Class reshuffle - dd with no friends

[tireddotcomm]

Hi All, would appreciate your thoughts on this situation and how to deal with it. Dd is 9 and going into year 5 in September.

At her school, they are 2 form entry and always shuffle classes at year 3 and year 5. There are approx 18 children in each class. I was not worried about this at all, trust the teachers decisions and new D’s would be fine as long as she had 1 or 2 friends in her class, just like she was when they shuffled them previously at beginning of year 3.

Lists were circulated to parents today and I was so shocked to see that she has been separated from every single one of her friends. All 7 girls that she views as her friends are in the other class. I appreciate it is a difficult job and there are a multitude of things to consider - mix of gender, ability etc. along with positive working relationships but to not place her with a single friend seems to be hard to justify. While the 7 other girls will now have shared experiences and strengthen their bond, dd will naturally, without intention necessarily, end up being excluded. It is left to the parents to inform their children and, unsurprisingly, dd is inconsolable despite me trying to be as positive as possible about it.

The classes are not split equally by gender with 7 girls in dds class and 10 in the other & there are 2 more children in the other class so they won’t be able to simply move her over, there would need to be further changes involving other children and so cannot see them changing it now.

I have asked for a meeting to discuss this with the class teacher and head. As I said, she would have been happy with just 1 of these friends in her class but has not one. DH who normally wouldn’t have an opinion on these types of things is equally shocked. I feel totally let down by the school & have lost trust in them if they think this could be in best interests of any child.

The children were not asked to write down names of 3 children they’d be happy to be in a class with like other schools do. What do you think? AIBU? Should I suck it up and let this go or pursue it? Is there any chance of them changing their minds anyway? Thank yoj

That makes no sense that the girls are not more evenly distributed, why not 8 in one class and 9 in the other?

You might have more luck approaching them with this kind of general objection than 'my daughter has no friends in her class', where they are very likely to fob you off with some guff about how a confident child like yours will have no trouble forming a new friendship group and was the best equipped of the seven to be put in that position.

DS went to a 4 form entry Junior School. The children were moved around every year. It was often unfathomable from parent's point of view. One year DS was in class with 7 girls and 14 boys, the other 3 classes were more evenly spilt.
HT, when questioned, maintained that class was for learning and children could play with their friends at break and lunch.

However, there were always certain parents that managed to mysteriously get their children moved to other classes by September.
Definitely question it.

Please fight this. The school.is acting unreasonably. Sometimes teachers get it wrong and don't realise it until someone points it out.

This happened to my son in seconday schiol and they have admitted that they made a mistake and will put him with at least one of his close friends in September

Tbh I would normally be in the "it's fine, she'll get over it" sort of camp with things like this but this sounds a bit too extreme.

As you say, to be with just one of her friends would have been enough.

I would definitely make an appointment to speak to the Head about this because it seems unfair and a bit odd - unless there is some justification for it that you don't know about (although not sure what that could be?)
It's important to speak up especially if you think it will impact your child's school experience because being unhappy isn't conducive to learning.
Good luck

Can you clarify - is she not with any girls from her current class? Or is she just not with any friends from her current class?

If she is not with any one from her current class, does that mean all of the girls in her new class are currently in a class together? This would worry me more, as it will be hard for her to be the odd one out.

I would go with the "DD was very upset at the new class allocation. Can you please explain the reasoning behind it ? (Maybe they have good reasons) Do you realise DD is not with any friends (maybe they haven't and have done x from this class, y from that rather than consider friendship groups)."

Do challenge this - similar happened to DD in the yr3 shuffle, 3 form entry and they split her friend group 3,3,1 (she was the 1). They naturally drifted into those groups and DD was left out. We did challenge it but the school wouldn’t budge (I did understand from their perspective, DDs year group was incredibly boy heavy, less than 30 girls in the whole year group!) it ended up being a disaster for her and she’s eventually moved schools to find a better balance.

If classes here are split it is based on ability groups, friends aren't necessarily in the same ability group. Would you accept being told your daughter isn't with her friends because they have different capabilities in school?

Thanks so much all. I was so blindsided by this that I fired off a rather garbled email so will need to articulate my thoughts ahead of a meeting. I am just so shocked they have done this….as I said I wasn’t remotely worried as assumed she would be with at least 1 friend. I’ve had a number of mums message me to see if dd is ok so it’s obviously very clear to them on looking at the lists that she is the only one out on her own.

She is with a couple of girls from her current class but she is not friends with them and never plays with them. No issues at all, they are perfectly pleasant girls, just not in her social circle.

They shuffled them at year 3 and it is definitely the case that the girls gravitate to play more with the girls they are in a class with so she will be excluded from ALL of her existing friends just based on shared experiences etc.

At our school they try to balance abilities across the classes and so it’s definitely not that she is of a different ability to the rest of the girls.

I am dumbfounded to be honest and shocked they have done this.

This happened to my daughter and fortunately I did manage to get her moved. It’s a horrible situation, good luck with the meeting.

If the school won’t budge, I’d be arranging/encouraging as many meet ups as possible with the other girls in the class over the summer.

I would email the head/teacher, or ask for a quick word after school, I don't think you need a formal meeting at this stage, we had a similar situation one year

Please go and talk to the teacher.
My experience of something similar was when we all sat next to our friends our stupid teacher decided we should all sit next to someone we didn’t know.
I got sat next to a girl who was a really bad influence on me to sit next to.
Please make sure she is with her friends.
What teachers think they are doing I have no idea.

