AIBU to expect quieter after-school time for my only child?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

I'm a proud mum of one and count myself very lucky to have my DS. I'd have loved a bigger family but due to significant primary and then secondary infertility we'll be a one child family. I have largely made peace with this, and I am in the fortunate position to work school hours from home and being able to spend lots of quality time with him. Here's the thing- my son is constantly seeking adventure (he's 7) and wants entertainment and other kids to play with (which really doesn't help my feelings of guilt about "not giving him a sibling", which I know I can't do anything about anyways) after school. We do have lots of play dates and fun things to including Beavers and swimming, but I also just want to stay home and play there. If relevant, DS is also suspected to have mild ADHD.

I have an older sibling but didn't have much interaction with them when I was a child, I loved to just hang around the house after school. AIBU to think that my child can't always expect me to provide tons of entertainment after school and that gardening together etc is also a valid form of spending after school time?

I don’t know if this has been suggested @Enjoyingmyicecream but would you think about getting a dog? Regularly having to get out and exercise/walk it would be great energy burn off for your child and lovely company too (obviously choosing the breed carefully and only if you would like a dog). When he’s older depending where you live he could walk it independently.

I was thinking I didn’t do much after school but then remembered endless dog walks and playing ball etc with them.

Thank you! Yes we do loads of crafting 😊

We actually got a cat as my son loves cats! So no dog possible plus we travel loads. Thank you for the suggestion though!

Yes, he loves doing housework actually!

My similar age child needs something active every day. Not always in groups but if nothing planned I still take him out for a walk in woods or on his bike, or similar as well as chilling in afterwards or playing indoors. But he def needs a good 90mins to burn off energy

He also does a adhd focused gym and balance class 5-6pm one afternoon, and football twice a week 5-6.30pm ( usually after walk/ bike/ park also). Hes happy to help in garden once home from these once energy burnt off a bit. Hes never tired

Ooh and apart from left field dog suggestion I was going to suggest setting up a circuit or obstacle course in the garden if you have space. You could time him doing it and he could see if he could improve and you could make it harder etc over time. We had this as kids and I was obsessed. Something like run to the end of the garden and back, 10 star jumps or burpees, walk along some kind of balance beam to the trampoline, 20 bounces, hop across to the other side of the garden, blow up a balloon, and jump back to the house with balloon between his knees without popping it (could do water balloons when hot). Or anything else - bouncing a ball or singing a favourite song while standing on one leg, shouting abracadabra while waving a wand… you get the idea. Infinite variation and you just need the stopwatch on your phone.

But also - YANBU to sometimes prioritise what you want to know. He has needs but so do you and being “in” a day or two a week is totally valid and he will learn to manage his own energy (potentially by running round and round and round the house but still!)

My 6 year old goes to wraparound care and burns energy there but he still wants entertaining at home.
lately the following have been great.
Swing time
picnic in the garden- just for variety instead of eating inside
lego obstacle course
marble rush
stories… taking it in turns to read

and … it’s ok to just chill and watch tv!

I'll have you know that I wouldn't change one thing about my son , he's perfect as he is and I'm not looking to change him in any way (as you are suggesting I should "parent for the child I have vs the child I want)

I totally get you OP. Even with multiple play dates and activities if they're an only they either have to be left to their own devices or be entertained by you. It's hard!

Playdates and clubs at don't fill that void a sibling does at 8am on a Saturday. It's just not as much fun playing by yourself as it is with someone else.

I just swing between guilt and exhausted!

But you do want him to change, you want him to potter round quietly with you at home instead of wanting to play with other kids all the time instead. He doesn't want to do that, he's told you that, but that's what you want him to do.

Good heavens I give up, we are an incredibly active family and if you'd have read any of my updates then you'd see that we do several play dates, sports sessions, swimming etc a week. My post was purely for ideas on how to do calmer things at home because surely little kids need some downtime too.

Thank you to all who've been so helpful I've got lots of ideas to tey I especially loved the obstacle course suggestion!

All great suggestions thank you! I'll prep some picnic tea tomorrow!!

I was thinking exactly the same. My ADHD 12 year old is still like a puppy - needs walked numerous times a day. We did lots of park meetups with other kids. Biking, trampoline, dog walks, swimming, anything involving exercise. Sometimes I would go to the park with a book and let him do laps with his bike when he eas that age.

I think it’s more pronounced this time of year too. DD1 is straight home from school and out in garden with DD2 sometimes for a couple of hours after school, just because it’s light, warmer, etc. Whereas I would need to decompress after a day around so many people, DD1 seems to need to expend some energy somehow. She is very creative so will often sit with the air clay and stuff but at the moment it’s full-on garden mayhem with little sister. If she was an only, I imagine we would have to do a lot more to entertain her.

We did lots of star wars light saber battles in the garden followed by quieter TV time inside - at that age DS2’s favourite was Steve Backshall programmes . DS1 was obsessed with cars at 7/8/9 - Top Gear, the Stig etc. But we always did some physical activity first.

Ahh yes saber battles, I'll add this to my list too! Such good inspiration!

It was an example of two boys I know well not a premise; the premise is that there are levels of impact adhd has on people’s lives, this is very very well evidenced and proven and it is not ok to jump on anyone who tries to express that. My brother, for another example, would say he’s had a great life, loves his job, awesome group of friends, it’s all true, and not calling it mild adhd is offensive to those really struggling.

It sounds like you're doing great if you already have 3 afternoons with activities or friends and it's fine not to want to be doing something every single day
How about doing some cooking or baking together.

It is unfair to judge ND levels by how an outsider experiences them instead of how the person with the condition experiences them. A child throwing chairs around the class is often going to be seen as 'worse' ADHD because it impacts others directly.

Whereas others will have more internal or masked ADHD and could be unable to read and write, end up self harming or with addictions etc. It can be just as severe despite it not being so apparent externally.

You are his mum , ie his carer and protector, not his social secretary. Let him have some playfates and some garden toys to help him burn off energy and find his own amusements at home the rest of the time.

Ahh thank you. Sorry, I think your title and your OP made it sound more like you wanted to do less playdates and more 'quiet time'.

It's most probably a child thing rather than an only child thing.

My daughter was an only child up until 5 and has always been happy to sit with her own thoughts and play. She is very much the same as I was. She has a friend who is a pseudo only child as her siblings are 13 and 18 years older than her and her mum is always saying that after school she spends the whole time playing with her daughter as she won't do things on her own.

My partner is the younger sibling with a nearly 3 year age hal5 and he has to be around people and from talking to my mil has always been this way and was her shadow.

You said, lets not pretend that kids who find it tricky and kids who are about to get kicked out are the same, as if that's the scale for how severe the adhd is.

I just wanted to point out that my child is not at risk of getting kicked out of school but also nobody would describe his adhd as mild because of the challenges he faces, so that's not the scale adhd should be measured on to me. Hope that makes sense, no disrespect.

I guess if they're self harming or have addictions that is external (and to some extent observable) behaviour though?

Although I agree with you that sadly self harm is rarely taken as seriously as behaviour that is "challenging" to other people.