To think having children makes women miserable?

[missylissy9]

I’m only in uni and nowhere near having children but reflecting on my own family it’s something I think about a lot.

Growing up my mum did everything around also having a demanding full time job as a teacher. She did all cooking, cleaning and organising of pretty much everything in the house and for me and my sister. My dad played golf every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes during the week and so I spent nearly all my time with her meaning me and my dad don’t really have a relationship. He never really had the patience to deal with children and would regularly get angry at us for completely normal child things e.g spilling a drink or not being able to stop laughing at the dinner table. It’s like walking on eggshells.

Despite finishing work at 4 everyday he would come home and relax all night despite my mum returning much later, doing all cooking and then having no time to herself as she had marking to do later.

My parents don’t really have a relationship, my dad seems to get annoyed by anything she does or says. They only time they spend together is when we eat dinner as a family, nothing outside that. He’s told her before he’s not interested in anything to do with her work and never asks her about her day or how she is. Any extra tutoring she used to do he used to get annoyed at for not spending enough time with us (ironic I know).

I’ve always wondered why she didn’t kick him out, they’re not married and she owns the house completely on her own, but maybe it’s not that simple and I’d never have the heart to ask her. I have no doubt she loves being a mother and we have an amazing relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world but I can’t help but think she’s spent most of my life deeply unhappy, and continues to now.

I guess my question is can you ever guarantee you won’t end up like this before becoming a mother, no matter how amazing your partner is before? Talking to a lot of my friends it seems common (most either divorced, unhappy or rich enough to hire people to not have the problem) but despite having always wanted kids I can’t help but think staying single would be better? Or is it just something you have to sacrifice?

Some nice comments on here.

I'd say that the very fact that you are asking the question and aware of the type of relationship you want to avoid means that you are at a lower risk of replicating your mother's misfortune.

And it's additionally possible that your mother's amazing relationship with you gives her enormous pleasure and satisfaction. You might find the same one day!

In your own example the children are not the issue so YABU, you answered your own question.

Adult life sucks. Coming home from work to cook dinner and do admin sucks. That isn’t even child-specific. Your posts barely even touched on parenting, it was your day being lazy and that would have grated even if they were child free.

I think having children makes many women less happy in their marriage/LTR. Seems like it from what I read on here anyway.

And don’t marry a man you have to persuade to have children and then be surprised when he doesn’t step up.

I haven't read the full thread but as soon as I read the title, I knew the issue. Plural is the issue.

Having a child can be easy, having more than one makes life more difficult. I do not know one Mother who is generally less frazzled by going from one child to more than one.

Yes love multiples and they play together when other and look out for each other but you also have to split your time, double the monetary expense. I just don't see the appeal.

It’s not to do with being a mother. It’s to do with having an awful “partner”

Some people definitely just accept what is and carry on. Some don’t feel like they have a way out. For some it will be convenient or money. Lots of reasons.

Sounds like your mum’s problem was her marriage not the fact that she had children.

It certainly seems to on here. I don't understand the complaining tbh but then I've always looked at it that men don't really want kids in the first place. Or at least not more than women. If women laid out they wanted 50/50 raising of the children until 18 beforehand- see the birth rate plummet! So if you want kids there are certain sacrifices because men will never want them as much as women. If it's so hard then don't have them-simple. I hate all this "she's raising his child and enabling him to progress at work nonsense"-yeah the child he probably didn't even want in the first place!

I think many of us accept that it won’t be 50/50, especially if you breastfeed. The problem is that sometimes it can become more like 80/20, with the 20 given begrudgingly and to a poor standard. That’s when resentment creeps in, and it is toxic, I know, but very hard to avoid.

I worried about this when I was younger, having had a completely crap and awful father. I think you have to really take your time getting to know your partner and see them in many different and challenging situations before getting married - travel yes, but also a loved one being ill, trouble at work. If not moving in together permanently then spending extended time together - we spent six months together during lockdown. How are they financially? Can they cook? Clean? How do they treat you when you've had a bad day, are ill or upset? Do they keep track of who's putting in what effort or do they go above and beyond to make sure you're okay, see housework as everyone's job?

I also think sometimes women may enjoy the novelty of playing house earlier in the relationship and not notice the imbalance. I certainly had that in a previous relationship.

DH now does more cleaning than me, he's the default dinner maker since I had bad morning sickness actually. He is so hardworking and giving with me and all his family and friends. That's another point to pay attention to actually, how do they treat their loved ones especially their mum? He is quite traditional but sees his role of protecting the family as making sure all of us are healthy, happy and okay even to his detriment, eg if he has lots on at work (he has a job and a business).

Also, there's bits of having a baby that feel relentless but it goes so quick and there's so much joy at the same time. I love mine more than anything. We'd love 1-2 more but I'd only consider it because I've seen how well DH handled the first one. I can definitely see how having a child can really show up any existing selfishness in men.

Totally agree but that's where my DH at least picked up so much of the housework, that made a huge difference with an EBF clingy baby that never wanted to be put down. I never used a bouncer though and he hated all forms of transport (pram, car seat etc) that wasn't the sling. It did make 3-6 months harder and I had him round the clock. If we had another I'd definitely try things like bouncer, proper travel system with a car seat that I could take out easily - had the Doona and never learned to take mine out, dumb that I am.

Obv if you have two you have to cope with them being left to cry a bit while you sort the other one out and so on anyway don't you!

Women with shit partners are miserable. Having kids with them makes it much more miserable. I have a great DH and having our children has been the best part of our lives.

And be stuck on your own with the kids. Yeah just fantastic

Having children with the wrong man makes women miserable. I don’t know any woman with kids and a hands on supportive partner that is miserable!

From my standpoint, YABU but that’s because I’ve always, always wanted children and mine are the main thing that makes me happy. I suppose I am lucky that I get on well with them and I genuinely enjoy their company.

This makes me feel guilty as I love mine so much but I don’t much enjoy them together and I am already dreading the summer holidays.

I think the problem is that a lot of men are not very nice. If you’ve got a good one I’ll bet you got together relatively early. If you get it wrong, you’re in trouble.

Actually I’m a lone parent and I still feel happy having raised my children mostly alone with limited input from their father.

I’m just lucky that we all get along - it’s not something to feel guilty about - it’s pure luck.

I firmly feel that some people should really not have children but do. It can be pretty terrible for all concerned when that happens, so it is definitely worth considering whether you really want to do it.

Fwiw, I have been very lucky to have the family I wanted and it has not made me miserable. I won't say I have loved every minute because that isn't realistic. But I am very happy with my life choices

It’s not having children that makes women miserable. Guarantee there are just as many unhappy women who are single or in childfree relationships.

I think that it is possible to enjoy being a parent even if you have a crap partner. My husband is amazing but I am childfree as I just don't want children: they are too much hard work and are too restricting to my life. I would imagine that your mother found solace in her relationship with you and your siblings, especially as you grew old enough to relate to her more as an equal.

Shit men make women miserable. Never my children. Maybe if your mum had left your dad she wouldn't have been miserable. I left my ex and I'm happy with just me and my children now.

How old are they? It's tough when they are young.

If you think it sounds miserable, don’t have kids?

I thought I would like it and I do. I’m having a great time. I could do with more sleep but otherwise it’s not miserable at all. They are full of wonder and improved my outloook on life.

That is not your title question!
you are not asking if having children makes women miserable, you are asking if having children with an asshole makes women miserable. And the answer would be: yes!