Class reshuffle - dd with no friends

[tireddotcomm]

Hi All, would appreciate your thoughts on this situation and how to deal with it. Dd is 9 and going into year 5 in September.

At her school, they are 2 form entry and always shuffle classes at year 3 and year 5. There are approx 18 children in each class. I was not worried about this at all, trust the teachers decisions and new D’s would be fine as long as she had 1 or 2 friends in her class, just like she was when they shuffled them previously at beginning of year 3.

Lists were circulated to parents today and I was so shocked to see that she has been separated from every single one of her friends. All 7 girls that she views as her friends are in the other class. I appreciate it is a difficult job and there are a multitude of things to consider - mix of gender, ability etc. along with positive working relationships but to not place her with a single friend seems to be hard to justify. While the 7 other girls will now have shared experiences and strengthen their bond, dd will naturally, without intention necessarily, end up being excluded. It is left to the parents to inform their children and, unsurprisingly, dd is inconsolable despite me trying to be as positive as possible about it.

The classes are not split equally by gender with 7 girls in dds class and 10 in the other & there are 2 more children in the other class so they won’t be able to simply move her over, there would need to be further changes involving other children and so cannot see them changing it now.

I have asked for a meeting to discuss this with the class teacher and head. As I said, she would have been happy with just 1 of these friends in her class but has not one. DH who normally wouldn’t have an opinion on these types of things is equally shocked. I feel totally let down by the school & have lost trust in them if they think this could be in best interests of any child.

The children were not asked to write down names of 3 children they’d be happy to be in a class with like other schools do. What do you think? AIBU? Should I suck it up and let this go or pursue it? Is there any chance of them changing their minds anyway? Thank yoj

Its abhorrent. Your poor DD. Please fight this for her.

OP, I think you need to speak calmly and firmly to school about this and make it clear you would like her moved to the other class. Ask about how you go about appealing this to govenors and make the point that you wouldn't want her excellent attendance to be compromised by being really unhappy being at school due to social isolation. My guess is that this has nothing to do with DD and more to do with placement of other children. In some schools class lists are done by management who are balancing competing priorities, and if DD is academically, socially and emotionally normal, her needs won't be on their radar. You might get a very quick resolution to this from school or you might not. Complaining to school is nothing something I advocate often but I think in this case, you have a valid case and it is another example of children who attend, achieve and don't need any special provision being at a slight disadvantage. Be super polite but firm and do take it to governors if you need to.

On the flip side, try not to communicate any if this to DD. You know how she feels and you don't want to invalidate that but equally you don't want to agree that school will be awful in a different class in case you are unsuccessful. In an ideal world, someone in the other class would also want to swap.

Good luck, OP. I do feel your pain on this one.

Would you object if it was because your daughter was bright and the classes were set?

I hope you can get them to change this for her op. I had this happen to me when I was about 12. All of my friendship group apart from me were together after the reshuffle , I did adjust , but I felt miserable and isolated for several months. I'm nearly 50 now and still remember it so there was a definite impact.

My parents didn't speak up for me so I think what you're doing is amazing.

This is highly unlikely in 2026 UK schools. The opposite is more likely. They will be trying very hard to balance them to avoid this. You don't want all your ALN needs in one class for a myriad of reasons.

@gokusgirl I can’t speak for OP, but at primary school level I would definitely prioritise friendships over academic parity if it was my child.

The only time I would be happy for my child to be separated from friends would be if the friendships were toxic, which kids friendships sometimes are.

Thank you so much for all your comments, it’s so helpful. They are 100% not set by ability and clearly stated that they try to split abilities evenly across the classes.

Completely agree.

This happened to my DD twice, once in year 5 and again in Year 9. She is AuDHD and struggles to make friends at the best of times, so I couldn’t understand the reasoning behind it. It was catastrophic for her mental health both times as she basically was on her own for Years 5 and 6 until the move to secondary, and then on her own again from Year 9. Both schools wouldn’t listen or budge, and the secondary one even said “maybe this isn’t the school for her then”. She never recovered and lost out on all teenage milestones because of it. She literally had no friends. Please fight for your daughter as much as you are able.

The HT will explain how difficult it is to sort the classes out, mixing boys and girls, young and old in the year, academic ability, special needs, tricky friendship issues where children need to be kept apart etc and most people will accept that. However, as I've mentioned previously, there ARE parents who manage to get their children moved, despite the school's reasons. I know one girl who stayed with the same teacher 2 years running because ' her friend' needed her in that class. This is a school that moved the children every year.

Q surprised about this, both mine have been asked to give names for next year, one going into Y2, one going into Y7.

Agreed. It does sound odd and mistakes do happen - this might be one.

The thing I found more strange is that the parents tell the children - what the hell? That is so the job of the school.

Odd.

If it’s not based on ability then I can’t fathom why the school would separate her from 7 other girls in her friendship group, could it be some kind of mistake or oversight? Even if there were some issues with behaviour or dynamics surely the school wouldn’t separate one young child from the 7 others in the friendship group?!

