AIBU to expect quieter after-school time for my only child?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

I'm a proud mum of one and count myself very lucky to have my DS. I'd have loved a bigger family but due to significant primary and then secondary infertility we'll be a one child family. I have largely made peace with this, and I am in the fortunate position to work school hours from home and being able to spend lots of quality time with him. Here's the thing- my son is constantly seeking adventure (he's 7) and wants entertainment and other kids to play with (which really doesn't help my feelings of guilt about "not giving him a sibling", which I know I can't do anything about anyways) after school. We do have lots of play dates and fun things to including Beavers and swimming, but I also just want to stay home and play there. If relevant, DS is also suspected to have mild ADHD.

I have an older sibling but didn't have much interaction with them when I was a child, I loved to just hang around the house after school. AIBU to think that my child can't always expect me to provide tons of entertainment after school and that gardening together etc is also a valid form of spending after school time?

Lots of kids just do prefer playing and being entertained by other kids, learning downtime comes later. For what its worth OP I think you’re in the tricky spot right now where he is old enough to be bored and want to play but too young to do those things himself. In a few years time he can be making his own afternoon park/football/playing out plans and it won’t feel like your responsibility to entertain him so much!

Huh? Have you read my posts? I don't understand what you mean

Are you trying to get him to entertain himself so you can get a break (fine, btw!) or because you want him to learn to entertain himself?

If it's the first, I would consider some after school club or TV time

If it's the latter - I think you need to bear in mind that everyone including children are different. If your child is an energetic extrovert they may never enjoy pottering around gardening. It doesn't mean they can't entertain themselves at all but your OP sounds a bit like "I used to enjoy this, how can I get him to?!" And the truth is he may never be "yay thanks mummy can we have more quiet gardening time?"

Things we do at home with our 7 year old fwiw:

Board games/card games
Lego
Badminton
Football
Crafts
Making birthday cards
Cooking - mine enjoy this a lot more than baking

Yes, do you not remember what you asked us?

"AIBU to think that my child can't always expect me to provide tons of entertainment after school and that gardening together etc is also a valid form of spending after school time?"

OP your DS will need a fair bit of practice to be able to entertain himself. Admittedly, I have 2, but the reason they can entertain themselves (separately as well as together) at home after school and at the weekends is because we don't constantly provide clubs/activities/trips etc. You have to push through the 'I'm bored' phase.

Think about activities he can do near you but not necessarily with you. So if you want an afternoon gardening, can he be digging for bugs and creating a bug house? This way you can be chatting to him but he's also learning to play a bit more independently.

My children definitely had at least 2 evenings a week where they had nothing planned . They wouldn’t necessarily play together but just chill ,watching TV,Pokémon cards ,books ,messing about in the garden etc . They were fine and phones ,tablets were not on the radar. This was late 1990s early 00s

Stick the TV on or give him things like Lego, colouring or whatever or he can go and play in the garden, he's 7 so you don't need to have eyes on him all the time. And no, you absolutely do not have to entertain him every minute, he needs to learn to entertain himself.

my daughter needs alone time and downtime. My son does not. He would run around and do things and be with friends 24 hours a day. So if you have 3 play dates and a couple hours of activities a week, that’s still a lot of extra time to manage.

My son now does taekwando 2-3 times a week, athletics 1x, after school club a couple days and 2-3 play dates a week. Plus plays out with neighbours most days in between. He needs a ‘lot’ of active play and socialising and the rest of us don’t so it was an adjustment!

If team sports don’t work and he’s bored with pottering then I’d try other things - dance or gymnastics or trampolining or martial arts or drama… loads of non team options.

I think it’s not a case of being an only child, so please let go of that guilt. It’s just different personalities needing different things. I have 3 children - 1 enjoyed doing clubs related to her interest but was otherwise happy at home, 1 a real home body (like me!), and 1 loved having a go at everything and anything and thrived being busy. I see the same pattern in them now they are adults. I always say me and the one who’s a home body like me could live perfectly happy side by side, chilling and enjoying puttering around, the other 2 just have a bigger need to be active!
For my one who loved to be active I just needed to organise things for them most days after school (and weeks in the holidays). I don’t think it was about them not being able to occupy themselves or not being allowed to be bored. They just have different needs and that’s ok.

I’m not being sarcastic, but what about letting him hoover up. If you like baking what about whisking egg whites to make meringue. Especially fun with an old fashioned hand whisk.
Do your village have a wild life area, where you can walk he can run and collect items you say, then bring home and he make a jar or collage.

