to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

[RachelWardd]

We met when I was 23 and he was 30.

I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc.

We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married.

Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan

Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over.

Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004.

Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath
I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen.

A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it.

with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else.

AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

I am sorry that I said I might not have married him at the time if he had told me, I was an immature superficial 24 , maybe I deserved not being told - it doesn't excuse him not telling me, he's still an asshole for that

If you were immature, the right thing would had been to give you more time, not throwing you into a marriage with an abusive lier.

I understand that religion of any kind might lead people to think more about "deserving" and something being good for something else, looking for deeper meaning in different aspect of their lifes. However, you shouldn't use it to gaslight yourself.
No, you haven't deserved this. It just happened, because he & his parents engineered this marriage for your husband without giving a thought to whether it was right for you.

@kirinm , did you hear back on the genetic testing? Hope it was good news.

Thank you....

OMG. This made me cry.
Your religion, as important as it may be to you, is totally distorting the reality of the situation you are in. This is NOT your fault. You do NOT deserve this. Your children do NOT deserve to see their mother treated like this.

He is a grown up. He has ALL the agency he demands. He has done NOTHING to address his issues. It’s really irrelevant what is causing his behaviour - epilepsy or arseholery - he’s not sorting it out. You deserve BETTER.

Gong to dry my tears and hope this thread helps you see the light. 🧎‍♀️‍➡️🙏

Why would you be embarrassed about a condition you literally had no control over?
I had/have depression (controlled now by meds) but noboby in my world talked about it back in the 80s ...and by the time we go to the 90s I kept it to myself as you were labelled as 'mad'....plus I thought it was my fault, if only I could "think more positively" ha.
I can understand why I was embarrassed about that due to the backwards culture/understanding we had then, but surely epilepsy doesn't fall in to that category? I'm just curious x

Oh @RachelWardd I could cry for you just reading this.☹️ You must try to leave him and plan how to do so carefully. You have the right to be happy, safe and to live without fear. I couldn’t imagine being stuck with him, even, god forbid, having to care for him (or be cared for by him) in my later years.

You clearly have wonderful children who have the measure of their dad; they can see him for the arsehole he is.

Hugs to youxx🫂

Collapsing, convulsing, incontinence - a seizure isn’t pretty or delicate. They’re scary to witness. I felt totally embarrassed when I knew people had seen me wet myself as an adult or fall and smash my head open. I’d feel embarrassed now as you lose control over your body and just have to hope someone helps you.

It shouldn’t make you feel embarrassed but it definitely did when I was younger.

Oh darling...that sounds so hard and scary to deal with. Thank you for sharing/explaining xx
I do remember witnessing a boy having a seizure at high school in a biology class and the teacher trying to deal with it the best he could....but if it's any consololation not one of the kids mocked him at all, we were all just concerned.

You cannot control his actions or feelings. You only control the choices make

100% this. I hope OP leaves this abusive man, and educates herself about epilepsy. She is so offensive and ignorant.

Managed to find some info today (this evening) about which hospital it was that he went to 'at least once every couple of months' from the age of 10 to 30....

The website says it was a psychiatric hospital but also had a neurosciences unit.

Woke up this morning feeling silly, like I have blown it all out of proportion the med history and all of it , just because I was having a couple of days of feeling bad, possibly even hormonal as have not had a period in 4 months , but feel one coming on now.....

You are absolutely NOT being silly.
Your life is miserable and unsustainable.
You need to either get your ‘D’H to sort himself out, or you need to leave. You can’t go in like this.

I've learnt that PMS rage is often a way how to notice things which actually bother me, but I didn't pay attention to them or suppress them for quiet life the rest of the time.
It's not always literal, sometimes the rage focuses on one small aspect, but looking at the broader topic or issue, it often is a real issue which needs addressing.

You don't have to take a big action today. Just don't brush it off.
The lying before the wedding is one thing.
Training you to walk on the egg shells about him is worse.
Hitting you? Really bad
Not owning any of the abuse? Sign that it's definitely not just the epilepsy wiring. If it was, he would feel really bad after the situation is over. And, if he valued you, he would be trying to work on his health problems to make sure he doesn't do it again. He doesn't. He doesn't see what he is doing to you as bad. Even when it is.

It sounds to me like unregulated bipolar. It is linked with fits and I speak from experience. I was lucky that I was told about it by my hubby straight away or else we wouldn’t have been married. He is prone to selfish behaviour and has a quick temper but just walks out never abusive or violent. I’ve worked hard to get him the right meds and he is so much better now he is stable. When he is not stable I can only describe as zero accountability and irrational. It doesn’t matter what I say he would be the victim. He has some sort of shadow on the brain which caused him to have the similar fits to your hubby. If he gets too hot now he has night terrors or sometimes what I think are fits in his sleep. We sleep with a fan. There are quite a few similarities here.
I think I would be as annoyed as you but personally probably wouldn’t have made as far as you without knowing.
it’s extremely difficult to navigate, but he needs meds and he needs to take ownership of it in order for you to move forward.

You don't need a reason to take a look at your life and wonder if there might be changes you can make to allow yourself to put yourself at the centre, do things that bring you joy and generally spend more time being content.

Fill your life with things that bring you joy - if you find yourself pushing your needs aside - think about how you can change this.. you don't need to get too hung up on whether it is your husband's illness or his personality - if you don't love the way your life is, and he is not willing to make changes together - make changes on your own.

Hello again OP,

Here is a link to the Lundy Bancroft book I found online for you. I hope that I have pasted it in a way that works. If not, a quick google search brings it up.

Even if you read the bit near the beginning titled 'Note on Terminology' I think you will find the information on the spectrum of behaviours of anger and control useful.

And of course it remains ultimately your choice whether or not to review anything in it at all / whether to dip into it further.

I think Chapter 2 goes into 'myths' and looks at childhood issues.

(PMT is not the issue here either, but hope you're not feeling too yucky.)

As I mentioned upthread, please consider keeping your insights and new information to yourself, and give careful thought to your electronic footprint including this thread, your safety and that of your children +/- any pets.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Lundy Bancroft

Please don't think it is some test from God for you to care for this man and put up with his shit. I am not a believer but if their was a God, I would hope for one who loves us not one who plays games with our lives.

It sounds like your son has the measure of him which is good. If you decide to split it will be hard at first but you will be fine I promise. You cannot change the past but you can choose the future you want.