Uninviting a child who actively hurts your own badly.

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Hey, I’m in a WhatsApp group with 2 other mums. BBs mum sent out invites in Feb for his birthday over the last 2 months, one of the children she originally invited has been seriously biting and hurting her child, black eyes the lot! This child has also done the same to mine since this school year started and he’s known for doing it to others. He’s been accessed a number of times and has no special educational needs.

It does make me wonder what he sees at home. I have seen mum hiding black eyes behind make up, not sure if from child or someone else. However BBs mum has asked in the group would it be acceptable if she uninvited this child as her own son is now exceptionally nervous about him being there and doesn’t want to go to his own birthday party, as he doesn’t want to be hurt again and she’s also sick to the back teeth of it herself. I straight away said yes, of course it’s not about being horrible it’s about protecting your son, just word it as nicely as possible, you can’t have your own child getting upset like he has been and crying not wanting to go to his own birthday party, he should be looking forward to it. Our other friend in the group said you can’t uninvite children at all and that we are both out of order.

It is worth noting it’s every time this child gets near BBs he will hurt him doesn’t matter about adults being present, he does the same to mine, they’re both just soft and easy targets. My own child has rare bleeding disorder and these continuous attacks have even put my child in hospital, BB has also been in hospital to. Children are aged 5/6.

I feel for the mother of the child hurting others I do, you can tell she’s exhausted, however we know from her telling us herself she basically just gives him whatever he wants when he wants and ignores the schools advice on boundaries constantly, I must admit I do have concerns there is more going on at home but to me it is purely about protecting our own children as they come first.

So am I unreasonable?

I did keep him off briefly which made them put “measures in place” to help keep him safe. However these measures are feeling more of a punishment to my son, as they’re both been made to take it in turns to be out the room which means he is missing out on being with his friends and other nice things they have planned etc, this wasn’t what was agreed upon and it seems like my child is being removed from his classroom more times than the other because he doesn’t argue back with it. That’s not fair. At the minute there may have been less incidents and he’s still learning what he needs to but he’s essentially being excluded from his classroom for being an easy target and because he doesn’t argue back.

Thank you, I’ve requested the safeguarding lead be in on the meeting with the headmaster, I haven’t heard back yet

I know there are a few of us with kids with birthdays around the same time, she sends them out early to get her desired party date.

This is so bad of the school. I'd be fuming at that more than the party.
I mean it is very reasonable to refuse an invite because a child there is going to attack your DS and she can uninvite a child because of their behaviour or just because they are no longer friends.
But this child sounds quite a danger to several children and school not taking it seriously enough

This child’s aggressive behaviour has put your DS with a bleeding disorder in hospital. Were you aware that a Safeguarding referral would be made about the harm to your DS? Was this why measures were put in place to protect your son at school resulting in the reduction in incidents?
Given school have done this, it’s your responsibility to make sure that you protect your child outside school, which makes me surprised that you accepted a party invite without knowing if this child would be there.
I know popular venues have to be booked early, but I’m very surprised that invites were sent 5/6 months in advance.
Let BBs Mum decide what to do about the party, all you can do is protect your child by withdrawing your acceptance.
If measures are in place to protect your child now why are you going to the school/Ofsted?
You say the child’s Mum has told you she has told “us” that she “basically just” gives him what he wants, when he wants at home and “constantly” ignores the school’s advice on boundary setting. I can’t say I’ve ever met a Mum that would admit being so cavalier. Do you blame us Mum for what he does, because it reads that way though you have acknowledged she looks exhausted.
Please tell children’s social care about the bruising you have seen on this Mum. If her DS has witnessed it this is a Safeguarding issue.
I really feel for all of the DC in this story. Your own DS will possibly miss out on the party as you won’t risk him getting injured as he’s already been through enough, BB’s son is dreading his party and also getting hurt. I’m really concerned about the other child and his Mum. She is being assaulted by someone to have noticeable black eyee, her son is a danger to other children. She and her son are being gossiped about.

Above already stated I was shocked to find out the child was going to the party. My friend has actively said how much she dislikes the child countless times in the past and that she doesn’t want him around her son. I never thought it would be something I’d have to clarify with her, the other mum was shocked he was invited as well. She’s the most vocal out of every parent in their class about her dislike of certain children to the point we have had to tell her what she’s said has been unfair. I know I’ve now made her sound horrible but On the whole she’s generally lovely just a bit too opinionated at times. Straight away when I found out I told her that if she didn’t go through with her plan to uninvite the child we would not being going as I cannot put my child at risk.

With regards to the school we are in a little village in the back of beyond with not much choice. It is meant to be a good school. It’s a mixed year school for they have two years together, due to the low amount of children. This child has been at the school for longer as he’s also done nursery there whereas mine went to a little private one. The school have struggled with his behaviour before we got there. His mother has that attitude when we’ve had joint “reconciliation” meetings at the school, she’s openly come out with it, yes she does seem exhausted and I feel for her massively but the way she’s stated things in those meetings leads me to believe she has no interest in working with the school, whether that’s can’t or won’t I don’t know but she could at least try. Also at the start of the year we all tried to meet up a few times to get to know each other and she openly came out with how we’d all learn about her sons behaviour throughout the year and almost laughed it off. I’m not stating it’s all down to the mother I’ve said I believe there is more going on a home. I have reported it to social services a few times. We’re also not “gossiping” we’ve shared important information with each other and expressed our concerns and worries with each other. We’ve had to share information with each other to get to the bottom of how crappy the school are at dealing with this as well.

I should also add before anyone says about moving schools, I’m hoping by the end of this week we’ll be confirmed to be moving 200 miles away if my husband gets his new job.

We’ve been trying to move for the past year and to be honest wasn’t expecting our child to be at this school for this long. We want to move before our third child arrives to be closer to my parents, and to be honest I actually think it’ll be the best thing for our eldest if we can

Yes, uninvite him. Not only is that best for the safety of the other children but the bullying child himself must learn that his actions against others have consequences.