Should friend reimburse me?

[101pongo]

fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable here but a few friends have disagreed so I’d like opinions!

a few months ago a friend asked if I’d like to attend an event with them at the other end of the country to where we live (think comic con type thing). I said I’d be interested in principle but dependant on cost. Friend then went ahead and booked tickets amounting to £150 each!!

I realise now that I should’ve at that stage said I didn’t agree to that price and I couldn’t go. However, I’m such a people pleaser that I just said fine whatever and paid for it. FWIW I’m on minimum wage so it’s a lot of money to me.

as times gone on I’ve just felt more and more like I don’t even want to go at all. I’ve seen who’s attending the event and they’re not really for me, plus I’d have to use my very limited annual leave to go which I don’t want to do either.

i messaged friend basically saying things are tight (not a lie) and that I can’t justify the time needed off work to go. The event is about 6 weeks away so I figured I have to say something now otherwise it’s too late as we’ll need to sort travel etc soon.

she replied and said she didn’t want the hassle of asking anyone else to go now so could I just go? I said not really please could she at least look into finding a replacement. After much back and forth on this she asked another friend who said she would go.

my Aibu is that she has said the friend will go with her but hasn’t said anything about actually buying the ticket. Her exact message was basically “x said she can go so all sorted”.

now part of me thinks i’ll just leave it bc the relief of not paying for travel and hotel or wasting holiday etc is worth it. However another friend said this isn’t fair and the friend who’s now going should absolutely buy the ticket. My issue is that my friend is very fickle and will likely fall out with me over this if I push too much.

should I ask for the money back? Or should I just be glad I’m not having to go?

Obviously you should ask for some money back! Maybe not expect then entire amount but at least a good chunk of it, don't be such a pushover

This is a difficult one op because you’re not without blame here. Obviously she shouldn’t have booked them without telling you price, nor should she have given them to a friend for free. But you made a big mistake not speaking up at the beginning. But then even worse - why did you expect her to do all the legwork to find a different friend? Why didn’t you?

I would say ok can you ask her to forward me x amount for the ticket?

I would message friend and say you’re really glad she’s found someone to go so you’re happy to accept half ticket price. I think that would be generous of you.

My issue is that my friend is very fickle and will likely fall out with me over this if I push too much

I see this as a win-win situation… You get your money back or you rid yourself of a fickle and unreasonable friend.

I don’t share any mutual friends with this person so if I’d found someone else it would be a stranger to her! I’d be happy to do that, but there’s no way she’d go for it.

I fully appreciate that I’m not without blame and should’ve spoken up sooner

I should’ve said in the op I don’t expect the full price back (if I do even ask!) but a token amount would go far for me at the moment

To some extent it’s a sunk cost, the other friend is going. You could gently ask your friend ‘did you mention paying for the ticket when X agreed to go? Just wondering as I’m really struggling right now’. If she says no, you have your answer.

You really just should have said no at the very beginning. I’d ask your friend the question if you are able to get your money back, if she says no then fair enough move on and lesson learnt to stop people pleasing x

Sorry but I think you’re mostly being unreasonable. The time to say the cost was too much was right after the tickets were bought, not now the event is coming up and yes if you’re choosing not to go, it’s up to you to find the replacement. Why not just go, who knows you might enjoy it ?

Hmm you’ve let her know at relatively short notice and she’d probably struggle to find a paying replacement at such short notice, who would also have to come up with travel and spending money as well as the ticket cost. Your friend obviously really wants to go so the free ticket was probably an incentive to the other person, otherwise your friend may have ended up on her own.
she was wrong to book the tickets though and you were wrong to pay her when you weren’t set on going
I’d chalk this one up to experience and probably swallow the cost tbh

Don’t be a pushover. Just say to your friend “Thank you so much for finding someone to take my place. My bank details are XYZ, please could you ask them to transfer the money by X date? Thanks!”

But in future try to be more honest/upfront, as I can also understand your friend being a bit miffed by how you’ve handled this.

You get a full refund as you could see the ticket yourself

I agree with PPs. Friend shouldn't have booked without you agreeing but you should have said so then and not paid her. You paid her, ostensibly agreed to go, and then you said you can't got and asked her to find someone else. You didn't mention payment so friend probably didn't mention it to the other person. You could ask if friend would be able to pay something towards the ticket as £150 is a lot of money but it's likely the other person agreed to go on the basis it's a free ticket.

YABU for going along with it at the start and not saying something sooner, your friend is unreasonable for going ahead and booking it without a definite yes. I would just message your friend and ask her if she mentioned the cost of the ticket you sold her friend, see what she says

I did say in my message to friend explaining I can’t go “is there anyone who might buy my ticket?” so I did mention it; in her reply she didn’t mention money though

If I’d booked the tickets originally I feel like I’d hold a lot more of the cards so to speak, as I’d be able to say “I’m going to sell my ticket unless someone you know can buy it from me” but because she has the tickets on her email I’m a bit in her hands

I know some people are saying I should message and ask, but how would you suggest I phrase it?

You strung it out too long instead of telling her upfront. Sorry I think YABVU and it would be quite cheeky to ask for some money back. I'd take it as a win that you don't have to pay travel costs and leave it at that. Your financial situation isn't her problem, she acted in good faith.

Oh you just wanted validation for something you already decided you wanted to do. 🙄 I'm out.

Considering it’s just a ticket yeah I think they should just buy it off you. If it was something like airbnb etc then I’d say you backed out too late.

I’d just message something along the lines of “Hi, I’m a little bit confused - if X is taking over my ticket, are they buying it? £150 is quite an expensive ticket to give away, otherwise I’d rather resell it online to try and recoup something. Thank you xx”

I would agree with this if there was no one else wanting to go, but surely in this situation it would be expected to at least offer some money.

“Thank you so much for finding someone to take my place. My bank details are XYZ, please could you ask them to transfer the money by X date? Thanks!”

This was a very good suggestion. If you don't hear after a day or so you could follow up by saying "As you know the main reason I can't go is because I can't afford it. Things are really tight so I really need the money by X date at the latest. Pls transfer asap"

Hope that will elicit a reply as to whether you are likely to be repaid any of the money, how much and roughly when.

I am in the minority, but in my opinion this is on you.

You have dropped out at fairly short notice and left her the leg work of finding someone to go with her. It's not just a trip to a local venue, its going to involve the other person being away from home and possibly taking annual leave as well at short notice, so her pool of people to ask is going to be limited.

I had to drop out of something similar last year at short notice. I had paid a few months previously, so the money had gone already. I was just relieved my friend could still go with someone else and that my personal issues hadn't meant she lost out as well.

Chalk it up to experience and be more assertive in future.

Depends how the fickle friend worded it to the new attendee. I expect it was along the lines of " I've got a spare ticket if you want to come and just pay for your travel and accommodation". The new attendee may well have said no if it was going to cost more (potentially £75-£150) for the ticket.