Class reshuffle - dd with no friends

[tireddotcomm]

Hi All, would appreciate your thoughts on this situation and how to deal with it. Dd is 9 and going into year 5 in September.

At her school, they are 2 form entry and always shuffle classes at year 3 and year 5. There are approx 18 children in each class. I was not worried about this at all, trust the teachers decisions and new D’s would be fine as long as she had 1 or 2 friends in her class, just like she was when they shuffled them previously at beginning of year 3.

Lists were circulated to parents today and I was so shocked to see that she has been separated from every single one of her friends. All 7 girls that she views as her friends are in the other class. I appreciate it is a difficult job and there are a multitude of things to consider - mix of gender, ability etc. along with positive working relationships but to not place her with a single friend seems to be hard to justify. While the 7 other girls will now have shared experiences and strengthen their bond, dd will naturally, without intention necessarily, end up being excluded. It is left to the parents to inform their children and, unsurprisingly, dd is inconsolable despite me trying to be as positive as possible about it.

The classes are not split equally by gender with 7 girls in dds class and 10 in the other & there are 2 more children in the other class so they won’t be able to simply move her over, there would need to be further changes involving other children and so cannot see them changing it now.

I have asked for a meeting to discuss this with the class teacher and head. As I said, she would have been happy with just 1 of these friends in her class but has not one. DH who normally wouldn’t have an opinion on these types of things is equally shocked. I feel totally let down by the school & have lost trust in them if they think this could be in best interests of any child.

The children were not asked to write down names of 3 children they’d be happy to be in a class with like other schools do. What do you think? AIBU? Should I suck it up and let this go or pursue it? Is there any chance of them changing their minds anyway? Thank yoj

This happened to my son in year 4. I remember feeling really stressed about it, and spoke to school but they wouldn't change anything.

Once school started, son wasn't actually bothered. He still saw his other friends at playtime and although he didn't become close friends with anyone in his new class, he did chat with other kids in class and wasn't made to feel excluded

I do remember him sitting on his own on a coach trip once due to not having a partner, as he wasn't really close to one other child, which again I was (secretly) upset about, but he wasn't bothered.

A number of years have now passed since this school year, and reading your thread reminded me of how big deal this felt for me at the time, but it was actually ok and certainly didn't have an impact on my son.

Just continue to stay positive to daughter and remind he she can see other friends at playtime, after school and weekends and will also become friendly with other kids in her new class

There is one girls who has been placed in the other class when all her friends are in dds class so I will suggest that swap. The things is, I can’t see how having all 8 girls in one class is conducive to a fab work ethic in class which is why I’m surprised they haven’t split them more evenly.

Strangely, it is. I also find this very unusual.

I work in yr5. In my school you wouldn't necessarily be told about the reasons in advance but these things are generally done for a good reason. Maybe her friends are not a good influence on her. Either way, have the meeting and maybe have some faith in the teacher's decision.

You’re talking to a teacher so actually I do know a little bit about these processes myself and would never put any child in this position!

This happened to my son in P7, they'd had the same classes since P2 so it felt all the worse to do it the year before secondary and the classes had never mixed until then. Fortunately there was a boy in the other class who this also happened to and we managed to negotiate a straight swap with the school.

I'm usually quite laid back about these things too. But my son was devastated and was not sleeping etc, really unlike him. I got him to write a letter to the head explaining how it made him feel and he included thing like child's right to friendship, quoting the UNCRC (they are a gold level respecting school.)

It all worked out well in the end, he's in S5 now and still close friends with that core group of boys, which makes me know we did the right thing in challenging it.

Do kick up a fuss. This kind of thing happened to me when I was a similar age and it properly screwed up my friendship network. Also at yr 5 it has the potential to affect her going into secondary school when having some solid established networks is just super helpful.

Happened to DD1 in KS1 - didn't improve till KS2 when school had for them unwanted influx of extra kids - and DD1 found some mates from them. It took us moving for work to get her away from the low level bullying one girl in her class - that was always excused by school.

DS opposite - we had to really insist he be moved from a boy who was essentially winding him up till he exploded - they insisted it wasn't neccassry predicted dire consquences - DS was so much happier all the issue with school went. They did admit that later it was the right choice.

I had it at secondary - it was streamed but another class in to stream we rarely interacted in had two close friends from primary in. Never really got better even with GCSE mixes if there were two classes always semmed put in other away from friends for no good reason - was always told to get on with it.

I would try and get school to re-think.

It’s really hard job for teachers to split classes and there’s always going to be issues but it does seem very unfair on your daughter to be split from all her friends and for them all to be in the other class.

This happened to me going in to year 6 when I’d only joined the school in year 3 (moved 300 miles) and struggled to make friends. I was moved away from everyone I had managed to make friends with in my new school. It was utterly horrendous. I went from being happy and confident (before we moved) to quiet and withdrawn. I hated school.

