AIBU to consider cutting contact with my difficult elderly mother?

[Tiggermad]

I have written on here before but in a different name.
I have a very challenging relationship with my mother. She is in her 80’s.
I am in my 50’s am happily married with 2 adult dc in early twenties still living at home. I work full time in a very stressful but rewarding job in children’s Social care.
She was widowed over 10 years ago and was left a good inheritance as well as house paid off but no private pension. She had spent all of her inheritance in 4 years. So now lives off basic pension. She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing.
The thing is I now seem to have replaced him in terms of her expectations to keep her entertained and also to some extent financially. She expects me to constantly take her out for meals or shopping when I have very little time to myself. I am expected to pay for it all.
She seems to resent my happiness and success (I have done well in job but also financially we are not rich but fairly comfortable). I’ve worked hard to get where we are as a family.
Every few months she will do something to provoke a disagreement and this is always via messages. It will start with some sort of accusation. Eg if me and husband are going out for a meal for birthday she will ask why she is not coming and when I provide a reason then call me a liar. Insults and accusations of neglecting her then follow. I have done a lot for her in the past but if I say what I’ve done in defence of accusations she will say that’s just what daughters do.
When I try to explain reasons for things her name calling and insults escalate. She will say I am unlovable, cruel, neglectful, a selfish sod.
Eventually after about 4 weeks of this she will come round my house ask if we can be friends but refuse to talk about what happened. She is unable to talk about any disagreement in an adult way if I say we need to talk about it she will say can we not but if we did she will go hysterical and storm off. It will always be my fault. I provoked her.
The thing is each time it gets worse.
And it a never ending cycle. Each time more damage is done as I then feel resentful spending any time with her as I know it will lead to accusations of neglecting her in her old age when the disagreement happen. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Example I recently took her out for shopping and food and spent £50 on her and during one of her recent episodes she focused on the fact that whilst I bought her coffee and cake we shared a sandwich as I don’t each much at lunchtime and neither does she but she said she told her friends and they laughed at the sandwich. She will never pay towards anything she expects me to pay for any meals out etc which I don’t mind but then I’m accused of doing nothing after.
I feel she is cruel, unkind and never acknowledges any good I do.
When I pull back she says I’m a cruel, neglectful daughter and all her friends think I’m horrible.
My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance.
I know I now have 2 options to completely cut all contact or stay in contact and have this every 3 months. The thing is she is in her 80’s and whilst she is still fit and healthy (she has a boyfriend and goes out several times a week) but I do worry about her.
I see no end to it that way though as she never acknowledges her treatment of me. I’ve made her that way according to her.
I am at a loss what to do because the impact each time is worse and it’s starting to make me feel very depressed.
i do have a sibling who moved many hours away does very little fur her yet she constantly gushes about her to me.
i cannot see a way out of this.

Move away, go low contact and reclaim your life. What are you getting out of this? No use setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm who doesn't give a crap about you.

Change your number. Screen your calls if you have a landline. If she comes round don't open the door. Don't engage. There is no positive outcome and deep down you know it. Your sister will either step up or she won't. Your mum has made her bed and now she has to lie in it.
Just stop engaging, the longer you can hold out the easier it will be and eventually you will realise you haven't thought about her in days or weeks.

You should put your mental health first OP. She sounds impossible. Your DH and DC agree. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I had similar and sympathise.

When you have another sibling who is the golden princess nothing you do will ever be enough. You could bring her the moon and he stars in your hand and lay them before her but it would not matter. I speak from personal experience and learned to distance myself from my family. When I decided to go to uni mid life I made sure it was in another city and I never returned. Fortunately there were no smart phones then, only landlines. Numbers can be blocked.

You need to have a calm, frank talk with her.

I’m not the kind of person who could easily ditch someone, let alone a close relative.
But bloody hell, OP, your mother is awful and I wouldn’t blame you one bit!
96% YANBU says it all.
So sorry

I’m currently stuck in a similar cycle with my mother albeit the dynamic is different (golden child/scapegoat - I’m the latter). Now they seem intent on drawing our children into the same tradition but that’s where I draw the line.

