To find my elderly relative’s attitude to money very wearing

[definitelybothered]

I help an elderly relative (late 80s) with various admin tasks, paying bills, ordering shopping, etc. It can be time consuming but she is virtually blind and can no longer do this herself.

But I find it really hard to bite my tongue as she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough money, can’t afford to put the heating on in the winter and is one of those people who says young people today have more money than she ever did but they spend it all on holidays, coffee and concerts etc. She honestly believes it was harder financially in her day and young people today are just spoilt.

When I try and disagree with her she shouts me down. But what really irritates is she pleads poverty but it’s rubbish, she has an income of £4.5k every month (after tax) and barely spends a grand of it. She has an eye watering amount in savings too. Her latest grumble is she doesn’t think she should be in the higher tax band (she’s just been taxed 40% on something) but I said she must be based on the maths but she won’t listen.

Yeah, it’s annoying.

My elderly relative does this ALL THE TIME and has damaged quite a few relationships because of it.

My MIL is similar. Has an income of over £10k a month from rentals, plus pension, plus late FIL's pension, plus tons of money in the Bank. She won't even treat us to the odd meal out, it's always 50/50 or we pay. BIL is in dodgeville on the bones of his arse and gets no help with money. That said, she's VERY happy to spoil herself to the best of everything, including meals out that cost £500 for 2, and business class flights to far flung destinations.

Does she know how much money she has coming in and actively manage it?

it’s really sad to hear old people are scared to put the heating on and suffer in cold needlessly bus she all with it. Not spending and controlling outgoings to an extreme are linked with dementia. But if she’s all with it can you sit down with a notebook and pen and try to do a weekly (weekly might be easier than monthly) budget with her? Including printing martin Lewis articles on what portion of income can be spent on heating and bills etc?

if not I’d get a few responses up my sleeve take a deep breathe and just cycle through your preprepared responses. I’m happy to help you budget if you want. Yes some people are much better off but I’m sure some are worse off as well. At least it’s not raining today.

My neighbours both ex NHS have this sort of income they bang the excess in ISAs. Neighbours the other side one retired teacher, other government job do the same. Both bringing in £60k plus. It'll either go on a good nursing home or be inherited they said.

Gosh old people really can grind you down with their views and opinions

I would try to bite your tongue- agree and nod

I had a relative who wouldn’t put the heating on - well he did to 16 degrees - he had plenty money!

Houses were around three times salary whereas now my son’s flat was around ten times his salary

Seems odd. My son has just bought his first flat. He earns £45k, and the flat was £172k, so that's 3.8 times his salary. Payments are £820 a month, whereas to rent a similar flat would be £1200pm, so he's quids in.

How do you know how much neighbours "bring in"?

Baffling how people know the pensions of neighbours. I mean relatives I can understand if they divulge the information but neighbours??

How do you know your neighbours income and do they know you know?

My mother’s neighbour is like this (90.) Has a 6 figure amount in savings (good for her) and next to no outgoings, but begrudges paying for anything, doesn’t do a thing for herself and is shameless at ringing people to do things straightaway for her (for free) and then slags people off behind their back for what they’ve done (out of their kindness). She has no sense of what is urgency and what can wait, treats my mother like a hired help (she isn’t - she helps out of kindness and because this woman has no one) and never ever says thank you or lifts a finger to help herself.
You have my sympathy because it only gets worse.

Again - how do you know your mum's neighbor's savings?

You’d be surprised how much these ancient pensions increase by. My FIL was a mid ranking police officer for 30 years in a county constabulary, he retired 25 years ago and his current pension is just under £2k a month net. He also receives £1,190 a month state pension, both are index linked/triple lock. My MIL only ever worked part time once the children had left school, she has around £500 NHS pension and an additional £600 state pension.

They have also accrued hundreds of thousands in savings, non of which they’ll spend. They are so much better off than my generation, and our children’s generation who are in their 30’s can only dream of such wealth at retirement.

My late MIL who died in her 90s, couldn’t believe how much things cost. We used to do her shopping and told her at her request how much each item cost (often telling her it was a quarter of what we’d paid). She would exclaim, “HOW much??” incredulously and we would solemnly take a small amount of change from her purse to pay for groceries that were often ten times that amount.

I'm nearly 65 and I agree with this. Pensioners who genuinely are on low incomes need to be encouraged to apply for Pension Credit, but a great many pensioners are doing just fine and really shouldn't be the top priority for welfare. I'd rather the money went on providing health and social care and support for families with caring responsibilities. Also, we could do a lot to improve social mobility if we extended the scope of inheritance tax a bit. When my husband and I are gone our children could inherit up to £1m if it includes our house with no tax to pay. That is insanely generous. We live in a London house that cost peanuts decades ago and have done nothing whatsoever to earn what it's now valued at. Of course there should be what would effectively be a windfall tax to recoup some of this for public spending.

Because she has told her. My point is she could pay for services and is not struggling but puts on my mother to help. What’s yours?

So we have one person who knows both neighbours income and now we have one that knows their "MOTHER'S" neighbours income and
savings?

What’s your point?
she has told my mother about her savings. I don’t know her income (didn’t say I did.)
my mother has intimated the ballpark to me when she has been at her wits end because the woman calls her sometimes 6 or 7 times a day for help. Instead of paying for carers.
I got involved because at one point I contacted social services because of the impact on my parent who is filling a gap and stressed out.
It’s entitled to lean on someone to breaking point when she has the means to help herself comfortably.

Next time she says that just reply that her pension is the equivalent of someone on £80k. Also someone earning £30k today has the same standard of living as someone on £17.5k in 1996.

But I wouldn’t bother, you won’t change her mind. Just ignore her as best as you can.

How does he manage to get above the full state pension which is £1045 per month?

She's old. Have some patience.

I do, indeed. How? I just remind them that while I’m happy to assist I won’t be silenced and shouted down for politely responding to an opinion that has been voiced. I am an equal and not a submissive servant, if they can voice a strong opinion I’m entitled to respond.

Growing old is undoubtedly scary however understanding and empathy has it’s limits. I’m not obliged to give up my personal time to accept anything they want to throw. Does it sound selfish? Maybe? Do I care? No.
It’s not about “Err they’re annoying”. You sound childish. You wake up.

I agree with all of this. Today we have access to overdrafts. / credit cards / buy now pay later / cheaper flights etc
Your relative will likely not understand any of that. All she will see is new house , new cars, foreign holidays and take away coffee.
Yes we're in a cost of living crisis but a visit to my city centre in Saturday afternoon into evening would appear to suggest otherwise. In her day if you couldn't afford it you didn't have it. It was that simple. Not spending much in case it runs out will be ingrained in her

she's 90! What do you think you'll be like when you're 90?

A lot of older people have this SERPS thing added. Sorry i don't really understand it but my dad gets it and gets around £1400 a month state pension. I have seen some pensioners get up to £1600 a month state pension due to SERPS.

Could you please spell out what you think 'access to every benefit under the sun' is in terms of very elderly people, please? My Mum is 93, very frail and now unable to live independently. She benefits from free prescriptions but as she lives in Scotland I believe everybody does there. She did have the huge benefit of free personal and social care while she was able to live at home but she is now in a nursing home and is getting no help from the state at all beyond Attendance Allowance. She gets the same help from the NHS as everybody else. She gets no Pension Credit because she isn't on a low enough income and she and Dad had some savings. Seems about right to me.