Ask to speak to the Head of Year. And escalate to Head Teacher if you don’t get the solution you need. It’s not being demanding - you’re anticipating things not working out and your child being unhappy. She needs to be moved to the other class - it’s their problem to solve. Not yours. Please don’t take no for an answer and don’t be persuaded to ‘see how it goes’.

This happened to DD a year ago (albeit senior school). She’s had the most awful year which has affected her in so many ways, which was both heartbreaking and needless (and the school has agreed with us). it’s being fixed for next academic year, but DD has suffered socially, mentally and her with her confidence for a whole year.

I had similar when my DC1 was going into year 5. I went to the head, explained my concerns that ALL of his friends were going to be in 1 class together rather than more evenly split and although he was friendly with some of the boys who would be in his new class, they werent actual friends (& wouldnt likely be as all my sons friends were the 'football boys'). I was persauded that it would be fine, lesson time is just for learning, they would still have breaks & lunch to be together etc. I foolishly let them convince me it would be fine - it wasnt!

What happened is that he slowly & slowly became a separate part of the group - especially as they got into year 6 & started making plans to meet up outside of school etc. He was never deliberately excluded but they just forgot he wasnt there when they made their plans in lessons so would miss out.

All school trips, included residentials were done on a class basis for the travel so he never got to sit next to his friends, wasnt in a room with his friends for overnight trips etc. It made him quite miserable & it was considerably far more reaching than just not being with them in lessons.

As predicated, he never got any more friendly with the others boys in his class in year 5 & 6 (why would he as he had known them all since year R & they werent 'his tribe'). I really wish I had made much more of a fuss & not let it go.

I have 2 younger DC and I have learnt my lesson from this - I wouldnt accept the excuse that lessons are only for learning as so much more happens especially in year 6 as they are gaining more independence and making plans for outside school.

For what its worth, his school did seem to learn a lessons (whether from him or not I dont know), as now when they swap the classes around the kids (with parent involvement) now name 3 children they want to be in class with & they guarantee that you will have at least 1 of your choices in your class. My much younger DC3 had this last year & actually ended up with all 3 of his choices so we were all happy!

Is is a private school? If so I know people who’ve intervened and successfully had amendments made to class lists. I’d suggest to them that DD has been isolated and ask their rationale.

This happened to my disabled DS going from mainstream Reception into Y1. He’s severely autistic and has always found it extremely hard to make friends. Every single one of his few friends were put in the other class. We asked for him to be moved and the headteacher refused. We found out years later from his 1:1 LSA that the head had agreed it was a bad decision but she would never go back on her teachers’ decisions. I wish I could say it all worked out fine, but it didn’t. He became very withdrawn and didn’t really have close friends until several years later when he started at a special school.

Please talk to your school OP. I hope you can get it sorted for your DD.

As well as requesting your daughter is moved to the other class, could you also suggest the alternative option that they move one or even two of her friends into her class? That balances the overall numbers and the number of girls between two classes.

If you've had other parents reach out, would any of the friends' parents be open to volunteering that their child swaps?

Ask the teacher and keep an open mind.
There may be some behaviour or friendship issues that you are not aware of that mean it is better to separate some children.
I've definitely known of situations where parents have been upset that their 'best friends' children have been separated when actually there's been quite a toxic dynamic between the children that was causing problems in school.

I have thought about this but if this was the case then we should have been informed of any issues going on that we are not aware of and invited to have a discussion about them and be told in advance of plans to separate her from all her friends if there is a genuine reason for this. Of course there can be issues and they need to focus on class dynamics and positive working relationships but how could they ever justify segregating one child from all of her friends.

I was separated from friends, similarly to your daughter. We were a friendship group of 8 and had always been split across classes in different numbers, but nobody had been alone until I was split to be alone and everyone else together when we were about 11.

I absolutely spiralled for 2 years. My mental health wasn’t great during puberty. Misery doesn’t even describe it. My mum went in to make a plea with the year head the in the last week of summer and he begrudgingly agreed to move me for the third (and final) year of this mix. Years later he ran into my mum out in public and said thank you to her for forcing him to do it. He said he never would usually have agreed to that but after seeing the positive change in me it completely changed his outlook on the situation. He admitted the original decision had been because the school thought I could make “better” friends, but I got into Oxford despite my friends… and we are all still friends!

EDIT: Anyway, to get to the point: ADVOCATE for her. No matter what the school say, you know her better.

They split due to the stages the children are working at. Your daughter academic level.is different from peers. But it makes no difference they will be together at lunch and break .hope this helps clear it up.

Agree with everyone else. Advocate for her. Ten years ago it was much more “this is it and won’t be changing” but have found schools more flexible and trying to help in recent days. There could be a child in the other class who is similarly unhappy and I have found schools really do want to help find a solution where they can.

This has happened to my daughter in year four this year. They don't play with her at break or lunch either. They did before this.

@Mh67 OP has said that both classes always have the same range of ability, so there’s no question of “setting”. Nor should there be at this stage. Plenty of time for that in secondary school.

Ask to speak to the Head of Year. And escalate to Head Teacher if you don’t get the solution you want. She needs to be moved to the other class - it’s their problem to solve. Not yours. Please don’t take no for an answer and don’t be persuaded to ‘see how it goes’.

This happened to DD a year ago (albeit senior school). She’s had the most awful year which has affected her in so many ways. Which was both heartbreaking and needless. it’s being fixed for next academic year, but DD has suffered socially, mentally and her with her confidence for a whole year.