The most recent snub by them was over a week ago now. No phone calls. No apology. We’re expected to just absorb it and pretend the situation is normal.

As regards expecting you to spend money on her, we’ve spent an awful lot on taking them out and hosting at Christmas etc but that was our choice - I can’t complain about that. My problem is that they can be nice sometimes, and it lulls you into a false sense of security then they do something shitty again. These incidents generally appear to be engineered by my brother to a large extent. They’re are coming up around every three months now - usually coinciding with a family event - and I’m sick and tired of it.

I’ve decided to match their energy. They come to our home town and don’t bother visiting - they came at Christmas last year and that was it. So no more initiating anything. No more phone calls and visits that only ever go one way.

I know how hurtful it is and I’m sorry that’s happening to you. I have to figure out a way to not let it get to me so much. I think that’s starts with accepting they were both pretty awful parents, now seem intent on being awful grandparents and I don’t need and will never get their approval. We can’t keep having this routine every couple of months. My children don’t gain anything through their relationship with them - it’s all rapidly becoming hugely detrimental so it has to end now.

Good luck to GB as their care needs increase is all I can say. He has had the perk of living rent free with them for decades. He’ll also have to step up to the responsibilities.

I honestly have never minded spending anything on her.
What is very hurtful is he constant claims of neglect and cruelty when I’ve had her for Christmas dinner, Mother's day, given money for food, paid for lots of things.

This is awful. It goes far, far beyond her being disagreeable or irritating. I don’t really know how to approach “cutting contact” but I honestly think you need to move in that direction. She is causing you a lot of unhappiness

OP, I could have written everything you have with the exception that I still have my Father. I totally understand your sadness, anger and mixed feelings towards your Mother. I feel very conflicted with how I feel about my Mother, I'm 63 now and only very recently have I made the decision to distance myself from her somewhat.

Only last week I walked out of a pub when she began some of her antics, simply stood up and said 'I'm not doing this today' and left. I've had radio silence since (bliss).

I know they will be in touch soon because they need my help with somethings, I will continue the help because I feel that my sense of humanity is strong enough to see me through and I want and like the relationship I have with my Father which is important to me.

I will stand my ground though, I'm just not taking anymore of her nasty shit and that is final.

I wish you much love and understanding, protect your children from the poison and take care of yourself. Remember that this won't go on forever and do what will give you peace when she is finally gone.

I have completely broken down today to my husband as I know I can’t continue with this. I’m permanently on edge.
She has started a smear campaign against me as she told my neighbour that I’ve neglected her.

I fear I most likely have many more years of this as she is early 80’s and she is very fit and healthy. She goes out several nights a week.
Her family have longevity in females her Grandmother lived until 101.
Unfortunately I know I’m stuck with this for many years.
i dread her birthday which is soon, and any events like Christmas. I actually don’t want her here at all.

My mum is similar - dad left her about 30 years ago. For the first 5 years, all her bitterness was targeted at him. Now it's all focused on me. My mum also lives 5 minutes away which makes it a bit easier as I can see her for very short amounts of time.
She can't tolerate any event where I am the centre of attention (things like my wedding, birthdays, any success) - she has to insert herself and make it about her. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness. Her first response wasn't to ask how I was, but to lecture me on how my illness was affecting her and what I should be doing differently to make her life easier.
I tried many times to talk to her about the impact of her behaviour, but she won't listen. She's not interested.

I am now LC and gray rock. Covid was a game changer as contact was reduced, and I made sure it never restarted.
What I learned was it doesn't matter what I do, she will always be unhappy with me. So I might as well do what I want as the outcome will be the same.

Just to say I have tried going LC. It just doesn't work as she creeps back in gradually or turns up at my house asking me to fix her Mobile.
Or some other crisis, washing machine broke, house flooded, mobile cut off because she hasn’t paid the bill, locked herself out. Each time I’m there to help her put only for the cycle to begin again.
After these instances she will love bomb me but I know it’s superficial as she can turn on me in an instant.
im not allowed to ever say if I feel hurt or upset by her this leads to a character assassination.
I’m this, I’m that.
So LC just doesn’t work.

