To think there’s nothing I can do?

[naanbreadforaxel]

Ex-dp has decided he wants 50/50 custody , so he doesn’t have to pay child support. Great, no problem.

he wants to start with week on/ week off, with hand over being a sunday afternoon.

now here’s the AIBU. His weeks will consist of the kids stopping with his new gf of 3 months (they don’t yet live together) and he will see them around his shift work. She will do school runs/meals/bed times he’s not there.

am I right in thinking there’s nothing I can do about this? Everyone I have spoke to have said they wouldn’t be having it or be happy about it and should put a stop to it. To me It’s not right the kids being cared for by another person if their mother is available, but that’s their fathers choice?

Some co parents do agree on right of first refusal so that if dad isn’t available on his time the kids can go to mums first if she wants them and vice versa.

more often at least one parent uses grandparents and new partners for some level of childcare.

if your kids are teens or older then I’d expect their views to be (partially or fully) respected.

on a more practical level this is unlikely to work long term as new gf is likely to get fed up with it asap.

I wouldn’t make too much fuss, the new GF will get pissed off with that pretty quickly!

I guess from a technicality POV it’s not different from if he was using paid childcare whilst he worked on his 50% of time.

However I agree with where you’re coming from. If he’s just doing it because he has free childcare on the shape of a new GF and he doesn’t have to pay CM then it’s it the best arrangement .

However, you are right. There is nothing you can do and well done for being a sensible ex and sucking one shite situation for what it’s because you have no legal standing to change it.

However if you don’t have a court order and you feel a better arrangement would benefit your children there is that route to go down. I think it would be hard to win with what you’ve said here though.

It is a completely shit situation. While there are parenting and lifestyle choices ex-dp and his new gf make that i disagree with, I don’t feel my children are in danger and therefor have no standing to try change things legally. Although this arrangement has only just begun, I will let it play out for a few weeks and see how the children are getting on with it. They’re are 11 and 8, I mainly worry about my 8 year old as he is such a people pleaser and I don’t think will give an opinion either way 🙁

But why would you let someone look after your kids who’s pissed off with doing it? That’s how abuse/neglect starts. Children are worth so much better.

I would hate this so much.

You don’t have to agree. It can go to the courts, but they need to see that you are not being unreasonable.

There's plenty you can do. You say no, and let a judge rule if you're to essentially share custody with a random stranger.

The OP doesn’t really have much choice what the dad does when he has the children as he has parental responsibility. I imagine the 3 month GF won’t be a GF very long once she realises she’s a nanny with a fanny and the dad will very quickly be wanting to rearrange things with mum.

I would fight to the death on that personally tbh.. she doesn't even know them and it's literally every other week? She will have no interest or feeling for them, and it is not a feeling or security for the children to be with a virtual stranger for all that time.

What was the arrangement before this new nanny with a fanny got duped?

Can’t see this lasting longer than a week till she’s pissed off. He doesn’t even know her properly at 3 months what if she’s a pedophile or something?!

All those saying you would fight it, what can I actually do. Intercept the children from school? Stand at her doorstep and demand they get in the car? Tell a 40 odd year old man where he can and cannot go? I can tell him I don’t agree until I’m blue in the face but ultimately there’s nothing physically I can do that won’t put the children in a position of witnessing conflict and physically being asked to choose.

He would have them 2/3 Wednesdays for dinner (his shifts didn’t allow for every Wednesday) then every weekend (depending on his shifts would be fri-mon one week, sat-sun, the next)

A GF of 3 months doing school runs and childcare sounds like a really bad idea. Too early to introduce them. Too much expectation on a new partner which could lead to her resenting the DC and not being very nice with them or could lead to them breaking up. There's a good chance they will break up anyway, it's very early, they will still be in the stage of figuring each other out.
I'd refuse 50/50 and let him take it to court. See what happens there. They might separate before it gets in to court, he probably won't be so keen on 50/50 without a woman he can pass the care on to.

The only thing you can do is go to Court and get a formal Order. It’s a difficult situation but unless you feel the children are not happy or in danger you may just have to go with it.

What is in the court agreement? If it is not currently 50/50 then he hasnt a leg to stand on.

You go to school and pick then up as usual. Do you think the school will send them home with some unknown woman over you?

You respond to him by email;

”I have considered your new suggestions for having the children and I don’t feel it’s in their best interests. I’m happy to continue with the current arrangements, or move onto mediation/court order if you’d like to formally press ahead with your proposal.

Kind regards,
Naan”

I would first go and get legal advice. I imagine the lawyers first step would be to write to your ex objecting to his proposal on the grounds it is not in the best interests of the children to be cared for by an unknown adult. You would discuss with solicitor what you want to say as a counter proposal, ie he has them when off work and that childcare be with familiar adults.

Advice from solicitor about what would be likely if you took this to court to try and prevent it happening. I’d be guided overall by their advice, but if I could fight it I would, I’d be so upset about this.

Are you on speaking terms with your ex? Can you ask him to consider how he’d feel if you had a partner of 3 months caring for your kids?

Is she putting them to bed at his place and staying there with them until he gets home? Or are they actually staying at her place overnight when he's working shifts? If it's the latter, those nights typically would not be counted as part of his total for child maintenance payment calculations (at least in England).

Ex-dp has decided he wants 50/50 custody, so he doesn’t have to pay child support.

Why does he get to decide?
The childcare he’s providing (by way of GF) doesn’t seem to be in your children’s best interests OP.

Can’t you decide, no, this is not okay?

However, it’s not clear exactly how much childcare GF will be providing as you just say it’s around his shift work. Unless it was for very short time periods I wouldn’t be ok with this.

This sounds a very mature course of action. The children are old enough to let their dad and you know if they’re not happy. I’d also let school know the arrangements and they can check in with the children to make sure they’re ok on the weeks they’re not with you.

This is a dreadful situation for your children. I think you have to take him to court to challenge the 50/50. I'm hardly a helicopter parent but a girlfriend of three months, you know nothing about her and she is a stranger to your children. And he's only doing it to avoid paying. Another shit dad.

I have always said he can reduce child maintenance by having them 50/50 so he has taken up this offer. In regards to child care around his shifts. If they are there when he is on
days - she will be doing, wake up, breakfast, drop off and pick up until he’s home at approximately 4pm.
lates- she will be doing pick ups and bed times.
night shift - potentially she won’t have to do anything except be in the house while they sleep if he sleeps while they are at school.

they are staying at her house, with the view for him to move in in July I believe.

I would challenge this in court. No way is it in the children’s best interests to spend half their time being looked after being their dad’s new gf or in the home of a parent who isn’t there.

Theyre better off being with a parent who is about, and their dad paying maintenance to make sure you can give them a good standard of living.