AIBU to consider cutting contact with my difficult elderly mother?

[Tiggermad]

I have written on here before but in a different name.
I have a very challenging relationship with my mother. She is in her 80’s.
I am in my 50’s am happily married with 2 adult dc in early twenties still living at home. I work full time in a very stressful but rewarding job in children’s Social care.
She was widowed over 10 years ago and was left a good inheritance as well as house paid off but no private pension. She had spent all of her inheritance in 4 years. So now lives off basic pension. She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing.
The thing is I now seem to have replaced him in terms of her expectations to keep her entertained and also to some extent financially. She expects me to constantly take her out for meals or shopping when I have very little time to myself. I am expected to pay for it all.
She seems to resent my happiness and success (I have done well in job but also financially we are not rich but fairly comfortable). I’ve worked hard to get where we are as a family.
Every few months she will do something to provoke a disagreement and this is always via messages. It will start with some sort of accusation. Eg if me and husband are going out for a meal for birthday she will ask why she is not coming and when I provide a reason then call me a liar. Insults and accusations of neglecting her then follow. I have done a lot for her in the past but if I say what I’ve done in defence of accusations she will say that’s just what daughters do.
When I try to explain reasons for things her name calling and insults escalate. She will say I am unlovable, cruel, neglectful, a selfish sod.
Eventually after about 4 weeks of this she will come round my house ask if we can be friends but refuse to talk about what happened. She is unable to talk about any disagreement in an adult way if I say we need to talk about it she will say can we not but if we did she will go hysterical and storm off. It will always be my fault. I provoked her.
The thing is each time it gets worse.
And it a never ending cycle. Each time more damage is done as I then feel resentful spending any time with her as I know it will lead to accusations of neglecting her in her old age when the disagreement happen. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Example I recently took her out for shopping and food and spent £50 on her and during one of her recent episodes she focused on the fact that whilst I bought her coffee and cake we shared a sandwich as I don’t each much at lunchtime and neither does she but she said she told her friends and they laughed at the sandwich. She will never pay towards anything she expects me to pay for any meals out etc which I don’t mind but then I’m accused of doing nothing after.
I feel she is cruel, unkind and never acknowledges any good I do.
When I pull back she says I’m a cruel, neglectful daughter and all her friends think I’m horrible.
My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance.
I know I now have 2 options to completely cut all contact or stay in contact and have this every 3 months. The thing is she is in her 80’s and whilst she is still fit and healthy (she has a boyfriend and goes out several times a week) but I do worry about her.
I see no end to it that way though as she never acknowledges her treatment of me. I’ve made her that way according to her.
I am at a loss what to do because the impact each time is worse and it’s starting to make me feel very depressed.
i do have a sibling who moved many hours away does very little fur her yet she constantly gushes about her to me.
i cannot see a way out of this.

Well holidays can be managed by telling her you are on a digital detox and archiving her messages/ ignoring her calls. Your sister can pick up any urgent issues.

The rest is difficult but she won’t change so resetting your own boundaries is unfortunately your only option if you want some peace.

OP, don’t factor any possible inheritance into your responses. It will probably all go on care home fees as you won’t be looking after her when she can’t look after herself.

Could you basically issue her with an ultimatum?

’Any more of this unpleasantness where you call me X, Y and Z and claim I never do [whatever] and that will be the end of our relationship.’

‘I am not spending Christmas with someone who talks about me like this.’

Something along those lines? I’m thinking in terms of how we can deal with badly behaved DC.

You can set out your expectations of what your relationship should look like. If she kicks off, I would tell her that she is choosing not to have a respectful relationship with me and I will entertain no other kind of relationship.

I’ve tried all of this it works for about 2 months then she reverts to usual self.

Why on earth would you spend any of the festive period with her.

Well if you can't quite face cutting her off all in one go, repeat the ultimatum, and when she does revert back then just say "I said I would not tolerate this kind of relationship and I meant it", blank her, mute her, and grey rock ("I have explained why") on repeat.

Basically it's in her ha ds whether she cuts herself off or not..it is 100% reasonable to refuse to be treated this way. She knows perfectly well how to behave if she wants you in her life. Just be consistent clear and unmoving. And let her choose.

I can see how that would make you despair, but could you go in hard with it again the minute she starts on you and cut off contact for a while? And only when it suits you, contact her and remind her of your expectations?

Again, I am reminded of dealing with DC. I have had to remove mobile phones more than once, unfortunately. Some lessons seem to take several goes to learn.

Another thing she had done and also still does is to message my DC and say she is worried about me. Worried about my mental health. They ignore her messages as I’ve told them I don’t want them involved.
ive been sent messages saying I. Need to seek help. Ic my husband loved me he’d get me help.
ive been sent messages saying im nuts, a loon, no one likes me, my husband only tolerated me as he’s scared of me. This is by my sister as well.
This is when I am trying to defend myself and explain how I’ve been made to feel. And also saying what I do do for her.
i make sure I don’t do name calling. So I don’t stoop to their level.
My husband told my mother to leave me alone after she called at our house at the weekend until she can stop calling me names.
Within 5 minutes I’d received a message to say I was a coward to get my husband to bully her. It’s never ending. I’d done no such thing my husband is fed up of it al and hates the way she treats me.

It’s very hard with ageing parents and I understand your reluctance to go completely non contact. Going forward don’t engage with the messages. Reply to the first one with “I’m sorry you feel this way “ and then ignore any further messages and put her on mute. If you don’t engage there is no fuel to feed her aggression and she can’t argue with silence beyond complaining. Unfortunately by trying to defend yourself / justify yourself you are giving her an angle to come back to you and feeding her nastiness. Drop the taking her out / lunching and shopping for a while and consider muting / blocking her number on your DC phones so they can’t be dragged into the arguments and perceived slights. Nothing you can say to her is going to change her behaviour but you can change how you respond to her.

