To find my elderly relative’s attitude to money very wearing

[definitelybothered]

I help an elderly relative (late 80s) with various admin tasks, paying bills, ordering shopping, etc. It can be time consuming but she is virtually blind and can no longer do this herself.

But I find it really hard to bite my tongue as she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough money, can’t afford to put the heating on in the winter and is one of those people who says young people today have more money than she ever did but they spend it all on holidays, coffee and concerts etc. She honestly believes it was harder financially in her day and young people today are just spoilt.

When I try and disagree with her she shouts me down. But what really irritates is she pleads poverty but it’s rubbish, she has an income of £4.5k every month (after tax) and barely spends a grand of it. She has an eye watering amount in savings too. Her latest grumble is she doesn’t think she should be in the higher tax band (she’s just been taxed 40% on something) but I said she must be based on the maths but she won’t listen.

That's an insane amount if income to be saying she's poor! AI says a working person would have to earn £75k per yeat to take home that month.
Thats SO MUCH MONEY especially when she presumably doesnt have to pay rent or mortgage, no childcare.
Tell her ti pay someone to do her paperwork and back away if she's like this with you. God. Im annoyed FOR you

Ah right, ok.

It’s not odd, it very much depends on where you live. In my county (south west) the average salary is around £30/35k and you can buy a two bedroom house or flat for £180-£200k. Where my daughter lives (Surrey) the average salary would be around £40/50k and a two bedroom house or flat would be between £400 and £500k.

It was a scheme which was eventually phased out because I assume it was too expensive. Stands for State Earnings Related Pension Scheme. You paid more NIC to qualify for it, I think. If you were in an occupational pension scheme you were contracted out of SERPS because you couldn't have both. They were both far more generous than modern pension schemes because they date from a time when people weren't expected to live for more than a few years after retirement.

I've also got a relative like this. Lots of savings, and income but won't heat their house.

I think they've pissed people off by grumbling about the end of winter fuel payment for all...

Some ppl actually enjoy not spending IMO.

My dad seems to have SERPS and an occupational pension although comes out with barely any occupational pension by the time he's been taxed.

Just googled it! Thank you.

Some of the posts on here do not want to understand.
But I am sure they will be happy to inherit any money.

some of these responses are ridiculous and wilfully obtuse.
My parent has helped out of the kindness of her heart for decades - decades. Doing her gardens, putting bins out, getting shopping. And she’s put up with being called 7, 8 times a day. EVERY DAY for years. My mother is now 80 herself and is at her wits end with the constant pressure and demands from someone who is not Gaga and who wants attention and for someone else to do everything for her, for free. (And no my mother doesn’t want her money or to be paid - she wants to not be on demand 24/7.)
Ive known this neighbour my whole life and this isn’t being 90: it’s her personality. That has not improved with age.

I have no idea, he’s 91, I wondered the same when I saw the monthly credit into his savings account. It just sits there growing year on year , he hasn’t spent any of it in the past eight or so years.

I don’t agree. The reason she has money is simple: she saved. That’s it. For older generations, having financial security in retirement actually mattered. The idea of living paycheque to paycheque has become normal now, but it’s a relatively recent cultural shift.

People also ignore how much more we spend today on things that didn’t even exist 50–80 years ago. Internet bills, phone contracts, constant takeaways, Starbucks, subscriptions, and multiple holidays a year are treated as “normal” expenses now. In the past, these things either didn’t exist or were rare luxuries.

Even basic spending habits were different. People didn’t eat out all the time, didn’t upgrade phones every couple of years, and when they bought something, it was expected to last. Now we’re surrounded by cheap, disposable products that need replacing constantly.

People today simply don’t realise how inflated modern “normal living costs” have become, because spending has been completely redefined.

Some people, particularly the elderly and those with chronic medical problems, can get very anxious amd fixate on things. They worry. They don't always have a lot to occupy their time so they worry and sometimes complain. Not all, I'm not being ageist jut this type of behaviour is common.

Try to understand that and be less ciritcal.

Let her moan, let her have a vent. Yes her money worries are nothing but this type of behaviour will have been learnt over her lifetime.

Jusy change the subject if it gets too much.

