School not taking note of creepy behaviour

[Savethegirls]

Posting here for traffic and name changed for this question.

At my child’s secondary school, one of boys (15yrs)leaked his friend’s ipad contents. Screenshots of ipad had folders for several girls as young as 12. Its had pictures and text about how his interaction with these girls.

School suspended the boy who found it and circulated the screenshots, saying privacy violations. And all kids had to delete every evidence gathered. Parent of the creepy boy keep telling everyone its his habit to write notes and some of it was just “fantasy “.

Now obviously backlash no one is talking to the boy but the deputy Headmaster is now singled out girls and asking them to not believe these stories and they need to talk to him.

the creepy boy is in Drama tech crew and probably has a stash of pics from last few yrs.

the girls have seen the evidence and not ready to trust the school.

YABU - overthinking this
YANBU- call the Headmaster over this

parents and kids are feeling there might be repercussions at school if they complain. Any advice on how to handle this?

Because the girls who feel uncomfortable about this are being directed to put those misgivings to one side and interact with him. I’d say that’s a problem.

My child and her friends feel violated for being part of the “school scandal” you can minimise it as adults. But they are young and feel the school doesn’t support them.

• The Child is in tech crew and has pro camera which is allowed to carry around at school events. Also has access to school media folders

• school hasn’t withdrawn this and he is still clicking pictures for school. How do you think this makes the girls feel?

• Deputy asking girls to be kind to him and one additional thing said to my child which I cannot write here its very outing

this thread was not to witch hunt but to seek help for my child and her friends.

and Yes I’m livid that its the girls’s responsibility to understand boys behaviour and suck it up because guess what? They should expect lot worse as the grow up.
and it is an abnormal behaviour because its 15 girls in question not 5.

I’m not sure that’s quite true. They’ve been asked to stop bullying him. In fact, only the op’s daughter has been asked to stop bullying him. And the mum immediately goes to social media to try and further demonise this poor kid. Speaks volumes.

When I was a teenager I used to keep a list in the back of a diary with a padlock on of all the boys I had kissed or fancied. I would regularly keep logs of boys I had spoken to. I.e 3rd June - Saw Brad at lunchtime, he was wearing a green coat and red trainers. He was smoking and was riding his BMX.

By the late 90s I used to keep a spreadsheet on a word processor. Boys I had kissed, got to third base with, had sex with. I mean my mother would have been horrified if she had seen it but I assure you it was all pretty innocent. Not sure why I wrote it all down. It’s something I’ve often done. I saw a very significant ex recently and in my calendar I wrote ‘Saw CP today.’

You might not have turned into sexual deviants, but you were at the time. Your obsession with boys underwear and, in particular, you letting that obsession bleed into real life and embarrassing boys by asking them about their underwear was appalling. Minimising the way boys might have felt about that and the effect on them just because you later didn't go on to sexually assault anyone isn't okay. That sort of thing can cause crippling anxiety and years of insecurity in the boys you targeted - even if they faced it with public bravado.

It also conveniently ignores the structural imbalance that girls face that make such actions against them worse. Because they aren't wrong that there are quite a lot of male sexual predators out there. 1 in 4 women are likely to suffer an attempted rape by a man - and the peak years for experiencing that are the teen years. And that's just rape, not the almost inevitable sexual assaults, leering and stalking that go hand in hand with that entitled attitude in men.

The school need to be emphasising that kids need to not give in to a desire to focus on others they are not consensually entwined with in school. That doing so is unfair on their classmates. That knowing you like someone is good, but letting a fantasy go to far, collecting details on them, voicing those fantasies about them when they are not aware or do not want it is behaviour that can lead to unhealthy obsession and is likely to creep them out and possibly make them feel unsafe if they find out.

If the head is saying they must speak to this kid, about what exactly? The fact he got done for being a perv? They can't force girls to speak to him.

That sounds grim. But I bet there are other 15/16 yo talking to girls under the age of consent. He can't be the only one. I wish social media didn't exist sometimes!

Thank you for helping me with this clarity.
its been emotionally draining to see girls helpless. But I agree #2 is what we need to do to be future focused .

OP - the creepy boy is in Drama tech crew and probably has a stash of pics from last few yrs.

