AIBU to consider cutting contact with my difficult elderly mother?

[Tiggermad]

I have written on here before but in a different name.
I have a very challenging relationship with my mother. She is in her 80’s.
I am in my 50’s am happily married with 2 adult dc in early twenties still living at home. I work full time in a very stressful but rewarding job in children’s Social care.
She was widowed over 10 years ago and was left a good inheritance as well as house paid off but no private pension. She had spent all of her inheritance in 4 years. So now lives off basic pension. She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing.
The thing is I now seem to have replaced him in terms of her expectations to keep her entertained and also to some extent financially. She expects me to constantly take her out for meals or shopping when I have very little time to myself. I am expected to pay for it all.
She seems to resent my happiness and success (I have done well in job but also financially we are not rich but fairly comfortable). I’ve worked hard to get where we are as a family.
Every few months she will do something to provoke a disagreement and this is always via messages. It will start with some sort of accusation. Eg if me and husband are going out for a meal for birthday she will ask why she is not coming and when I provide a reason then call me a liar. Insults and accusations of neglecting her then follow. I have done a lot for her in the past but if I say what I’ve done in defence of accusations she will say that’s just what daughters do.
When I try to explain reasons for things her name calling and insults escalate. She will say I am unlovable, cruel, neglectful, a selfish sod.
Eventually after about 4 weeks of this she will come round my house ask if we can be friends but refuse to talk about what happened. She is unable to talk about any disagreement in an adult way if I say we need to talk about it she will say can we not but if we did she will go hysterical and storm off. It will always be my fault. I provoked her.
The thing is each time it gets worse.
And it a never ending cycle. Each time more damage is done as I then feel resentful spending any time with her as I know it will lead to accusations of neglecting her in her old age when the disagreement happen. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Example I recently took her out for shopping and food and spent £50 on her and during one of her recent episodes she focused on the fact that whilst I bought her coffee and cake we shared a sandwich as I don’t each much at lunchtime and neither does she but she said she told her friends and they laughed at the sandwich. She will never pay towards anything she expects me to pay for any meals out etc which I don’t mind but then I’m accused of doing nothing after.
I feel she is cruel, unkind and never acknowledges any good I do.
When I pull back she says I’m a cruel, neglectful daughter and all her friends think I’m horrible.
My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance.
I know I now have 2 options to completely cut all contact or stay in contact and have this every 3 months. The thing is she is in her 80’s and whilst she is still fit and healthy (she has a boyfriend and goes out several times a week) but I do worry about her.
I see no end to it that way though as she never acknowledges her treatment of me. I’ve made her that way according to her.
I am at a loss what to do because the impact each time is worse and it’s starting to make me feel very depressed.
i do have a sibling who moved many hours away does very little fur her yet she constantly gushes about her to me.
i cannot see a way out of this.

I'd limit contact, cut the call or walk away whenever she starts being abusive.
To be blunt, she will likely die in the next decade. How will you feel if that happens and you're no contact with her? If you think you will feel relieved, go ahead and cut contact. If you think you will feel guilt and regret, continue to be in contact but on your terms and be firm with boundaries.

The way out of this is to stop doing what you're doing. She's ungrateful and abusive. You don't have to put up with being treated like that just because you happen to be related. Would you put up with that treatment from anyone else?

If you're worried about how she will manage getting older, you can ask for a referral to adult social care when it's needed. At the moment, she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself so you don't have to worry about her.

And if she tells her friends that you're horrible and they think badly of you, so what? They're probably more aware of her personality traits than you think, and probably find her difficult too. You can't live your life worrying about what other people think of you - you know the truth and it's your opinion that matters.

Ditch the bitch.

Why do you just blindly pay for her and do these things though? The second someone took it for granted that I would pay their way to the point of being rude about it, I would stop

My recommendation is that you cut off all contact. You have been a lovely and very patient daughter and she not only takes you for granted, she is actively cruel and unpleasant. Your sibling who does nothing for her is the 'golden child' while you are the 'scapegoat' despite you doing everything for your mother.

Think how peaceful you life will be without her toxic and entitled behaviour. Your sibling can step up once you pull right back. It's their turn now and it's long overdue.

We both know there’s no point trying to deal with this sensibly or healthily cos she won’t engage.

Has DM always been this unpleasant? If not, she’s got the early stages of Dementia which are oh so hilariously referred to as personality change.

