to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

Based on your posts, and from reading the HUNDREDS of threads we see on this forum every year from women in abusive relationships I am about 99.9% confident your husband was just an abusive and violent man for the same reason all the others are.

Because he wanted to be.

Reading your words makes me want to cry for you and beat the shit out of him.

You were not foolish, horrible or lacking in emotional intelligence.

You did not deserve to be pushed, slapped or hit.

You should be able to have an argument, raise your voice, get cross and express your views without violence.

Your husband has been a manipulative, violent man for years. Bastard.

Be as angry as you want to be.

He trapped and trained you, and now is denying what he did.

He didn't bother to mention something which was influencing his every day (at least in the form of going for the medication). He hit you when you dared to noticed.

You still don't know whether he told you the whole truth with the bipolar option making more and more sense.

You are allowed to consider and choose divorce.

I understand that you would prefer him owning up the lies and changing his ways. He won't unless he understands that losing you is a real option.

Be careful, with any kind of abuser, no matter whether it is personality or illness/disorder, the moment when he understands you are leaving him is the most dangerous one.

I’ve had seizures for 24 years, it has ruined my life in ways I can’t even explain. I hate, hate HATE, living with this condition. It’s affected my childhood, my relationships, my independence, my career, my freedom, my friendships,….. just everything. I live in fear every day of having a seizure….. I wake up every morning and wonder whether I’m going to make it to end of the day alive or whether I’m going to randomly wake up surrounded by paramedics or in a hospital bed. I take 4 different drugs a day to try and control my seizures (which don’t work and give me horrible side effects that I have to put up with every day) and I have endless therapy to try and help with my anxiety, which doesn’t work either. Most days I am an absolute ball of rage, I am so angry that I have to live like this, I feel like screaming all day everyday because of how angry I am about what my life is like……… but I have still never hit anyone.

@ScaredButUnavoidable , I know it wasn't the point of your post at all, but cannot just read this and move to the main point of your post. Hugs. I am so sorry. I hope you have good support. I hope you find the right medicines soon. Even having to stay small and walk on eggshells is nothing compared to what you are going through and yet you are here supporting me......

Cruel God, I do not understand Him or His ways, but I keep praying to Him ....

You had nothing to forgive yourself for. You blame yourself for escalating things by not walking away. Your husband, equally, could have, should have, chosen to walk away without losing his temper and being violent.

You were very young. You were dealing with the illness and subsequent loss of your beloved dad at a young age which must have been incredibly difficult whilst living with this violent husband. You have learned not to stir the beast. I understand you have done this to cope.

Having never seen this sort of bad temper before would’ve only made things harder. I doubt you would’ve been able to confide in your own parents about your worries given your dad’s ailing health and perhaps their views that marriage is for life.

You have done nothing wrong. He has controlled and manipulated you with his violence.

If you have a DD, think about the advice you would give her now if she were in a similar position. Despite my upbringing, I would never discourage my DD from living with a man before marriage. As the old saying goes, ‘If you want to know me, come and live with me.’

You can leave at any time, @RachelWardd .

He has behaved appallingly.

Some of the blame can be laid on his parents, but definitely not all of it.

He has been awful to you, over a number of years.

Physically, verbally, and emotionally.

You're only 48, you have plenty of years left to lead a more peaceful and content life.

💐

@RachelWardd based on what keep writing you are spending far FAR too much time thinking about him and his motivations - will you just drop it and start talking and thinking (and writing) about what you want out of your life and your relationship (if you want to be in one) - you really are overthinking this.

@RachelWardd
Have your DC ever been subjected to his temper and violence?

I don't know , I'm not sure ....I get your point, and @InspectorDuckedCantBeFooked and the others.

I havent seen myself as anything other than protector,soother, wife of Mr Wardd in a very long time. I understood the assignment he gave me I guess, and I am not sure it was not God's assignment to me as well to do this, for a while a good many years my mother suggested it may be Gods plan , to be a good wife to this angry person.

Lately she has said she never said that or meant that, it was all a long time ago and a lot else was going on for her at the time....

WWYD?

OP, you seem to caught in a position of trying to excisecor understand why he does what he does.

The why doesn't change anything.
He's abusive, a liar and a manipulator.

You know this.
This is no way to live.

