AIBU to consider cutting contact with my difficult elderly mother?

[Tiggermad]

I have written on here before but in a different name.
I have a very challenging relationship with my mother. She is in her 80’s.
I am in my 50’s am happily married with 2 adult dc in early twenties still living at home. I work full time in a very stressful but rewarding job in children’s Social care.
She was widowed over 10 years ago and was left a good inheritance as well as house paid off but no private pension. She had spent all of her inheritance in 4 years. So now lives off basic pension. She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing.
The thing is I now seem to have replaced him in terms of her expectations to keep her entertained and also to some extent financially. She expects me to constantly take her out for meals or shopping when I have very little time to myself. I am expected to pay for it all.
She seems to resent my happiness and success (I have done well in job but also financially we are not rich but fairly comfortable). I’ve worked hard to get where we are as a family.
Every few months she will do something to provoke a disagreement and this is always via messages. It will start with some sort of accusation. Eg if me and husband are going out for a meal for birthday she will ask why she is not coming and when I provide a reason then call me a liar. Insults and accusations of neglecting her then follow. I have done a lot for her in the past but if I say what I’ve done in defence of accusations she will say that’s just what daughters do.
When I try to explain reasons for things her name calling and insults escalate. She will say I am unlovable, cruel, neglectful, a selfish sod.
Eventually after about 4 weeks of this she will come round my house ask if we can be friends but refuse to talk about what happened. She is unable to talk about any disagreement in an adult way if I say we need to talk about it she will say can we not but if we did she will go hysterical and storm off. It will always be my fault. I provoked her.
The thing is each time it gets worse.
And it a never ending cycle. Each time more damage is done as I then feel resentful spending any time with her as I know it will lead to accusations of neglecting her in her old age when the disagreement happen. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Example I recently took her out for shopping and food and spent £50 on her and during one of her recent episodes she focused on the fact that whilst I bought her coffee and cake we shared a sandwich as I don’t each much at lunchtime and neither does she but she said she told her friends and they laughed at the sandwich. She will never pay towards anything she expects me to pay for any meals out etc which I don’t mind but then I’m accused of doing nothing after.
I feel she is cruel, unkind and never acknowledges any good I do.
When I pull back she says I’m a cruel, neglectful daughter and all her friends think I’m horrible.
My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance.
I know I now have 2 options to completely cut all contact or stay in contact and have this every 3 months. The thing is she is in her 80’s and whilst she is still fit and healthy (she has a boyfriend and goes out several times a week) but I do worry about her.
I see no end to it that way though as she never acknowledges her treatment of me. I’ve made her that way according to her.
I am at a loss what to do because the impact each time is worse and it’s starting to make me feel very depressed.
i do have a sibling who moved many hours away does very little fur her yet she constantly gushes about her to me.
i cannot see a way out of this.

You may as well cut her off completely. If you keep being told you do nothing for her when you do loads, what's the point? You might as well actually do nothing, since that's what she'll say anyway, and have a peaceful life!

Op, is there drink involved in the rants because that could complicate things hugely. Also you absolutely don’t have to have her for Christmas. If she won’t respect any boundaries then I’d go straight to NC.

I’d say you have choices eg go completely Nc and actually send her a cease and desist letter and literally tell her you don’t want to hear from her again and if she smears or is vile to you that you will report her to the police and social services. You can get a solicitor to draft this letter and send it but then you need to hardline. Lock SM down and get a ring doorbell and cease all contact for good. That’s it. Line in the sand.

or

You move further away from her and again don’t give her the address etc

She sounds like a horrible abuser and you can’t play with a sort of abusers as they are like poison seeping through any nook or cranny.

You say it’s difficult but the way you say it makes it sound like you are making excuses for not doing anything.
Why can’t you go low or no contact?
Why can’t you block her phone number?
Why do you feel unable to ignore her?

Clearly, it’s not your fault she’s the way she is, but the agency to change yourself and your responses is yours!

You H and DC are on your side. Why not sit down with them and let them help you establish a new way forward?

Regardless of whether you go low contact or no contact (I would advise NC) you DON'T have to have you over for Christmas day. She turns up? You say no and shut the door. And then you switch your phone off and keep it off for the whole day. If you do LC then you can continue when YOU are ready to.

But there will always be another time, another conversation, another put down, another criticism....and that's why you should just cut her off completely, for your own sanity. Do not let your fear of her rants, texts, judgment, name calling that will come if you go no contact put your off doing it. Don't look at the fall out you'll get tonorrow, next week, or next month.....look at where you'll be in 6 months, a year, 2 years. All those Sundays you'll have just enjoying family down time without her. Without being on edge. Without feeling inferior. Don't let the fear of what she might say to the neighbours put you off from making a decision that in 6 months time or 2 years time you will be so glad you made. The sooner you make that decision the sooner you get your peace back, the sooner you can start to blossom again, and the sooner you can enjoy your life.

And if I've not made this clear enough, she's an absolute WITCH.

No she hardly drinks. She doesn't need drink to have rants.

Thanks for all comments and suggestions.