You might have to go low contact because you need all the peace you’ve got before she gets worse and the crisis years start.

If she has form for being a wicked old trout, Go low contact and stay there.

I personally would stay in contact in some form but I would accept that she probably has a personality disorder and try to detach emotionally.

Behaving like this to her child is deeply dysfunctional. Tbh do you think these ‘friends’ really exist? I doubt it, or at least I doubt that they say anything at all about you. Possibly they make vague agreeing noises when she says stuff to them, and she translates that into whatever she feels like.

Work out what sort of outing or visit with her is least stressful and do that. Maybe visit her at home so that you can get up and leave calmly when she is horrible to you ‘I’ll see you when you’re feeling better mum’.

Well of course it is getting worse because you do eventually give into her and agree to not talk about it.

My advice would be to make sure you do talk about it. If she has a tantrum and won’t talk about it then immediately stop talking to her. Depending on where you are tell her to go away or you go away. I would advise LC rather than NC.
I had a similar, but the not the same, situation with my mother. The difference is that I have a sister who feels exactly the same as me. My mother is now in a nursing home and I phone her every week but neither of us have anything to say. I visit a couple of times a year.

Could you just not engage when the inevitable disagreement arises every so often? So when she asks why she's not invited to your birthday dinner - you say 'I wanted time with just DH'. If she makes the predictable neglectful daughter/you're being horrible comments just don't entertain them - 'I can see you're being nasty/silly/unreasonable again Mum. Give me a call when you're in a better frame of mind'. And end the communication.

If she bitches about money you could always say “well mother you burnt through inheritance, and are leaving me with nothing so time to cut your cloth! I cannot afford to pay for you every time.”

If my OH had a sister, I would swear you were she! His Mum is very much the same. I regularly suggest he just tells her to do one but he is much nicer than me. We have reached a point where he does now have stock phrases ‘I don’t recognise this version of events. Sorry, but I’m putting the phone down now, Mum.’ which she hates but which has meant we have had less nonsense. I basically draw a line at it affecting our family life so he has had to make some decisions about boundaries. Luckily she can’t come to us - her rocking up must be tricky.

"call me a liar. Insults and accusations of neglecting her then follow."

"She will say I am unlovable, cruel, neglectful, a selfish sod."

" she says I’m a cruel, neglectful daughter and all her friends think I’m horrible."

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. She is being abusive to you. You don't don't deserve to be treated like this and don't have to put up with it because she's your mum, it's ok to cut contact. Think about what you'd suggest to a friend if it was their partner saying these things. I think you need to go no contact to protect your health as you say it's making you depressed (which is very understandable). Her behaviour has led you to get to this point, sadly you can't change how she behaves. If you go no contact she has brought it on her self.

I suggest you tell her that you can’t go on with her this way, that things need to change. Try to lay some ground rules. Maybe her GP would give her some counselling sessions. If you make it clear that you are so unhappy you are not sure how to keep going with her at all, she may be able to contemplate change.
she clearly isn’t a mature well balanced individual and probably needs things to be spelled out for her, boundaries to be crystal clear.

She has a BF and friends, I would just stop taking her out for lunches, stop messaging via text and focus on your family. Sounds like you'll never get her approval so why bother trying. Also, stop telling her what you are doing socially as this invites opinions!

Limit contact to a phone call/visit and hang up/walk out as soon as she kicks off. DH had to do similar with his Mother as she went through a really nasty phase in the earlier stages of dementia. It was like training a puppy with Gravy Bones, if she behaved she got his company otherwise he got up and walked out and tried again a few weeks later.

She sounds awful and you won't win with her but at her age i think i could just about tolerate every 3 months.
Sounds harsh i know but the possibility of losing out on a potential inheritance may just be enough to grit your teeth .
I would think about learning some coping methods .
That said i don't think you owe her anything and you are justified in cutting her off.
It doesn't matter what she tells anyone , lots of people will see right through someone like her anyway, the people that know you know the truth of the situation and that's all that matters.

She had money, she spent it all.
She lives in a mortgage and rent free house.
She gets the State Pension.
My sympathies are limited-she just needs to accept that this is the life she has chosen.
I wouldn't engage with the manipulation, just repeat, "Well, it's a shame you spent all the money you were left, thank goodness for the state pension."

"She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing."