Does she know you don't seem to like her very much, have you discussed her seeking help through another relative or a professional organisation?

I used to clean for an old lady like this.She didn’t want a cleaner as she said she couldn’t afford it but her bungalow was filthy and her nephew insisted.He told me when she died she had £250,00 in savings,the bungalow to be sold,a few pensions but she was too mean to spend more than the bare minimum.It all went to her brother who lived in Canada and was himself over 90 and in the same situation as her

It would be nice to think that people go on having basic manners and noticing what's being done for them. My Mum does. She is 93. Having said that, it's noticeable that since my Dad died and her health has failed, she has become much less able to see things from anyone else's point of view. A lot of it has to do with all-consuming anxiety, from which she has suffered all her life, sadly. She came of a generation that regarded this as a personality trait and not something to bother the doctor with, so it's only very recently that she's had any medication to help with it.

It's also undoubtedly true that many very elderly people can't understand complex things the way they did when younger and coping with work and family responsibilities. I've certainly seen this with Mum. She was able to do the basic stuff around the house until her health got worse, but she couldn't get on top of managing her money at all. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't been able to take over that side of things for her (fortunately she had power of attorney already set up). She doesn't have dementia and is as sharp as a tack in many ways, but she has utterly lost the ability to keep up with prices and incomes. She is constantly stunned at what people spend but she also hasn't a clue what they earn and how it translates into spending power.

Some of today’s pensioners are really out of touch. They have no idea how difficult it could be for the generation now that are under 40, who may never be able to pay enough into their pensions for a comfortable retirement. It is staggering how many of them don’t understand that the wonderful final salary pensions just aren’t available anymore and housing costs are so high that many young people can’t afford to pay extra into their pensions for the future.

edited to add, I do think it is sad how many of them also genuinely don’t realise they can spend money on making their lives more comfortable and enjoyable. I always tell my mum to spend it before she is gone, better to run out and then just live modestly, than to have a couple of hundred thousand just sat there to pass onto me and my sibling.

Yes SERPs finished in 2002. You paid more into your state pension basically. So it was the person making the additional payments.

It’s really hard OP. Recently lost an older relative who would complain a lot about certain things. The family member who did the bulk of their support would get into verbal arguments with them. I used to take a nod and smile approach and agree with them, but at the same time gently letting them know what was in place. So difficult x

There's some truth in what you say, but you're not allowing for the extremely generous pensions many older people have nor for the effects of inheritance. House price inflation has been allowed to get totally out of control.

I don't know why you're engaging with it, just give her the "yes I know what you mean" and move on.

Yes, I think people forget that retired people actually pay tax!

Young people have access to more debt than she did, they are not wealthy, they are just slaves to the banks and tech companies which is quite sad really. If she is late 80"s she was already nearly 60 when super cheap flights took off, she is from a different time and place and is correct to an extent, if my Grandparents had seen flights to the South of France for 50 quid and being able to get six credit cards from quick online applications (early 2000"s) they would literally have fainted. If she was born in the 1930"s and grew up in the 40"s and 50"s is anyone seriously going to argue that there isn"t a much more comfortable financial cushion under most folk now than then, even if a lot of it is based on debt?

"House price inflation has been allowed to get totally out of control"

Yes, but if no one can buy your house it doesn"t help you much, it isn"t like money in the bank.

I agree about house prices, but let’s be honest about what’s driving it. It’s the shift in mindset towards instant gratification over patience and saving. People are stretching themselves to the absolute limit: maxing out mortgages and living paycheque to paycheque just to get into a house they can barely afford.

That simply wasn’t the norm before. People saved first, then bought within their means, and took on mortgages that were actually sustainable instead of gambling on future earnings.

And no, I’m not judging either: I’ve done it myself. I wanted my dream house and got it in my 30s. My parents only got theirs in their late 50s. The difference is patience and expectations.

Now the reality is that as long as people are willing to overextend themselves, prices will keep getting pushed up. It’s basic demand; if buyers accept unsustainable borrowing as normal, the market will happily accommodate it.

Well, she is correct that most of us live a life that would be considered a very rich way of life 100 years ago and further back.

Not pleasant to be rubbed this under your nose constantly though.

Yes and talk about the weather, or a tv programme or anything.