Myself and my brothers went NC for the last twenty years. We buried her last week. None of us wept, just a sigh of relief. Apparently she informed the solicitors when she did her will two years ago that she was estranged from her children. We're not allowed to see her will, not allowed any of her possessions. You know what we don't want anything anyway.

Discovered my mother was a narcissist reading something years ago. There's no fixing that.

"15 Traits of Adult Children of Narcissists: 2026 Full Guide" https://www.happinesspsychiatrist.com/post/15-traits-adult-children-of-narcissists

My SIL phoned the police when she wouldn't leave the house.

My SIL got in her car with the children and waited for them to arrive.

Honestly, if things are that bad, I think you know what you need to do. It may seem unpleasant now but it sounds like you’ll be much better off in the long run. She doesn’t bring anything meaningfully positive to your existence by the sounds of things. And the odd day of not being unpleasant doesn’t count.

I agree with this OP. You bend over backwards and she tells her friends and the rest of the family that you do nothing. Make that a self-fulfilling prophecy by going completely no contact and stop doing anything for her. No invitations for Christmas, no buying her meals out. Spend your money on the people you love.

She sounds utterly ungrateful, toxic and cruel.

Think about what YOU want.

Probably to have her out of your life, but that’s probably too difficult for you to do.
Maybe once a fortnight or month you will call to see her. And that is it!!!
Block her messages.
Tell her that this what you have decided to do as she is so unpleasant to you. The end.

Dont go into justifying it, dont argue about what she has done in the past or does now.

Thats it - explain to your family what you are doing as there will probably be messages to them.

But thats it -shes old but she could have another 15 years - you’ve had enough already.

Moving 500 miles away would be good. Seriously you don't have to put up with this. Get a ring doorbell and don't answer her. Block her on the phone. If she carries on say I will not be treated like this I will speak to you when you can be more respectfull

Would you be able to go away with your family this Christmas? We did it a few years ago and it was lovely to have a peaceful family Christmas without the drama and sulking.

Apart from that I would set boundaries. Mute messages and check every other day. Meet up every other week in a public place. Who cares if she badmouths you to other people. Anyone that knows you and/or her will know what is going on. Let the words run off your back into the gutter- easier said than done!

We tried this last weekend not answering messages. She sent DS a message saying she was worried about me and asked if my DH would visit to discuss me (her attempt to make out I have a mental illness). DH refused.
She then came to house. DH answered the door and said I didn’t want to see her due to having had enough and name calling. She called him an Fing liar then stormed off.
Within 10 minutes I’d had a message saying I was a coward for getting DH to bully her ! This is what she is like. DH was not bullying her he was standing up for me by protecting my boundaries.

Most people know that when strangers start badmouthing family members to them, there is something not quite right about the person doing the badmouthing.
She's using your fear of looking like a bad daughter in the eyes of others to control you.
Really who cares what your neighbour thinks of you? Or her friends, what are they to you? You are a neglectful daughter, according to a nasty woman and some people you are vaguely connected to, if at all - so what? You know it's not a fair assessment of you. In fact you've let her bully you into a breakdown. Enough. Let your husband protect you. He's probably had enough of her aswell. Only you can drop the rope here.

I had a mum like this. She was vitriolic towards me… the oldest daughter. Everyone else dropped back, leaving me as the ‘doer’. What saved me was my husband who could jolly her along and make her laugh. He acted like a foil, taking the pressure off me and making sure fall outs were minimal and if mum and I did fall out he would be the person to go around, break the ice and smooth things over. We put a lot of her behaviour down to dementia but she was always aggressive with me so difficult to tell. She died at 92 with me (and others) at her bedside. I felt good about the fact we were on good terms at the time but admit to some relief. That’s awful I know.
My advice to you is what my husband told me… humour her, limit your visits/outings and treat yourself to something nice afterwards… a long bath with wine etc.
Sorry it is all down to you but if you can say to yourself when she is gone ‘I tried my best’ what else can you do 💐

Your DH is a star and has your back as have you DC block block block and tell her to either behave or bugger off to your Dsis who doesn't have to put up with the nasty cow.
Big hugs to you xx

You need to come up with a strategy and set responses to her behaviours, then stick to them.

• Never take her anywhere, so you can always leave the moment she gets nasty - meet her at places or visit her at her home.
• Come up with a standard 'I have to go now, bye' type response to use when on the phone or in person, she starts getting shitty. Keep it light but use it and hang up, or use it and immediately walk away.
• Don't waste time explaining yourself or expecting any recognition of her horrible behaviour.
• Ignore text messages if you are busy or if they are unpleasant. Just delete them.

You have to stick to this, the response to her behaviour has to be the same every time and happen within a few seconds of her behaviour or she will not make the connection.

Don't mistake this training tactic to CHANGE her ... it may change her behaviour to you in specific contexts, but it will not teach her she was wrong to be like this or make her a nicer person.

Make sure that everyone relevant (ie you DH) knows this is the plan and is on board with it.