Maybe she’s a very “easy” student and they think she’ll be fine and adapt, make new friends etc. Still wouldn’t explain such a dramatic split amongst a group of 8 friends though. Leaving one child in a large group like that on her own is bonkers, I’d be asking who made the class lists and for precise reasons why dd has been put in this situation. Can they really justify it? That’s what makes me think it could be a mistake / oversight. Or they needed one more girl for this class list and potentially said oh yes x is a nice easy student who gets on well with everyone let’s put her in there.

Advocate for her op, don’t be fobbed off, I don’t see how they can justify such an unfair split of the group, and it could be really detrimental to your dd not just socially but her emotional and mental health. Pre puberty in years 5-6 can be a really tricky time, they really start to change at that age and have a lot to navigate. It could also effect her with the transition to secondary school if these friends drift away from her between now and then. I don’t think she should be expected to just suck it up, some people would say it’ll be good for developing resilience etc but I totally disagree in this situation, it’s so extreme to split her up from 7 other friends.

The tricky part is how the school would solve this now the class lists have already gone out. They can’t just swap her with another child without involving their parents now. It might be an idea to ask around the other parents in the year if anyone else has had anything similar or is unhappy. Sometimes a child is placed in the same class as a bully and the parents are unhappy and want them separated (happened many times over the years when dd was young). There could be someone she could swap with or even see if one of her friends is happy to move over to this class with her. I still feel that’s an unfair split, but 2 girls having each other and the other 6 together would still be a better outcome.

School will have to talk to the other parents now the class lists have been sent out and get their permission to move a child, so it might not be quick or straightforward to find a resolution. Unless they’re willing to just move her over to be with all her friends and have one bigger class, but they’ll probably say they can’t make that class any bigger. Your poor dd, it makes no sense, good luck op

following along as we find ourselves in the same situation with DS. I can’t fathom it.

We’ve requested a meeting on Monday , but the school have a reputation for never budging.

I’d be interested to know what people suggest we can say to put forward our case. I’m not aware of any issues with friendship dynamics and all of the group doing well in school.

Good luck op.

Gosh, I wonder if we are talking about the same school as ours is also notorious for not changing their minds. Are you in the south west?

@tireddotcomm nope, sorry. We’re midlands way

This sounds like a mistake. You have to be able to appeal and I’m sure the school will expect a bit of this. This sounds way too extreme.

The exact same thing happened to one of mine a few years back. It was awful. I cannot begin to describe the upset it caused them, and by default us, they were just so incredibly unhappy. We are well into the secondary school years now but the same things were said to us - they’ll meet at break etc. DC was basically segregated from all friends!!! School swimming, sports days, everything done by class. Never ever got to the bottom of it, met with the school but nothing. Really poor state of affairs and I wish I’d changed schools.

My ds has this in y4
He was disappointed but it turned out to be without reason
He strengthened friendships with other kids and it didn't effect him with his core group
It could be brilliant for her

I didn't even think to complain to the teacher about it never mind the head

I would definitely pursue it with the teacher etc as you plan to do, but just to give you a positive opinion if the school does not budge. it's possible that the disparity in numbers might be due to new children entering the school=new potential friends. Year 5 is also a year where girls commonly split from existing friendship groups due to maturing at different rates - so it's very likely that this friendship group will splinter anyway and your DD being in a class with others has the best chance to make new friends and not be sucked into the drama.

My DD went to a school that mixed every year - she ended up making some great new friends in Year 5 that had not been on her radar until then. She's now 20 and is still good friends with 2 of them; one of whom is one of her closest friends. She is also in touch with a couple of her pre-Year 5 friends, so do not assume that this is death knell for other friends - at Year 5 if they are solid friends they will stay friends (totally different situation to when they are Year 3 age).

OP are any other friendship groups separated in a similar way? If you could find someone who wants to swap the other way, it might be easier, as it wouldn’t affect their numbers.

No. This isn’t a given at all.

I’m surprised the school sent out class lists to the parents. Is this common practice?

It takes ages to sort classes and a LOT of thought goes into it. Parents know nothing, absolutely nothing about the dynamics of the class and are therefore NOT in a position to ‘dictate’ anything .This generation has absolutely no resilience and this is one of the reasons why

DD is an easy kid, which means she also seems to get forgotten in these kind of decisions or used to fill gaps and provide support. She doesn’t have dramatic friendships, is generally amiable with anyone, the teachers can completely forget she’s in the room and she’ll still do the work to a high standard and help the kid next to her and score well in any assessments.

The first time they split the class in yr3 she ended up without any of her friends and we knew that it was coming again in yr 5 so specifically asked in her parents evening before the split that they try to keep her with 2 specific girls that she was particularly close to. They did facilitate that thankfully and it was a much easier change for her and us that she had in yr 3.

What I would say though is that when she went up to secondary she ended up with none of her friends again and that was really hard for her on top of lots of other big changes. I do wonder in hindsight if she had been able to deal with it in yr 5 and experience building new friendships at that point, if it would have been an easier transition.