Let him be bored, kids need to learn how to
entertain themselves, it’s a good thing to learn.
Does he like Lego? My DS does and we have lots of it and even now at age 15 he gets a box out and builds something random.

It’s nothing to do with being an only child and everything to do with parenting and personality. I was an only child and my son is an only child. He loves energetic activities like cycling and swimming, and he loves having friends round to play with. But equally he is happy doing not much of anything at home, just pottering and building Lego or playing with his toys and reading books. We value downtime and everyone getting their own space and peace and quiet so it’s not acceptable to us for our child to demand constant attention from us. He has learnt to occupy himself and grown to enjoy that balance of socialising and being on his own.

This still involves the OP doing things with him.

I disagree with your premise that more severe adhd = badly behaved and at risk of getting kicked out of school. My child is very well behaved bless him but has quite a significant level of struggle due to adhd. He wouldn't chuck chairs around but he would struggle to process more than one verbal instruction at a time, for example.
I'm tired of adhd being associated with bad behaviour as if that's the criteria for diagnosis.

He’s been contained at school all day and wants to come out and run, play, be loud and play with his mates. I think it’s especially hard for boys with adhd. Dh coaches football and has four boys with adhd on his team. He says sometimes they get there practically fizzing and he has to do a match or lots of running to try and take the energy levels done a notch or two before he can actually coach.

IMO 7 is not too young to play outside with friends. I think it's far preferable to a constant series of organised activities TBH. Children need to learn how to play independently and in groups. Too much supervision is actually detrimental to their development. I'm not suggesting that young children should roam miles away from home, of course. But the tight control that is imposed on too many children these days can result in young people who lack some crucial skills.

I know it's not high physical energy, but might he be interested in coding? There are simple platforms suitable for 7 year old, and it is something he could do on his own, or with minimal supervision. It can be really creative, creating simple games etc.

Ive got 3 DC. 2 of them were never able to entertain themselves (they are also the 2 that have ADHD). My other DC was able to entertain herself for hours (she doesnt have ADHD). I dont know if it is a coincidence about the ADHD but all 3 of mine went to ASC a few days a week & it did them a world of good. They all loved playing for another hour or so with more kids after school, going on the activity trail etc. They certainly all. had more energy than me & although I loved just coming home to chill after school, that never worked for them.

I now wfh & could pick up DC3 much earlier but I choose to leave him in ASC so it helps him burn off all his excess energy so when he does come home he is much happier to chill. None of my DC have ever been physically tired from school - mentally yes but not physically. They all spent so long sitting down that they need to run around ALOT once they get to the end of the school day.

You have to parent he child you have, not the child you want. If you son needs more stimulation see if you can give that to him. Personally I would look to put him into ASC for a day or 2 a week & see if that helps.

Yanbu, he doesn’t need constant entertainment. But he’d prefer a trampoline to gardening….

For what it’s worth, my two were like these even though they each had a brother and a small age gap. I just had two of them moaning that they were bored and flopping around on the floor etc.

They always preferred play dates, swimming, trips etc to their sibling.

If he has ADHD then you are being very U. My ADHD DS needs constant mental or physical stimulation and is unable to entertain himself (as am I, also ADHD). My DS has sports clubs 5 days per week and casual sports the other days.

Some kids are just more social than others, it sounds like your son is one of them! If you're doing plenty of playdates and after school activities, then I think you're just going to have to explain to him that sometimes you just want a quiet afternoon/evening at home, and ask him to suggest activities he'd like to do at home - maybe visit Hobbycraft and get some crafty activities, do some baking, board games, building/lego kits?

With my kids (9 and 5) i find that the more stimulation they get, the more they seek and they can get themselves quite wound up to the point where they’re overly intense during quiet moments at home and constantly asking for things. This sort of peaks at the start of holidays but after a few days they settle down and get used to a slower routine and find ways to amuse themselves. You'd think the more they have going on the more chilled and quiet they would be when they get a break but it doesn’t seem to work like that.

Anyway my point is you might not have to do more. Try doing less and he will eventually adapt. Getting him involved in gardening and baking and things round the home is brilliant quality time and he’s learning life skills. Plus spending time in nature is as im sure you know really helpful for regulating ADHD. You’re doing a great job.

Thank you, as I said up thread though he has a huge trampoline already and loves it