Should friend reimburse me?

[101pongo]

fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable here but a few friends have disagreed so I’d like opinions!

a few months ago a friend asked if I’d like to attend an event with them at the other end of the country to where we live (think comic con type thing). I said I’d be interested in principle but dependant on cost. Friend then went ahead and booked tickets amounting to £150 each!!

I realise now that I should’ve at that stage said I didn’t agree to that price and I couldn’t go. However, I’m such a people pleaser that I just said fine whatever and paid for it. FWIW I’m on minimum wage so it’s a lot of money to me.

as times gone on I’ve just felt more and more like I don’t even want to go at all. I’ve seen who’s attending the event and they’re not really for me, plus I’d have to use my very limited annual leave to go which I don’t want to do either.

i messaged friend basically saying things are tight (not a lie) and that I can’t justify the time needed off work to go. The event is about 6 weeks away so I figured I have to say something now otherwise it’s too late as we’ll need to sort travel etc soon.

she replied and said she didn’t want the hassle of asking anyone else to go now so could I just go? I said not really please could she at least look into finding a replacement. After much back and forth on this she asked another friend who said she would go.

my Aibu is that she has said the friend will go with her but hasn’t said anything about actually buying the ticket. Her exact message was basically “x said she can go so all sorted”.

now part of me thinks i’ll just leave it bc the relief of not paying for travel and hotel or wasting holiday etc is worth it. However another friend said this isn’t fair and the friend who’s now going should absolutely buy the ticket. My issue is that my friend is very fickle and will likely fall out with me over this if I push too much.

should I ask for the money back? Or should I just be glad I’m not having to go?

Not true, I may not message! I’m just wondering what I would even say if i did!

I totally see this which is why I’m unsure. Honestly if friend has said “x will come but can only afford travel” then I’d have said fine and just been glad I didn’t have the extra costs to go.

I could use the money back, but not having extra expense is the main thing. I’m leaning towards chalking it up to to experience and losing the ticket price and knowing that next time I need to be more assertive in the first place

I had a similarish situation. Friend dropped out of an event the day of due to illness, we had bought the tickets months before. I found another friend at short notice. She then messaged me and asked me for the cost of her ticket! I think if you drop out of something at short notice you shouldn't expect to get that money back however £150 is a lot. I've had this with gigs and shows where the cost was about £15 to £30 ticket and the people who dropped out usually due to illness and they have always said "hope you can find someone else to go, obvs don't worry about the money" I think this is the right thing to do.

I think you have to view reimbursement as a bonus, not a right. Your friend might have asked her other friend to go to keep her company as a favour. You've compared the event to comic con, so I'm guessing it's at least moderately niche.

I don’t think you should be asking for / expecting the money back

it sounds like the sort of thing that your friend wouldn’t want to go to on her own (plus cost of not being able to share hotel etc), so if she didn’t find someone to go with her then she would also be out of pocket plus not in a position to attend an event she was very keen to go to. Finding someone to take a ticket for free is obviously much easier than finding a friend willing to pay full price (but wasn’t already going)

I gave her the money btw but it's really changed how I see her, she's not hard up at all and I now just think she's mean.

I think you should try and get some money yes. But the thing is you can't ask the person now going directly as you don't know them. So even if you ask your friend she might just not even try and claim the other one said they were broke.

If I was the one going I would pay if asked. But if it was framed as going spare and her doing your mate a favour then she might not automatically expect to.

I don't think OP did anything wrong here. The friend should not have spent £150 of OP's money and then presented it as a done deal. I take a very dim view of people or companies who decide what they want to sell you /charge you for and then force you to decline after the event.

Yes, OP could have said at the start that it was a No; but it's absolutely not on to land somebody with a charge that they haven't agreed to or even indicated agreement to. Maybe if it were a tenner, she could have assumed; but who on earth does she think she is, just making that decision and saying that OP now owes her £150?

Ask if friend knows the price. If it seems she’s not paying, ask for her to transfer you the ticket, and say you’ll put it up for sale.