It sounds like you would benefit from stronger boundaries, if she's getting the opportunity to revert to her usual self.

"I said I wouldn't spend time with you if you are nasty to me. You've just been nasty to me so I'm going home now. Goodbye."

"Don't pick a fight with me over text."
"You've just picked a fight with me over text, so I'm blocking your mobile phone number now."

"Yes we can go out for lunch together, providing that you pay for your own.
(My friends say you're mean...)
"I don't care mum. We can go for lunch if you'll pay your way. If not, then I am not going to pay for you."

I've told your sister and she thinks you're mean
"I don't care. This is what I'm willing to do/what I'm not willing to accept. Take or leave it."

You ALL need to block her number. Have it so that she can only ring, and only ring YOU. And if she rings and starts with the nastyness, cut her off by talking over her: "No mum you're not allowed to talk to me or my family like that any more. We can talk when you're willing to behave nicely (CLICK)." Don't get drawn into it, just state that you're not willing to listen to her being nasty and hang up immediately. Do it EVERY time it happens. If it happens in the middle of a meal out with her, get up and leave her there.

Tell your sister to stop passing on the bitchy dramatic comments, and if she doesn't then she gets blocked too. Include social media and keep just one line of communication available, (e.g. phone from a landline) with the proviso that they bloody well behave themselves or that gets blocked to. And follow through.

If you want to keep contact I’d start with your boundaries. What’s she expects vs what you’re prepared to do. If she asks you a question by text you know will lead to her being nasty don’t reply until later. If you starts telling you you’re cruel etc don’t respond. Cut off the oxygen and deal with your feelings. She knows she gets to you it’s a chink in your armour and she’ll use that at every opportunity.

Would you have a friend like your mum? Just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean you have to put up with any kind of abuse. Draw your line in the sand and look after your own wellbeing.

Your DM should claim this
It is not means tested
She can use it to pay for anything to make her life easier

Attendance allowance

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Agree with this 100%
This is emotional abuse.

Op, she's clearly nasty, entitled and possibly high in narcissistic traits but she's in her 80s so the chances of her turning over a new leaf are slim to none. You can't control her behaviour but you can change your reaction to it. For starters, you need to put rigidly enforced boundaries in place. When she starts verbally abusing you, hang up the 'phone immediately or don't reply to her texts. Don't engage. You're not her verbal punchbag and you don't owe her an explanation. Go no contact for X number of days as a consequence of her behaviour.

Keep your birthday/other plans to yourself. If she asks what your plans are just say you've not decided yet or you just fancy a quiet night in. Present your life as dull and boring. Don't give her ammunition.

She's your mother and she's elderly but this doesn't mean you have to tolerate her crappy behaviour. Blood isn't always thicker than water. Listen to your DH and your children and put your mental health and your happiness first. She has a boyfriend and friends to take her shopping and have meals with.

As for your sister, your mother is triangulating. Don't engage with the 'flying monkeys' she sends in your direction to do her dirty work for her.

I got a mental health diagnosis of my mother by proxy as she refused to go anywhere near doctor.
A lot of what you describe is what she did. Dementia.
Ironically I was offered a course of counselling myself that I gratefully accepted

I think she had some form of dementia but why is this only targeted towards me. Has been for years . At least since 2020 and is exactly the same time she had spent all of her inheritance and I was promoted at work.
She isn’t like it at all with Sister who lives 4 hours away and hasn’t visited in 4 years. She sends her money, messages daily but that’s it.
Ive been here sorting issues at her house, Christmas Day, Mother’s day, regular outings, meals, shopping yet all I get is abuse.
It’s too targeted and deliberate.

Honestly block her. You ate under absolutely no obligation to accept this kind of treatment. She needs a restraining order, it's harassment.

With all the history, and how she was with your dad, it does sound like narcissism. I have seen / heard very similar with others. Have you thought about getting counselling for yourself?

Block her. Seriously, your like will become so much easier.

BTW you have said you do things, like telling her if this all continues you will break ties with her, but then says it only last 2 months and she's back to treating you like shit - its at this point you should be blocking her.

I think I understand how you feel. She sounds like my mother.

It took me nearly forty years to realise I was wasting my time and feeling like shit trying to please her, because she was determined not to be pleased. She wanted me to feel like I wasn't good enough, because she wanted me to keep trying harder and harder without her having to show any gratitude or acknowledgement of my efforts.

Eventually, ten years ago, I decided to stop trying. Our relationship didn't get better, but it didn't get worse either. She tried to guilt-trip me because I wasn't at her beck and call any more, but eventually she realised it wasn't working and she gave up.

I see her once or twice a year now and our meetings are a lot easier, because she knows as soon as she calls me a "selfish bitch", or an "ungrateful cow", I will walk out and she won't see or hear from me for another six months.

You keep doing everything for her when she treats you appallingly. Maybe she doesn't think she would get away with that with your DSis.
Maybe she does have dementia. But you said she didn't treat your dad well, so it does sound like she is an unkind person who likes an emotional punchbag.

You respond, ans she gets her emotional supply. Your sister probably doesn't, hence she solicits her attention with nice things.

She sounds awful, OP, and nothing you have tried so far has worked.

I'd go no contact - block her number, don't let her in your house. She is extremely abusive and there's nothing positive in the relationship. I'm sorry - it must be so hard, but you have your own family who love and care for you. Let them be your support now.