AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

[bagpuss90]

Please be kind here… My friend is going through a mental health crisis , she lives miles away from me - so I can’t support her in person. She refuses to seek any professional help. She calls me several times a day -even when I’m at work, crying , sobbing , saying she can’t go on. I’m in a much better place than she is - so I do my best to support her- she doesn’t really have anyone else to turn to. I was away for a few days last week and I can honestly say it ruined my break. If I step back - I’m honestly worried she will do something. But it’s pulling me down so much - it’s really startIng to impact on my mental health . The last thing I want to do is desert her tho but I think I’m going to have to put some boundaries in place Any ideas?

There's no point in setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm as the saying goes.

Your own Health and wellbeing is affected by her constant demands. You should tell her, gently but firmly, that she must get professional help, call the Samaritans, but not ring you at all hours.

Perhaps give her a set time when you will be available on the phone for a while?

But this cannot go on. If she breaks you, who will.she ring then?

Yes, of course. Tell her you can’t take calls during the working day for a start, and give her one specific short time slot during which you are available. Encourage her to seek professional help.

I meant to add - I’m really starting to resent her

Of course you are, she's using you and being extremely unfair.

I'd try first gently but firmly pushing back with a set time you can speak, if you want to.

If that doesn't work out or you actually don't like her anymore, you are not responsible for her, you can walk away.

What an awful situation - particularly as it sounds like she's driven everyone else away with her selfishness and neediness and so you are left being the only one who will take her calls. However, you are not in a position to support her - you're not a qualified professional, you have a job and a life of your own she cannot expect you to put those on hold to support her whenever she wants.

So firstly, I would tell her that you are unable to do anything to help her and that she must call her GP and make an urgent appointment on Monday and that is non-negotiable. Then secondly I would tell her that you cannot keep taking her calls when you are at work or away on holiday and that you'll be putting your phone on Do Not Disturb and that she should call The Samaritans at those times if she is desperate. You can always screen your voice messages while your phone is on DND and call the emergency services if you need to. Perhaps having an ambulance arrive at her place will be the wake up call she needs and/or get her engaged with MH services?

Curious what you mean by refusing to seek professional help?
If this is actually strictly true, she needs to seek help, not just turn to you.
I'm wondering if she's actually already sought help and it's been so distressing and fruitless she's not repeatedly trying?
A lot of posters will tell you she needs to seek professional help, so it's important to know where she actually stands with that.

I don't blame you for starting to resent her. I would set some boundaries. Ideally I'd be honest and tell her that you will only be available at X time and never available at Y time. If you can't be honest then making up some sort of neutral excuse is the next best thing.

Sometimes people do need to be told that what they are expecting is beyond that of a friendly listening ear. Always remember that you are not responsible for solving this OP.

Of course you are. So put boundaries in place to prevent that resentment getting worse, and her behaviour making your life even more problematic. She’s clearly out of her mind, so you need to be the well-balanced person for both of you.

Getting MH support is really difficult but she’s being unfair relying on you.

She can call or email Samaritans although email takes about 24 hours to respond.

SHOUT is good, you text them. They do get busy though.

Some areas have MH drop in sessions for support depending on where she is.

@bagpuss90 the next time she calls you saying she cant go on call the police where she lives and report what she has said as a welfare concern. You cant help her in any other way as she needs professional help and the police will take her to a safe place and get her the help she needs.

Do this, it is fine not to answer messages /calls when you are work, you are not responsible for her wellbeing to this extent.

This!

I know it’s really hard to pull back, but you need to or she is going to bring you down with her.

If you genuinely think she will do something - it wouldn’t be your fault. If she is saying anything to give you that impression it’s even more reason to back off asap.

if you have a welfare concern for her call the police.

limit your availability. If she has no one else that’s not your concern, and not a reason to sacrifice yourself. There does come a point where you’re doing more harm than good, it sounds like you might be there.

She clearly needs professional help, but that doesn't mean OP can't do anything. In you felt you couldn't go on, would you want your friends to just leave you to the professionals rather than support alongside? Professionals don't have a magic wand, people still need human connection and comfort.

If someone absolutely refuses to help themselves and is ruining their friend's life too, where does it end? Nobody owes someone else comfort at the expense of their own wellbeing.

Sorry but this is very unfair. OP is already at her beck and call now and guess what- it's not working is it? if OP dropping everything to counsel this woman was working then it wouldnt be happening on a daily basis. This person needs proper mental health professional intervention. Friends cannot provide that and its deeply unfair to suggest they are responsible for fixing it

Whatever I suggest to her - it’s wrong

This is not on the op, the friend needs to leave the op out of it and let the op have a life and stop interfering with work

The op is not her therapist

She has - ish sought help in the past - but never followed through with it

This is exactly it - she’s driven everyone else away 😩

I have a close friend like this who won't do CBT won't do group work etc etc so I just shut her down and say happy to craft crochet and chat shit but I'm not a therapist and it's too draining emotionally. We have strong boundaries and it works well. Her husband actually says it's good for her as it forces her to take breaks from herself.

How long have you known her OP and has she ever actually been well? It sounds more like she’s latched onto you than like a reciprocal friendship. Has it always been like this or was there a time when you had a proper friendship? I’d respond differently based on this.

I have in the past called the police to do a welfare check. If I did it now she would know it was me and trust me she wouldn’t take it well

What about her parents / family? Where are they?

You’ve already admitted it is effecting your mental health now. You know the saying, you have to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.

Well, it’s going to be hard, but you need to have an honest conversation with her to say how you’re feeling. Let you know you’re thinking of her but will be available to talk at X time. She then has two choices, she accepts your support and stops harassing you constantly or she ignores your request.

It sounds like your friendship is breaking anyway so you have nothing to lose.