry to say I am an extremely shallow person, I might have backed out of the wedding even if he had told me the week before. I would not have had the maturity at that age.......

Thank you , this thread has been extremely clarifying

My anger is valid, I have been gaslit

Now what, is an answer I will need time to decide. I am not sure I want to stay

But you can’t control him. You can’t make him apologise for something he doesn’t feel sorry for. Equally, you can’t make him go to therapy.

You have decided that you want to attribute his vile behaviour to his epilepsy. And you want him to apologise to you for that. But clearly that’s not the way he sees it. Nor many of us on this thread.

Your current and future happiness is down to you, and you alone. You have complete agency on how you choose to feel about things, the behaviour you’re willing to accept in a marriage and how you want to live your life.

Thanks @bumblebee3122 , no I want him to apologise to me for not telling me before the wedding. I mean like I want him to stop feeling shame about the childhood diagnosis which he does, and I want him to feel shame for his lies, which he does not.