Well judging by your last few comments, I think you have to look after yourself and go NC.

@TiggermadMy parents have never had an expectation of money being spent on them - not a vocalised one anyway - although hosting Christmas etc gets expensive. Well it won’t be anymore.

That must be really crappy - especially when you treat her and get it thrown back in your face. I think you just have to accept the fact that whatever you do for her it will never be enough.

My parents don’t say unkind things. They do them instead. The latest was me packing my children up in the car for an arranged visit (3 hour car trip) only to be told my father had gone out somewhere with my cousin. There’s a huge track record of favouritism where the cousin has his own room there - they have never even made a sandwich for mine. Apparently it was unfair of me to blame her and we were all expected to act like nothing had happened. I rang before we set out - she didn’t say a thing! My poor kids’ faces. So we just left.

There will be no acknowledgment and certainly no apology. When they feel like it they’ll ring like nothing has happened expecting to carry on as normal.

The last one was excluding us from a family meal and telling us about it before and after and even sending us photos of the during! As my partner says, by all means go out without us but they didn’t have to keep rubbing my nose in it.

I think there’s an expectation on both of us to compensate for their crappy behaviour and I just won’t do it anymore. Breaking this pattern is hard but I refuse to have one more important date overshadowed by some weird, totally unjustified incident that just puts a dampener on everything. It’s getting to be every 3 months or so something pops up and im sick of sitting waiting for it.

Oh lovely girl, I so feel for you.

You're describing yourself from HER point of view "I can't end this" and "I'm stuck with this forever". You need to feel empowered (a word which is a million miles away from where you are right now) that YOU are allowed to change that. YOU are allowed to decide for yourself "No, I am NOT going to accept this situation forever" and "I don't deserve this, and I'm strong, and it's ME who gets to choose". The way you're currently talking is the voice of someone who has spent years being down trodden and belittled and abused by a nasty, spiteful, insecure excuse for a woman, let alone a mother. You are NOT your Mother's opinion of you, you can be so much more. Stronger. And braver. And determined. And just not prepared to put up with that shit. You deserve better, and its YOU who gets to choose that. Choose happiness. And peace. And self-assurance. And not feeling on edge. And confidence. And trusting your own decisions. Choose YOU and cut her off. She has chosen time and time again how she treats you. And now YOU get to choose.

Good luck.

"All my friends think you're horrible."

Isn't this just the older person's version of 'everyone else's mum lets them...' In other words a huge fib?

Thank you this post really moved me.
lovely words. I know it’s all so true.

First rely nails it really. Keeps the line of communication open and solves a lot of the problems. Take back control and don't let her emotionally blackmail. You're in your 50s OP. That's a lot of your life left to regret cutting contact completely

I will try however I have tried LC. It just doesn't work.
ill still have to have her on Christmas Day and other occasions only to be then told I do nothing for her, followed by lots of name calling.
What she wants is a relationship all on her terms where I get nothing, not even basic respect.
Unless I’m taking her out buying her meals I’ll always get abuse.

Better boundaries if low contact doesnt work. Op my mother makes demands too. I call at wend thats my limit. You be exhausted from it all though..

I have blocked her all weekend and it’s been very peaceful.
she usually bombards me of a weekend and when I mentioned this last weekend she said it’s because I ruin her weekends by not taking her out like her friends daughters do. She should be sitting in my garden with a drink like all her friends daughters are. Maybe they have nice mothers who don’t calm them names.
As if I am going to spend my weekends with someone who constantly attacks me but she will never see that.

I would be strongly tempted to limit contact with your mother - I "divorced" mine in similar circumstances! - but I would make sure your sister knows you have done this too. She isn't just your responsibility.

Block her and if she comes to your door tell her to get lost. I did and I havent regretted it once