I can very much relate. I have an elderly very difficult mother too and have always been the family scapegoat. I learned very early on that I could never please her and that my other siblings and even the children of her friends would always be 'better children' than me.
It can have a huge impact on one's mental health. And there's a huge conflict with that and still being expected to love and get along with our mothers no matter what.
Anyway, my hard earned knowledge, for what it's worth, is as follows:
The main thing that helps me is having very solid boundaries and 'rules'. I'm very tit for tat these days and treat her behaviour as if I'm dealing with a recalcitrant child. Consequences for her poor behaviour are also immediate.
My rules are as follows:
- I never answer the phone to her. I let it go through to voice mail. I call when I'm ready. If she huffs and doesn't leave a message, I don't call her.
- I visit her once a fortnight and I leave the instant she starts being unreasonable. I never stay longer than an hour in any case.
- Whenever anyone (usually elderly flying monkeys) see me in the street and start saying 'your poor old Mum' to me I say, 'thanks for your concern, I certainly try to do my best, and please bear in mind that it's possible that you don't have the whole story.' They actually usually do get it. And if they don't, too bad. Then I change the subject or leave the conversation.
- I default to never believing anything she says and verifying everything. (She hates that but she does lie or massage the truth constantly so it's necessary.)
- I never allow my self to be triangulated with other siblings. My line with my mother is, always, 'well, shall we just call them to see what they say about it then?' That shuts things down really fast.
- When she cries and calls me names and accuses me of various evil deeds, I shrug and say calmly 'that's your opinion, not the facts as I recall them'. And I leave.
- If she is rude to me, I extend the duration between visits.
- I only ever stick to 'pleasant' topics on her interests, eg. tv shows, who's died (!), local news, history etc.
- I keep her on an almost complete information diet regarding my husband and children, none of whom wish to visit her.
- I am very 'grey rock' (coolly professional, boring) with her and her few friends.
I could go on but you get the picture.
I have also been NC in the past and honestly that was bliss. However, I stepped back up to LC because my father (the enabler) died and she was struggling quite a bit. I've just outlined the above to indicate that LC is manageable but only if you have very strict guidelines and scripts for yourself. This saves you having to get stressed or think in your feet. It's still stressful though.
As somewhat of an aside, you would already know that longstanding patterns of dysfunctional behaviour are generally referred to as having personality disorders. Your mother is probably in the cluster B category if she's always been like this (I'm a psychologist and obviously can't diagnose someone I've never met but the signs are all there based on what you're saying.)
My point is: she is highly unlikely to ever change. It's you who has to change your strategies. And them stick to them come hell or high water. But be aware that when she sees you mean business she will ramp it right up. This means what you're doing is working and you do not abandon your strategies. In other words it gets worse before it gets better. She will try all sorts of tactics to get you to stop 'malfunctioning'. This is called an extinction burst. Do not reward any poor behaviour. If she behaves then be civil. But don't ever think she's changed.
Another point I'd add is that she appears to be able to 'behave' when it suits her and can probably also 'perform well' in public, which tells me that it's important for her to be seen as a 'good' person. She then also 'has to' smear and relatively downgrade you and make you 'the cause of all the problems' otherwise she'd be forced to take some accountability for her own actions. And this is very unlikely to happen. She is also quite selective in her targets. This is why I think her behaviours indicate a personality disorder rather than just early dementia. This is also why she frames you as being the one with MH problems. (Similarly, my mother also decided I have mental illness, that there was 'something wrong with' me mainly because I refused to go along with her manipulations.)
I could say so much more but won't make this any longer. I want to say I am so concerned at how beaten down you seem. I'm relieved and heartened that you have great support in your husband and son but I believe therapy would also really help you. In the meantime, can I suggest the following resources for you?
'But it's your family' by Dr Sherrie Campbell
and the Out of the Fog website.
Best of luck. This isn't easy. It can be one of the most difficult relationships in life. And people with happy families just don't get it, which can leave you feeling so alone. But you're not alone. Keep posting.