I just want to mention that I had an abusive mother. I cut contact with her when I was in my 30s, and I have never regretted it. I was a massive relief.

She died 20 years ago and for the last 11 years of her life I was NC. She did not deserve a relationship with me and I did not deserve to be her emotional punchbag.

This is excellent advice.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship except a lot of stress? Nothing. Be kinder to yourself. Sounds as if you owe her nothing. You’ve giving enough.

Set really strong boundaries if you want to keep contact but use the stock phrases suggested by others and block contact whenever she’s horrible. Block her number on your children’s phones. Don’t answer the door or get your husband to answer and tell him to say she’s not welcome as she’s been horrible. Until she apologises she’s not welcome.

Message your sister and explain what’s going on and tell her not to get involved. Otherwise block her too.

Best option is to block both mother and sister entirely. Blocks for a few months and see how it is.

Guess there’s only the risk of losing an inheritance but maybe evidence all that you’ve done and appeal that?

I can very much relate. I have an elderly very difficult mother too and have always been the family scapegoat. I learned very early on that I could never please her and that my other siblings and even the children of her friends would always be 'better children' than me.

It can have a huge impact on one's mental health. And there's a huge conflict with that and still being expected to love and get along with our mothers no matter what.

Anyway, my hard earned knowledge, for what it's worth, is as follows:

The main thing that helps me is having very solid boundaries and 'rules'. I'm very tit for tat these days and treat her behaviour as if I'm dealing with a recalcitrant child. Consequences for her poor behaviour are also immediate.

My rules are as follows:

1. I never answer the phone to her. I let it go through to voice mail. I call when I'm ready. If she huffs and doesn't leave a message, I don't call her.
2. I visit her once a fortnight and I leave the instant she starts being unreasonable. I never stay longer than an hour in any case.
3. Whenever anyone (usually elderly flying monkeys) see me in the street and start saying 'your poor old Mum' to me I say, 'thanks for your concern, I certainly try to do my best, and please bear in mind that it's possible that you don't have the whole story.' They actually usually do get it. And if they don't, too bad. Then I change the subject or leave the conversation.
4. I default to never believing anything she says and verifying everything. (She hates that but she does lie or massage the truth constantly so it's necessary.)
5. I never allow my self to be triangulated with other siblings. My line with my mother is, always, 'well, shall we just call them to see what they say about it then?' That shuts things down really fast.
6. When she cries and calls me names and accuses me of various evil deeds, I shrug and say calmly 'that's your opinion, not the facts as I recall them'. And I leave.
7. If she is rude to me, I extend the duration between visits.
8. I only ever stick to 'pleasant' topics on her interests, eg. tv shows, who's died (!), local news, history etc.
9. I keep her on an almost complete information diet regarding my husband and children, none of whom wish to visit her.
10. I am very 'grey rock' (coolly professional, boring) with her and her few friends.

I could go on but you get the picture.

I have also been NC in the past and honestly that was bliss. However, I stepped back up to LC because my father (the enabler) died and she was struggling quite a bit. I've just outlined the above to indicate that LC is manageable but only if you have very strict guidelines and scripts for yourself. This saves you having to get stressed or think in your feet. It's still stressful though.

As somewhat of an aside, you would already know that longstanding patterns of dysfunctional behaviour are generally referred to as having personality disorders. Your mother is probably in the cluster B category if she's always been like this (I'm a psychologist and obviously can't diagnose someone I've never met but the signs are all there based on what you're saying.)

My point is: she is highly unlikely to ever change. It's you who has to change your strategies. And them stick to them come hell or high water. But be aware that when she sees you mean business she will ramp it right up. This means what you're doing is working and you do not abandon your strategies. In other words it gets worse before it gets better. She will try all sorts of tactics to get you to stop 'malfunctioning'. This is called an extinction burst. Do not reward any poor behaviour. If she behaves then be civil. But don't ever think she's changed.

Another point I'd add is that she appears to be able to 'behave' when it suits her and can probably also 'perform well' in public, which tells me that it's important for her to be seen as a 'good' person. She then also 'has to' smear and relatively downgrade you and make you 'the cause of all the problems' otherwise she'd be forced to take some accountability for her own actions. And this is very unlikely to happen. She is also quite selective in her targets. This is why I think her behaviours indicate a personality disorder rather than just early dementia. This is also why she frames you as being the one with MH problems. (Similarly, my mother also decided I have mental illness, that there was 'something wrong with' me mainly because I refused to go along with her manipulations.)

I could say so much more but won't make this any longer. I want to say I am so concerned at how beaten down you seem. I'm relieved and heartened that you have great support in your husband and son but I believe therapy would also really help you. In the meantime, can I suggest the following resources for you?

'But it's your family' by Dr Sherrie Campbell

and the Out of the Fog website.

Best of luck. This isn't easy. It can be one of the most difficult relationships in life. And people with happy families just don't get it, which can leave you feeling so alone. But you're not alone. Keep posting.

So she tells lies like this that you can positively PROVE to be lies - but you're believing her stories about the things her 'friends' say and do with their children?

She is full of it.