Uninviting a child who actively hurts your own badly.

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Hey, I’m in a WhatsApp group with 2 other mums. BBs mum sent out invites in Feb for his birthday over the last 2 months, one of the children she originally invited has been seriously biting and hurting her child, black eyes the lot! This child has also done the same to mine since this school year started and he’s known for doing it to others. He’s been accessed a number of times and has no special educational needs.

It does make me wonder what he sees at home. I have seen mum hiding black eyes behind make up, not sure if from child or someone else. However BBs mum has asked in the group would it be acceptable if she uninvited this child as her own son is now exceptionally nervous about him being there and doesn’t want to go to his own birthday party, as he doesn’t want to be hurt again and she’s also sick to the back teeth of it herself. I straight away said yes, of course it’s not about being horrible it’s about protecting your son, just word it as nicely as possible, you can’t have your own child getting upset like he has been and crying not wanting to go to his own birthday party, he should be looking forward to it. Our other friend in the group said you can’t uninvite children at all and that we are both out of order.

It is worth noting it’s every time this child gets near BBs he will hurt him doesn’t matter about adults being present, he does the same to mine, they’re both just soft and easy targets. My own child has rare bleeding disorder and these continuous attacks have even put my child in hospital, BB has also been in hospital to. Children are aged 5/6.

I feel for the mother of the child hurting others I do, you can tell she’s exhausted, however we know from her telling us herself she basically just gives him whatever he wants when he wants and ignores the schools advice on boundaries constantly, I must admit I do have concerns there is more going on at home but to me it is purely about protecting our own children as they come first.

So am I unreasonable?

I wouldn't go.

Leave her to sort the party. There will be many other parties and I would create a reason not to go

A message saying given recent incidents in school it’s no longer appropriate for x to come to the party is plenty. There’s more is want to say but I think the less said the less to come back on. The party should be fun for the birthday child in particular.

I’m sorry but I feel YABU for not acting sooner to protect your child from this. You feel for the mum but your child has a bleeding disorder! He can’t be friends with this boy while his behaviour is this way.

I think that’s where I’m at if I’m honest. She is generally just a bit clueless at times and I think she thinks the injuries to my child are only bad because of his blood disorder as even simple ones can cause more of an issue, but now she’s seeing first hand what he can do. She’s been very apologetic, I think she’s been brought back down to earth with a real bump. But I don’t think our friendship will ever be the same. I still feel a bit like she was prepared to use my child as a sacrificial lamb.

I my experience writing to safeguarding leads and directors of the academy (if your school is in one) was the only way to make school pay attention to a violent child in my daughter’s class. If you have the will and time then please do it. So often the school won’t take things seriously until they get a rollicking from their bosses…

My child and this child were never friends, I haven’t invited this child to a party. And I accepted the inviting thinking he wasn’t invited. And I’ve been on at the school continuously. I also removed my child from the school for a couple of weeks and it’s then they’ve been separating my child more from this one and that he’s now started on my friends.

If the child has been separated from your son to the point you’re happy he’s safe enough to be in school what’s the meeting for? What would you be going to Ofsted for?

If you don’t think your son is safe from this child I’d be taking him out of any space where the other child is present, including school, and being clear why. These boys are 5 and your son has been hospitalised - my child wouldn’t have crossed the threshold of the school until there was a clear, robust safety plan in place, never mind going to a party with the child.

How is she sacrificing your child if her own child is hit more often than your own? I think you just take your own child out of the situation and then you don’t need to worry about what the other child is doing.

Absolutely he doesn't go

"sorry to disappoint anyone. This isn't normally something I would do but James and a few of his friends are really frightened of bob at the moment and we'd like to ask you to keep him away from the party please. Hopefully we can arrange a play date when this phase passes"

it will do the little shit good to see that actions have consequences and I'd be happy to tell him. "We like you Bob but we don't like how you hurt everyone so not all the children want to play with you" is perfectly reasonable.

I'm trying to move on from party invitations for a five year old's June/July party being sent in Feb.

Of course the child is disinvited or the invitation stands only after a conversation with the mother to say that if he comes, she has to stay and 1:1 supervise him due to the injuries he has been causing.

The child absolutely should be uninvited, and if BB's mother is too wet to do this then you will need to keep your child away. I feel very sorry for the child and his mother, things are obviously not right at home, but you can't put your own child in danger.

