AIBU to expect quieter after-school time for my only child?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

I'm a proud mum of one and count myself very lucky to have my DS. I'd have loved a bigger family but due to significant primary and then secondary infertility we'll be a one child family. I have largely made peace with this, and I am in the fortunate position to work school hours from home and being able to spend lots of quality time with him. Here's the thing- my son is constantly seeking adventure (he's 7) and wants entertainment and other kids to play with (which really doesn't help my feelings of guilt about "not giving him a sibling", which I know I can't do anything about anyways) after school. We do have lots of play dates and fun things to including Beavers and swimming, but I also just want to stay home and play there. If relevant, DS is also suspected to have mild ADHD.

I have an older sibling but didn't have much interaction with them when I was a child, I loved to just hang around the house after school. AIBU to think that my child can't always expect me to provide tons of entertainment after school and that gardening together etc is also a valid form of spending after school time?

What you are doing sounds perfect. Children should be left to entertain themselves from time to time.

I know a handful of families with only children and there is one where the parents were always actively entertaining him when he was little and he is quite annoying now at 10 in that he always tries to have us play with him (or answer questions, or watch him perform, etc) whenever we visit his parents. I’m happy to interact with my friends DC, I enjoy it even, but after some time I’d like to have a conversation with the parents.

I think that rather than try and force him to have quiet time you should let him have an outlet for all the pent up energy he has. Maybe do Pokemon Go together, or let him go to ASC once or twice a week. If he does have ADHD then he might just need that, even if you think what he needs is quiet time. I know everyone says they need to learn to be bored etc. but if he isn't NT then it might not be the best for him.

How many after school type clubs does he do? As he gets older I'd be looking at increasing these and get him into various sports. This will give him the activity and social connections he needs and it's less and hoc than playdates so he knows he's getting out and about each day. Adhd DD needs an awful lot of physical activity, much more than most kids her age, and is much happier to be content at home once she's had some. She actively dislikes the nights she isn't out at a sport.

It sounds like the balance isn't right for him so I would sign him up to lots of sports clubs in the evening. I did that with DS, he then dropped a couple and we now have a balance of clubs and time at home that suits him.

Op I have a theory on this !

I really think parents think school is more social and fun than it actually is.

Unfortunately from about Year 1 onwards - school is painfully formal, far too sedentary and involves a lot of being told what to do by adults.

my son - who is noww 14 so this is not my issue anymore! - would be bouncing off the walls after school at your sons age. They are craving social and play time.

I think you need to listen to what he is telling you - put him in school after school club? or arrange some parenting swaps.?

I think a lot of kids are just desperate to burn off energy after school

do you know how short school breaktimes are?

They get about 15 mins at break then lunch can be 45 mins or less with eating included

Different kids are, well, different. I had a message from a friend politely declining a cinema visit as she ‘wanted a chilled weekend.’ There is no way I can have a chilled weekend with my children around. No way!

Thank you to the ones saying about sports teams. I am trying to get him interested in team sports, unfortunately so far he is not interested but I agree this would be ideal. Maybe it's still to come!

He's a good age to start a team sport like football or rugby, you could look into that for next term. I do think some youngsters need to be active every day after school, even if it's just a quick trip to the playground and then home for downtime.

Sorry OP - cross posted about the team sports.

How old are you? This doesn’t happen nowadays.

If not team sports what about martial arts.

Discipline, focus, burns up energy and is with other children even if you’re not interacting with them most of the time. You can sit and read a book in peace while he burns off that built
up energy.

Then at home get an inflatable kick bag he can practice with while you get on with bumbling around the garden or whatever else with the odd encouraging “your doing great hunny” “wow super kick” 😅

If your child would prefer to play with friends after school every day then if you are able to facilitate this then I would.
if you are on your own together can you let him lead the play and just take your lead from him and play together? Do you play ball/football/chase games etc?
I think if you have an only child you do need to step into the playmate role yourself. Sometimes this can be really fun as a parent, other times it feels boring or a PITA!

You’re doing a great job. I have one and he always wanted me to play with him when other children not around. He was fine for it to just be us but we did go to park a lot and he spent a lot of time with friends. I agree he can’t expect non stop entertainment

Back in the 50s, 50s, 70s parents rarely provided full on entertainment for their children and we were left to our own devices. Much of the time we were told to "go out and play" because adults did not want children under their feet. There were no curated play dates or sleep overs. When the weather was bad we were expected to play quietly on our own so we learned the skill of amusing ourselves. If I had gone to my mother and said I was bored she would have found me some household job to do to keep my busy. I can never remember baking or gardening with my mother. I do vividly recall sewing, knitting or reading with my grandmother.

That's a great suggestion I think! I might get him into a taster come the new school year! And yes to inflatable kick back, he'll love that orders one as we speak 😂

If its any consolation I have 4 children and one of them always wanted to play with me rather than his siblings, and rarely left me alone.

I think it's absolutely fine for kids to be bored now and then.
I'm sure he has plenty he could choose to do at home right? Books, TV, games, toys, trampoline etc...

I think i would start saying something like 'DS, I'm doing X job in the garden for 30 minutes. You can help me if you like. Otherwise you'll need to find something to do while I'm busy'

Keep expectations clear, but don't feel you have to constantly entertain him

They sometimes need a nudge, maybe don't tell him too much beforehand, just take him and let him try. First lesson/training is generally free. My only child DS was quite nervous when I took him to rugby for the first time aged about 5. I had to join him and hold his hand for the warm-up. Now, 6 years later, it's his favourite thing in the World.

Over the years he's done cubs, cadets, football, cricket, tennis, rugby, boxing, jiu-jitsu ... probably more that I have forgotten.

He's stuck with a couple of them.

Are you sure you are definitely remembering yourself at 7, not older?

In fairness, that's a good point, I may well have been older!

I'm into my mid 60's now, two adult DC, I've never beleived in DC being on the go with activities outside of the home all of the time and am a believer in DC having a bit of "mum I'm bored" time, it helps them find things to do and use their own imagination.

I’d just ask if he wants to go to afterschool club, if his school has one. Maybe he’d prefer it to being home at least a couple of days a week?

Playdates, swimming, trampolining, Beavers etc.

Sorry, but is your AIBU question actually a genuine one??

Do you hand on heart think your child should never learn to entertain himself?

My son is a go go go person and even he could entertain himself, though he was much more demanding than his sister (they dud not play together). He did need a lot of outside stimulation. Mind you his school was 8.30-4.30 so already a long day, and with homework and dinner and bath there really wasn’t much time to fit anything in other than maybe half an hour of TV . But weekends he had to do some activity and gardening would not cut it!

Truthfully, you may just have a child who doesn't 'do' down time.
My youngest was like this, an absolute bundle of energy who was only interested in constantly being on the go. He did settle once he became a teenager.

Could he have an area of the garden for himself? Give him some safe tools, seed and let him go wild. I think this could progress to some (supervised) making things with hammer and nails in his corner of the garden etc.