Even if OP had said right at rhe start - having knowingly been put in a very awkward position by her friend - how do we know she would have accepted this?

The friend's attitude later was just "Oh, can't you just go anyway?", so she's clearly not one for respecting boundaries in the first place.

Why are you so scared of being honest with your friend? Your reluctance to opt out of the plan in the first instance has already landed you in an unpleasant situation. Just ask your friend- "Will X be buying the ticket for the full amount from me?" At least initate the conversation. She might be irritated or upset with you, fair enough. But it appears that you are worried that any wrong move on your part now will cost you your friendship and that's an issue in itself.

The friend might not want to go if they have to pay that much, so pushing it would leave your friend in the lurch.

I think you have to suck it up as the price you pay for agreeing to it when you didn’t want to in the first place.

You didn't speak up for yourself when your friend bought the tickets, so essentially committed yourself to going with her to this event.

YOU then cancel, and instead of finding someone to go instead of you, you put that burden on your friend - and now you expect her to pay YOU back for the ticket? You inconvenienced her and made her spend time finding someone to replace you - again - after YOU decided you didn't want to go. No, you don't get to ask for your money back in this circumstance.

Could you message and ask if the other friend would be willing to pay a contribution to the ticket price, and although you don’t expect a full reimbursement, a token amount would be appreciated. I’d expect £20-50 back probably, if there’s travel costs etc to pay on top.

No l don't think so, you agreed to go , you allowed her to buy the tickets at the time and now you want to let her down and not go . I would be very glad she managed to get someone to go with her if l were you .

Ask for half as a contribution?

Go halves but really struggling so need some kind of reimbursement if can't resell it

"It's brilliant that Samantha can go with you. It's such a relief that you found her. Please reimburse me this week if possible. My bank details are XYZ. Thank you so much. I'm sure you'll have a brilliant time."

At least start out giving her the expectation that you'll get it all back, then she can make you a lower offer if she wants to. I don't see why the new person should get a free ticket, but maybe a bit of a discount. Also, you paid her, so I think she should repay you and get the money off the new person. Of course, it may not work out like that. But give it a go to start off with. Good luck, and learn to say no!

Basically her choice is go alone (not much fun), not go and lose the money she spent or find someone else. I expect she probably said she had a spare ticket so she would then have to go back and say you are now asking for the money which puts her in an awkward position. When my friend did this to me I paid the cost of her ticket back to her out of my own money as I didn't think it was fair to ask the person I had told there was a spare ticket. I would never drop out and ask for the money back, and neither would most of my friends. It's just not on.

I do get this perspective and I don’t want to be that person who’s being super cheeky. If it were less money I’d 100% not expect anything back at all and would’ve said as much, but I could really do with the money at the moment (hence why I can’t go!). But I do see your perspective and I’m thinking I might have to just take the win of not paying for travel

Is it sold out? What is availability like on Twickets? Then judge accordingly. Somewhere between £50 and £100 I’d have thought. New person should pay at least £50.

I don't think you are due reimbursement.

You agreed to go. You paid. You then let your friend down.

I would personally have gone on my own, but she didn't want to and your ticket was not going to be used so she offered it so that someone would come with her. It is likely they would not have agreed to come if they had to pay for all costs.

You've saved travel costs and food costs, perhaps hotel costs, but the ticket cost is the price you pay for not saying what you actually meant.

Yes sold out, resale tickets appear to be going for near full price online

@101pongo.

I would ask for maybe £100 back, rather than the full amount. See what she says. If she makes it difficult, you can always negotiate or just leave it, but at least you'll know you've tried.

Like you say, it's a fair bit of money, and you felt pressured into going.

You definitely need to work on being more assertive, so start now and ask for the money back.

I’d maybe say. Has x paid you for my ticket yet? If so can you trans to me please.

I also see your pov that it's a lot of money to lose out on. If you say you want to resell it your friend can either go alone or also resell hers. It could damage the friendship, I guess it's a choice of take the hit on the loss, ask for a portion of money and take the hit it might hurt the friendship or resell it and again take the hit on the friendship.