So was the way she is behaving towards you her MO with your DF aswell? Is that behaviour why your sibling bailed?

If you don't want to go full NC I would say you cannot flip a switch and change her but you can change how, and how much, you respond and engage. I like the phrase from a PP "I don't recognise that version of events" use it face to face or in texts.

Disengage to a more comfortable level - be less available, shorter on time when you are with her and cut dead any texting nonsense. Go to cheaper eateries - if she complains say "it's being together that counts isn't it?" or cut out stuff like that completely, be too busy for more than a quick cuppa at hers once a fortnight - two/three hours a month total. Good luck.

Stop going to see her.
Change your phone number.
You do not have to do anything you don't want to do, and your sister has the right idea.

This is excellent advice

My mum was similar in some ways. Our last ever text exchange was her telling me what a shit daughter I was and me replying telling her she had exactly the daughter she deserved. That was it. I dropped everything. No contact at all.
Everyone told me I'd regret it. She died around 4 years later, very suddenly. I still to this day don't regret the no contact. She believed to her dying day I was an unreasonable bitch and it was all my fault. Women like this have no concept that there is any fault at all with them, I tried explaining, arguing, telling her how I couldn't do everything she wanted. She was never sadly going to be the mum I wanted or needed and in return I stopped jumping through hoops to try and prove myself and help.

You can just step away. Block her and move on with your life. It's hard, I'm not going to pretend it isn't, but you're hoping for a reasonable and loving mum like you see others have and that won't ever happen.

I hope you find a way through that makes you happy.

Are you the same poster who managed to take their mum out for an expensive mother's day weekend last year but couldnt afford to do the same this year and the mum threw a tantrum about it? If so, im so sorry you are still dealing with this.
I agree with stock phrases!
Except I would include the phrase:
'Well actually mum, MY friends think its really awful you expect me to pay for everything, as their mums are always treating them even though they are just on state pension too'
She's making shit up so play her at her own game. She might get the hint...

Definitely have a set of stock phrases to use.

Stop paying for things. Look up grey rocking. Any time she says hurtful things or is abusive, end the call or the messaging or physically leave.

I would try reducing contact before going no contact. But you need to put aome boundaries in place if only as an example to your children. Otherwise you are teaching them to accept abuse from others. Work out how often you are willing to be available to do things and then stick to it. You can always change/reduce it at a future point.

I like the idea of the stock phrases already suggested. A variation of one particular one could be "our recollections appear to differ".

"i cannot see a way out of this."
Gently; yes, you can. "My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance." Take their advice.

She has her boyfriend, and she has your sibling, and she has the friends who tell her you're horrible. She'll be fine. It's time to prioritise yourself and your health. Her behaviour is "starting to make [you] feel very depressed" so stop doing this to yourself.

And - maybe ask yourself why you've put up with this so long. I suspect your inner child is screaming for her to behave like a 'proper' mother and to love you. But she's not a proper mother, she's a bit of a cunt.

It goes back to that phrase, 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. You've always been the dutiful daughter and it has always got you abuse. It's time to stop trying, she will never behave as you yearn for her to behave, she will just pile more abuse upon abuse. It's not you, it's her - you have done nothing wrong, she is just twisted beyond humanity. Protect yourself and let go of this relationship, it's only ever going to hurt you.

((hug))

Thank you for all your responses.
Unfortunately it’s very difficult to deal with. I live 5 minutes from her.
She had always been difficult but I didn’t see it until my Dad passed as she manipulated me into thinking it was him ( he became an alcoholic then was sober for 16 years before he passed but she still managed to constantly accuse him of x, y, z.) She doesn’t have a nice word to say about anyone, her friends and her boyfriend. But I hear the brunt. It’s as if she hates me but still expects me to be there for her. I get nothing from the relationship, other than resenting time with her. Yes she love bombs me in between the abuse but that’s for what she gets then when I stop the abuse starts.
i am at my wits end.
I can’t tolerate it any longer.
Holidays, birthdays or Christmas are usually the worst as I usually receive either ghosting or abuse when I’m on holiday especially. Birthdays and Christmas she will wait until I’ve done something for her then it will start.
she had managed to turn my sister against me by putting the inheritance against us. My sister used to stick up for me then suddenly stopped
I am stuck in a cycle of abuse other than cutting contact.
i am fortunate my husband and DS do see it and I have their support.