To think having children makes women miserable?

[missylissy9]

I’m only in uni and nowhere near having children but reflecting on my own family it’s something I think about a lot.

Growing up my mum did everything around also having a demanding full time job as a teacher. She did all cooking, cleaning and organising of pretty much everything in the house and for me and my sister. My dad played golf every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes during the week and so I spent nearly all my time with her meaning me and my dad don’t really have a relationship. He never really had the patience to deal with children and would regularly get angry at us for completely normal child things e.g spilling a drink or not being able to stop laughing at the dinner table. It’s like walking on eggshells.

Despite finishing work at 4 everyday he would come home and relax all night despite my mum returning much later, doing all cooking and then having no time to herself as she had marking to do later.

My parents don’t really have a relationship, my dad seems to get annoyed by anything she does or says. They only time they spend together is when we eat dinner as a family, nothing outside that. He’s told her before he’s not interested in anything to do with her work and never asks her about her day or how she is. Any extra tutoring she used to do he used to get annoyed at for not spending enough time with us (ironic I know).

I’ve always wondered why she didn’t kick him out, they’re not married and she owns the house completely on her own, but maybe it’s not that simple and I’d never have the heart to ask her. I have no doubt she loves being a mother and we have an amazing relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world but I can’t help but think she’s spent most of my life deeply unhappy, and continues to now.

I guess my question is can you ever guarantee you won’t end up like this before becoming a mother, no matter how amazing your partner is before? Talking to a lot of my friends it seems common (most either divorced, unhappy or rich enough to hire people to not have the problem) but despite having always wanted kids I can’t help but think staying single would be better? Or is it just something you have to sacrifice?

They are only young; 5 and 3. I keep hoping things will get better but 1 and 3 was awful; 4 and 2 wasn’t much better and I really had hoped things would be easing off by 5 and 3!

Actual parenting can feel joyless a lot of the time. The mechanics of parenting young children can be pretty soul destroying, repetitive and isolating, however within a functioning relationship or with an extended network to share the joyful aspects of raising amazing little humans this is negated. Not everyone has this, which should not be a suprise to anyone really.

When my DH died DC was still very young, I still loved them to bits, but I was really aware that the fun and absolute shared understanding of the little things that parents/close people understood and laughed about and cherished also died. It is difficult to explain, and it is something you do not realise until it has gone. I still did the same things, was fiercely protective of DC but did not and could not enjoy being their parent in the way I did before. And yes, I hated myself for this. Time is a healer and we have a wonderful relationship now. I am very proud and know as a parent, whilst making mistakes, I did stepped up when our lives changed one Sunday afternoon. We had no control over the outcome and I have made wrong choices at times. For at least two years, it was just survival and whilst my DC has no awareness of this, I hated that I felt no happiness in being their parent. Just numbness.

I work in child protection and the majority of parents I work with have had an horrific upbringing. All love their children and know they want better for them, but have had no positive example of parenting and society judges them. It is incredibly complex and early help has been eradicated due to budget cuts. I am so conscious that lots of parents I work with are being asked to parent in a way they have had no experience of with very little support.

Certain men also use pregnancy as a weapon to keep women dependant. The judgement is always of the woman, not the man. As a society this really need to be discussed and men held accountable.

Agree.

While my DH hasn’t died @Dameputtingonabraveface i can relate to a lot of that.

In our case, chronic pain has largely taken the person he was away. All he thinks about his himself, very bluntly. I get it: he can’t see anything other than in terms of the pain he’s in. It’s the sole topic of conversation and the only thing he really thinks or cares about.

Where that leaves me and our children jury is out. More and more they aren’t bothering with him and come to me. He ignores them; he is irritable with them. It’s very sad

But as you say, it’s difficult to enjoy when there’s no one to enjoy it with.

It’s not the children that make mothers unhappy…

Sometimes it is.