To want to start the day with a tidy house???

[GahGahGahGah]

DP and I have a two year old who hates bedtimes. I do about 90% of them. It usually lasts from 7pm to 9pm. DP uses that time to go on his phone and watch films. He gets up at 6am and leaves at 7am, which is when we get up.

It means I either have to tidy up after 9pm, when I would like to relax too, or more commonly first thing in the morning, when I am getting ready for work and getting DC ready for nursery.

AIBU to be pissed off about this, daily??

Your DH needs to pull his weight. Why is your bedtime routine taking 2 hours?

I wouldn’t be standing for this, totally unfair on you! Me &DH alternate doing bedtimes, and the one who isn’t doing the bedtime routine clears up after dinner and tidies up toys, runs vacuum around etc.

That includes bath, teeth, cutting toenails, stories etc. I think she needs to drop her nap soon. She just won’t go to sleep.

Your DP sounds very unattractive. Imagine spending 2 hours relaxing instead of doing some cleaning. It must be like having a toddler and a teenager. I wouldn't even want to shag him.

I don’t!!

Understandable. Ask yourself what the point of him is. Sounds like you're doing everything already.

He sounds like a lazy teenager rather than fully grown adult and parent. Extremely unattractive. I can’t believe he just ignores the whole 2 hour bedtime routine you’re undertaking upstairs and casually watches films! Put him in the bin.

He’s not completely useless and does pull his weight most of the time. But this means I’m starting almost every working day irritated by him.

I work from home and don’t want to spend the day surrounded by mess, so leaving it isn’t really an option.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. If one's doing bedtime, the other gets the house in some kind of order. That's just fair. It doesn't mean two hours of housework. Just making it nice and calm for when the other person needs to relax, and everything's ready for the next day.

All I'd say in his defence is that everyone draws the 'tidy' line in a different place. In later life, I realised I was pretty untidy by a lot of my friends and relatives standards. I was embarrassed to realise this. I thought they were just being fussy and didn't really mean it! I genuinely didn't mind or even notice if there was stuff waiting to be put away, or a few crumbs waiting to be wiped on a work surface etc. It was only when I was in my 50s and a later partner really drew my attention to it that the penny dropped.

So have a calm conversation with DH, and tell him what the household needs. Because a calm house is not just for your benefit. It's better for kids and marriages. (See 'later partner' above...!)

If he's anything like me, he'll need you to spell out the basics. Put the toys away - helps if there aren't dozens out in the first place of course. Straighten out the sofa / throw / cushions. Deal with any mugs and plates that have accumulated. Maybe run the hoover round. Whatever it is that makes the place comfortable. It has to be a routine. Even the sound of the hoover can help DC understand it's bedtime / end of the day now and provide a kind of comfort. .

It won't just be one conversation with DH and probably won't be easy. It's a long game to change someone's expectations, what he grew up with, etc. You might be accused of nagging. Bringing it back to my experience, I'm quite chill but I did still resent being told what to do like a child.

But keep at it, and keep the focus on it being about making a calm setting for the family. Not blaming him, or him accusing you of being a neat freak or whatever . It's for everyone's benefit, most of all DC's.

I would tell him the current set up is not working for you as have no evening left to relax so something needs to change Give him 3 choices, bath time, teeth & story time, or tidy-up and he has to do 1 of those consistently every night.

Have you had a conversation with him about this? For instance DH usually sqeegies the shower while I do tea last night he asked if I’d sqeegie, my response of course my love if you could put tea on? He decided to stick with the squeegeeing!!

YANBU. My husband puts our toddlers to bed while I clean up downstairs, sort washing out etc. then we both get to sit down at a similar time.

YANBU. We also have a 2 year old and alternate bedtimes. Whoever’s not doing bedtime does the dishes, tidies round, any other jobs that need doing. If either of us have had a particularly hard day we might swap, or the non-bedtime person just have a break if they need it and the other pick up the slack afterwards, but it’s a conversation and agreement. not an expectation.

Why aren’t you both tidying up together before the bedtime routine?
One person washes up/wipes around, the other puts toys away and vacuums. Takes 15 minutes and that’s it, done.

2 hours is also a ridiculous amount of time doing a bedtime routine, my children are 5 & 7, bedtime for both of them takes no longer than 20 minutes

Make him do bedtime, then you can tidy and sit on your phone once you're done.

Are you both working similar hours?

We have a little boy (2 years, 5 months). Partner gets in from work at 6.30pm and we do everything together or tag team from that point onwards. DP will do bath after dinner and I’ll tidy the kitchen, then I’ll sit and read stories with our little boy while he tidies up the toys. We take him up to bed together, say good night around 8.30pm and then do a final sweep of the house before we both sit down.

There is no way I’d be ok with him sitting down for two hours while I did everything. I’ve got friends that alternate each night between bedtime and chores but my DP wants to spend the evening with our son so it’s worked for us to do it this way.

If he can’t/wont provide one iota of help with bedtime he needs to at least do some tidying before he goes to bed. This is unacceptable.

Oof! That drives me bonkers too. I have found that when the house needs sorting, I tend to offer my DP a choice:
A) Do bath, teeth, stories, bed with our little one
B) Wash up and reset the living room

I do this because I know the temptation to flop down with his phone will 9/10 times win out if I don't expressly set the tasks out. If it was just him and DD, he'd figure it out but when I'm here too...🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't mind the phone flop if he'd do the cleaning up afterwards, but once he stops for the day, that's kind of it (tbf, I'm the same. I have to keep going until chores are finished because once I sit down it is game over)

Give him a choice: take over bedtime from you or tidy up!

2 hours is a long time to be doing bedtime. How long does she nap for and when? Either drop the nap or accept she's going to bed at 9 for the time being and just start later. Then you can all tidy up together 😀

If bedtime regularly takes until 9pm then I would stop trying to put him down at 7 particularly if you don’t have time to tidy up in the evening.
Sitting in a room with a child for an hour does seem like the easier option then being the one expected to clean the house every night. Why don’t you alternate and each tidy?

I wouldn’t be spelling out the tasks and asking him to choose which he wants to do. That way madness lies. I’d ask him what he thinks about the balance of household/parenting chores between you. And then really listen to his ideas about how to solve the current mismatch. Reflect back to him the solutions he suggests in order to evaluate them for fairness.

People only really buy in to solutions which they have worked out for themselves.

I agree 2 hours bedtime is ridiculous. Twenty minutes to an hour at the very most. No wonder you are fed up.

You need to make this 30 minutes mate

He needs to either tidy up or do bedtime.

I do also agree with pp that maybe you need to either drop the nap or start bedtime later.