I'd uninvite the little bastard and make it perfectly clear to his mother why, and tell anyone who bitches about the kid being uninvited to wind their neck in or maybe volunteer their own child to be his his new punchbag?

All the decisions here are being made by grownups, why would anyone allow themselves to be peer-pressured into allowing their kids to be intimidated and injured? If his mother won't put boundaries in place, someone else has to. Being unwelcome at gatherings is consequence of acting like a shit.

The most important thing as a mum is to protect your child. I do feel sorry for the abusive child, what he must be seeing at home or wherever he is learning this from. Perhaps in an ideal world, when the boys mum starts to see her son being kept away from other children, she may find the courage to start thinking about getting her and her children into a safer environment. Sometimes a small thing can change everything. Very sad story you have to tell though OP.

I'd prefer to keep my child safe and loose the money rather than risk that kid putting my child in hospital again. You need to keep this kid away. Just wait until that kid is 10 and taller, They will do serious damage. Loosing money or keeping my child safe, I know which one I'd choose

Ah I see, not reading thread properly, I apologise.

Because she was prepared to invited a child to a party that is known to seriously hurt my son, normally her son doesn’t have much to do with him at school so I don’t buy the “they’re friends” but I do buy that she thought not inviting the child would cause her own child to be targeted.

for context it’s not a very big party but it is a more expensive one, it’s not like she invited everyone in the class, plenty of kids aren’t going as they weren’t invited.

my son and her son aren’t meant to be best friends and we’ve been close friends since they were tiny babies. She knows if I know that child is going to be somewhere my child be going. To be honest I feel like she kept it from it and skirted around it every time I asked who was coming

He's a child not a "little bastard" fgs.

Of course you can cancel kids invite he is a horrible violent kid it’s her party fuck what the other parents are saying. Op if it was there kids then they could still invite him and you and the other mum wouldn’t go. Tell original mum to ignore the others I have done this when a child was nasty to mine and my kid just said you are not coming to my party because you keep being horrible. Fuck them do gooders.

I wouldn’t let my child attend if the violent child will be at the party.

Nah eff that. Why should the little boy not enjoy his own party. Maybe the other boy will learn his actions have consequences. Might also be worth having a word with school safeguarding and letting them know you suspect the mother is hiding black eyes. Could very well be be his dad.

The mum needs to realise how serious the matter is and the boy is going to lose out on friends unless she deals with it.

I’d tell your friend to message the other mum and explain that her son is scared around her son and it’s probably for the best he doesn’t attend. Yes it’s harsh, but it’s her boy causing this, not your friends.

You have to protect the children if it really is this extreme.

I would do so with an apology but otherwise keep it factual and unemotional - focused on safety, and making sure it doesn't sound like a criticism of him or his mum. Or course it is in a fundamental way, but I'd write it as though it is an accepted fact he is rough, and not get into any descriptive justifications, which can set things off.

In other words, a statement that she doesn't want him, not an explanation of why or it will degenerate into a complaint about him.

Separately, go back to the school with your concerns.

ETA reading on OP, it sounds as though the other mum isn't really wanting to not invite the boy: it's you? In that case, the correct course is to just keep your boy home from the party. Give him an alternative treat.

I'll be honest, my 5 year old who's adhd and autistic lashes out at children. Me and school are trying everything we can to stop this. He's started medication and is going to a specialist school from September.

Anyway for his friends at home bouncy castle today the mum invited us at 9.30 and then more children came at 11.30 after we left. This way my son still got to celebrate the boys birthday without the added risk of injury. With only these two to watch, it made it easy. Thankfully my son was so kind and gentle so I think the medication is working.

Could the mum do something similar and have a mini celebration with the other child? As a mum with a temperamental physical child, I'm aware of his behaviours and would accept these terms

You have to ask ?
Blimey. I am amazed he was invited in the first place.
Absolutely uninvited. Due to being out of control and violent.

No she first came out with it, I must admit had I known from the start I would have declined the invite. But it’s since around 2 months ago they’ve started keeping my child separate from this boy a lot more at school so my friends son has been the one getting it more, that’s when she asked should she take back his invite. Yes I was shocked she had invited him in the first place, she knows I won’t put my child at risk of being near him and I’ve openly refused to go to other places before. She’s actively said she doesn’t like the child constantly throughout the year so why would you invite a child you don’t want yours around. She only invited him because she thought it would make her child a target if she didn’t but now her son is a target anyway she doesn’t want him there as much as me.