You are not responsible for his support or wellbeing. He didn't give a shit about yours sll these years.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid, a therapist, the police or a trusted friend or family member yet?

No , when DC were smaller he wasnt very hands on, it was mostly me. So perhaps I shielded them well.

He never ever showed any physical violence to them, I swear to that. He would at worst with them just stay away, sulk if they didnt follow his instructions and they would not really even notice , the silent treatment, happy with their friends in themselves

They know everything now (not in the way I told you all here though. in the way you tell teens) and they also agree with all of you , always have that he's just an arsehole who was not/ isn't very nice to our mum (DS's only) and would support me leaving. They are not close to him, but do have affection in a resigned way. I suppose even if I leave, he will always have them in his life when they are adult , he won't be utterly alone.

DC are very sunny outgoing easygoing funny ...no dark moods or broody silence with me touchwood, very unusually so given in hormonal teens.

Please God let it stay that way, please

The DC who wants to go into psychiatry for his career and uni choice - quips to me about his dad , almost exactly what posters on here said.

'You don't need the DSM-5 to find an answer to dad being grumpy with you , then or now, mum - he is just a typical asshole'

"WWYD?"

I would leave. And never look back.

Staying in your corner.

That sums up a lot. You are clearly an intelligent woman; you know how he has treated you and how he is likely to continue treating you.

Are you happy to stay in ‘your corner’ for your remaining years? Your life is not over.

You say you are his only support but he is an adult. What about YOU and your support?

Are you content to live the rest of your life with this unpredictability?

Thank you, no not happy to stay in my corner forever, I am also worried menopause and all of it (ovarian cysts, bladder incontinence, etc), is making it harder for me to do so even I was in theory happy to.

No, not content to live in unpredictability ...scared of it actually, very much so.

Tried to DM you @ScaredButUnavoidable but my DM function never seems to work :-( , on this laptop at least .....or maybe as I do not have paid sub.

Do you have a husband/partner/OH or other family or do you live alone. Are you wfh....

But don't you think that if it was epilepsy, he would feel remorseful afterwards? Not justify your "shrewlike" behaviour as a inescapable cause of him hitting you?

My angry ex was also obsessed with people not showing him the respect that he thought he needed, and he was also terrified of rejection (I too diagnosed him with rejection sensitive dysphoria). Oh I also diagnosed him with ADHD. It's really common to look for some cause. But I ask again, even if he does have this mythical link with his old condition (that he grew out of many many years ago), what does it matter? He won't get help, he won't stop being angry, you're walking on egg shells constantly, and he shows no remorse. Why are you staying?

I live with my husband and our two children. I don’t work as my health is too bad.

Thank you for your lovely words and kind thoughts earlier, I have only just seen them x

He trapped you. It is not the end of the world and divorce is something normal these days. Not sure what more someone can say

Yes, that's what all abusers say!

There will be no custody battle.
Your children will decide when and if they will see him.

He has stolen years from you with his lies and violence.

Start planning your exit and let him sort himself out.

He is not your responsibility.

You have become obsessed with making excuses for this man. You’re doing that so you don’t have to face the fact that he’s an abusive asshole. You’ve wound yourself in circles over and over for a man who treats you badly.

You have clearly been excusing this behavior for years and you’re posting now because the little sniffles of doubt have gotten too big to ignore. And now you’re focusing on the lie about epilepsy instead of the true problem here. You are so desperately trying to ignore the truth, OP.

Thank you for sharing. I did pull up all your posts meanwhile to check you hopefully were not alone and I felt better when I read your husband is a good man .....and you have two beautiful angels also who love you....

I am sorry that I said I might not have married him at the time if he had told me, I was an immature superficial 24 , maybe I deserved not being told - it doesn't excuse him not telling me, he's still an asshole for that, but I can understand why God might have done that to me, to learn to be less superficial? But I can do that without giving into an abuser like people on here are saying rightly so and you are saying that too to me.

You are so lovely , I read some of your posts. This is a safe space anytime you want to share , and I will come by yours too if that is okay.....I just got yelled at by him for 2 whole minutes (called me a bitch) because I accidentally pulled the door handle the wrong way and it has been damaged, I apologised profusely then he softened and went away. None of this is to do with the epilepsy is it, thanks for helping me move towards being able to see that, you and all the others on here today.....