That's where you lost any sympathy you may have been angling for, OP. Probably? Really? You're making stuff up about a 15 year old child. Support your daughter of course but making stuff up is simply not on.

Your original post, OP, is garbled, and you've had to come back a couple of times to clarify points. I still don't get it, this 15 year old has (I think) had his private notes made public? Do you maybe need to rethink how this has played out - and repeating the "creepy" label your daughter and her friends have given this young man is unpleasant too. Of course, I still don't know if that's what this post is about ....

This.

@Savethegirls , you do know that with things progressing, the biggest safeguarding risk is to the boy? Are you aware of the teenage boy suicide rates? Faced with this witch hunt..

She means he has a school-issued camera which he used to take the photos, and still has it. It's going to be a problem if anyone who tries to avoid being photographed is punished for bullying, so they really need to sort that out.

You can help her by shutting down her bullying behaviour instead of encouraging it. The head told her not to be mean, it sounds to me like your child and others are bullying this boy and manipulating their parents into thinking they're the disturbed victims so they can get away with the behaviour.

As has recently been seen in the news15 year old boys and younger boys are capable of sexual assault and rape. Dismissing such behaviour is not acceptable and hopefully he is getting some form of intervention that hasn't been shared by the school to the other parents/pupils.

Your daughter is allowed to stop interacting with anyone who has a creepy folder on her. That’s my new rule.

If he wants to complain about being ostracised you can explain that she doesn’t want any more images of her ending up in his little file. If a colleague had one of these about me there is zero chance I’d be able to work with them normally again. And no one would expect me to at least in the short term. It’s not just that he’s obsessing (probably normal) it’s that he’s keeping a bloody file on them, I don’t know how people can’t see a difference between thinking “God I really fancy Luke from year 10” and keeping photos and detailed notes of exactly where you saw him and what he was doing etc. Right now he seems midway between normal and stalkerish. This would have been a great chance for him to learn the lesson that stalkerish behaviour is completely unacceptable and he needs to sort it out. Instead the lesson the school wants to teach is that girls should be kind to boys who make them uncomfortable. That is shit and I would be seeing the head of year at least.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/types-crime/violence-against-women-and-girls/stalking-or-harassment/what-stalking-or-harassment#:~:text=Stalking%20or%20harassment%20happen%20when,%2C%20obsessive%2C%20unwanted%20and%20repeated.

According to @GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf you’re a massive creep. But, you had a padlock on your diary, and presumably a password on your computer, so you’re in the clear.

Oh shhh! Why the fuck can’t OP call a creepy boy a creepy boy?

I think this nails it!

Keeping a diary is pretty standard. Also could be a possibility that the child in question is ND and notes are to help with interactions and so on. It would depend completely upon the context which we don’t know.

Also it is not ok for someone’s diary to be stolen and sent to others.

as teens I’m sure we all thought, or wrote p, some pretty weird stuff it’s about becoming you and growing up.

Yes.

Exactly just a diary, note taking, recording things. We are all allowed to think or write this.

As a parent, school staff (and child once upon a time) I can tell you schools often do not deal with things properly and often brush it under the carpet, minimise and dismiss such things.

Inappropriate touching- he didn’t mean it, he tried to something else, he doesn’t understand.
Threats , including things like “if you don’t do x I will rape you”- he doesn’t understand, he didn’t mean it, he doesn’t know what it means
Inappropriate behaviours - he doesn’t understand, he didn’t mean it

Repeat ad infinitum. Even if that is the case, girls do NOT have to shut up and put up with this. They do NOT have to be kind. They do NOT have to be nice. They do not have to be friends, socialise or even give these boys the time of day.

Let the school deal with it and stop shit stirring.

And if the kids that you wrote shit about didn’t want to be your friends anymore , surely that would be fair enough?

What disturbs me about this is the school telling the girls not to refer to him as creepy and to be nice to him. It's OK for the boys to upset them but as always the girls are told to be kind. Girls need to learn to protect themselves but over and over they're told to ignore behaviour that disturbs them and then we wonder why so many young women get involved with men who abuse them

Can you withdraw permission for your DD to be photographed at all at school? I know it is unfair , but that is one thing in your/her control.