I had a similar experience in secondary school - in Y7 and Y8 lots of teachers were very keen on extended group projects (think half a term). And for some reason, multiple teachers would put all my friends together and me in a random group with combinations of girls I wasn't friends with / didn't get on with and badly behaved boys.

I hated it and it had the result of me being completely pushed out of that group. Maybe I was already on the edge, but multiple classes where my friends got to sit together and chat while I was stuck in a different group felt awful.

@tireddotcomm OP if the school try to fob you off with some complimentary noises about your daughter's ability to get on with others or social skills or huw she will thrive in any environment, please push back. It's not fair on your daughter to be expected to suck this up (for no apparent reason) when no-one else is put in the same position.

This happened to my middle child twice.
We were part of a large school. Three classes for each year and twice he ended up with no friends in his class, first year we had him brush it off and he made new friends and met up with the old ones at playtime.
Second time I spoke to the teacher, her answer was he was so easy going and helped with the kids who weren't doing well/difficult. So I went into he heads office and sat down. Told him to move my child to a class with a few of his friends, he isn't a TA or support worker for difficult children. Two years in a row with none of his friends was taking advantage and I was going to go to the governors if we can't sort this out. They sorted it fast and never did it to him again.

You speak with an authority you don't have - the OP clearly stated that the school doesn't decide based on academic level and actually ensures a mix of all abilities on each class.
Maybe read the thread through before coming in to "clear things up"?

Some of these posts are so sad. Kick up a fuss, OP!

One of mine has been split like this before in Y2 - I don’t kick up a fuss because my child didn’t seem bothered but they were the only one not with the core group.

The positive I found was to see who were actually the “true” friends, If forgotten about at break and lunch I think not worth encouraging the friendship, also like at work you sometimes have to be around people who are not friends and get on with it so I saw it as a life skill. I also personally think it’s best not sticking with the same lot all through primary and floating about more to avoid things causing heartbreak later on.

I hate this. My son was moved classes every year between reception and y3. He’d make friends then be moved away from them by the time he got back in the class a year later bonds were already secured and he was left with no friends, targeted and bullied. I moved him out of the school at the start of this year (there were many, many failings at this school) and he is thriving.

Good luck op

That’s really shit of the school. In DC’s primary they shuffled after Reception and that was that. There used to be some movement as some kids left after infants to go private or they’d be a bullying issue in a class so a child had to be moved (3 form entry).
You’re doing the right thing speaking to the teacher and Head - they need to explain their reasoning as well.

Thanks so much everyone. This has been so helpful as has confirmed I am not being unreasonable and I absolutely need to advocate for Dd on this. There are some really sad stories on here about the impact similar has had on children - I’m so sorry. I’ll update with how I get on!!

As another poster has said, do approach it with an open mind.
I would definitely speak to them about it, and ask for them to clarify how they chose which children went in which class and why your DD appears to be separated from her friends.

I would say be aware that there might be things that you weren't aware about - I certainly don't know all the goings on with my DD who is in year 5 regarding friends, but I have also asked the school on occasion to keep her away from other girls like for residential as I know they are not always kind (but she doesn't know I have spoken to teachers about this), so maybe there have been some issues you are unaware of/parents have specifically asked for a split.

I'm a teacher and responsible for the year 5 shuffle.
We always ask kids to make a list, four namess from current class, two from other class and we do our utmost to put everyone with at least one of their choices.

If you are a teacher OP then will know that there are a million different factors that go into making these lists and sometimes it's just impossible to keep friendships together because different criteria take priority.

The fact that the class sizes are uneven suggests that there is an issue in this year group.

However I think you are entirely reasonable to speak to school and explain your DDs feelings.

I think reasonable to question this now, six weeks or so before the end of term, and highlight the 7 girls in one class and 10 in another.

We had 4 classes, 3 with a pretty much even split of boys and girls, and 1 class with 14 boys and 7 girls. Nobody ever really explained that one.

I work in a 2 form entry school and we also mix up the classes but at the end of Y2 and Y4. We don’t ask the children who they’d like to be with - it’s not based on who’s friends with who. It’s based on a balance of ability, SEN and behaviour. So no class has all the brightest pupils or all the children with SEN. Sometimes, friendship groups are split up if those groups are not conducive to learning.
We also would NOT send class lists home with all children’s names on - that’s a massive GDPR issue.
Having said that, if a parent did have a concern, we would be open to reconsideration following a discussion with that parent.

How did you get on, OP?

I managed to speak to the school today and laid out all of our concerns to them very clearly. To be fair, I think they took these on board and understood where we. Are coming from and could see how strongly we feel about it. They actually weren’t able to give any valid reasons for separating her from all her friends (!)I honestly think this was an oversight on their part and a mistake. I have asked that she be moved to the other class….they are going to consider this and let us know. Watch this space. I’ll update x