To think having children makes women miserable?

[missylissy9]

I’m only in uni and nowhere near having children but reflecting on my own family it’s something I think about a lot.

Growing up my mum did everything around also having a demanding full time job as a teacher. She did all cooking, cleaning and organising of pretty much everything in the house and for me and my sister. My dad played golf every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes during the week and so I spent nearly all my time with her meaning me and my dad don’t really have a relationship. He never really had the patience to deal with children and would regularly get angry at us for completely normal child things e.g spilling a drink or not being able to stop laughing at the dinner table. It’s like walking on eggshells.

Despite finishing work at 4 everyday he would come home and relax all night despite my mum returning much later, doing all cooking and then having no time to herself as she had marking to do later.

My parents don’t really have a relationship, my dad seems to get annoyed by anything she does or says. They only time they spend together is when we eat dinner as a family, nothing outside that. He’s told her before he’s not interested in anything to do with her work and never asks her about her day or how she is. Any extra tutoring she used to do he used to get annoyed at for not spending enough time with us (ironic I know).

I’ve always wondered why she didn’t kick him out, they’re not married and she owns the house completely on her own, but maybe it’s not that simple and I’d never have the heart to ask her. I have no doubt she loves being a mother and we have an amazing relationship that I wouldn’t trade for the world but I can’t help but think she’s spent most of my life deeply unhappy, and continues to now.

I guess my question is can you ever guarantee you won’t end up like this before becoming a mother, no matter how amazing your partner is before? Talking to a lot of my friends it seems common (most either divorced, unhappy or rich enough to hire people to not have the problem) but despite having always wanted kids I can’t help but think staying single would be better? Or is it just something you have to sacrifice?

Its not having children which makes women miserable. Its having partners who don’t pull their weight and leave the women carrying the burden of looking after the children.

Both can make you unhappy. It's the biggest parental taboo. A bloke who is disengaged, even if he 'wanted' children is draining but men walking away is far more socially acceptable. Many women, certainly in the past had fewer options to get out of it, either away from their husband/ partner or kids. Children suck the life out of some most adults. Women tend to be stuck with their decisions, bad men and poor judgment over having children, conscious or otherwise.

From your description sounds like it’s the crap dad that makes mothers unhappy and not the kids.

It makes me miserable sometimes on a day to day or hour to hour basis, on a relatively superficial level usually. But it makes me deeply content and fulfilled in general and most days are filled with a good amount of joy from things my children said or did, or even just being with them, watching them play or sleep. It really is an extreme of highs and lows. It's not for everyone.

I didn’t say it was. But by and large I believe it is.

Busted 🤣

Not miserable no but tired yes it’s a hard job really demanding but one I’d never regret

Like a PP said this is about your parent’s relationship not your mum being there for you. I think the sheer amount of effort it takes to look after a newborn and small child is tremendous and it’s easy to not even notice this or acknowledge as we naturally don’t recall these years. Living them now with my own DC, I definitely changed my judgements on my parents. They deserve a round the world trip for their efforts. They didn’t do it once but three times. They did the best they knew how.

Children are a joy. Lazy sexist men are cunts. My question is why do intelligent professional women flog themselves and enable it? Your mother should’ve put her foot down and kicked his arse into touch.

Having my two children is the one thing I did right to contribute to my happiness.

The dead beat man in the equation has been the over -sold element of my life I’m working on getting rid of.

Sadly for DS his dad isn't in the picture. But I'm glad you have a decent DH. 😊

I always think it must be ten times harder if you have a partner and are still doing everything while they laze about. And knowing my ex, I would be doing everything, because work is the most important thing in his life. He couldn't even change DS's nappy the one time he attempted it and he has two adult children. I assume his ex wife did everything. I'm still doing everything for me and DS, but at least I don't have to look after another grown arse human, and I have a break when he goes to bed and I can please myself.

I also make sure to spend time and money on myself and my hobbies. My mum didn't for years and I remember being a teenager and encouraging her to do so!

Didn’t make this one miserable. Best thing I’ve ever done. It’s tough sometimes but DD has brought me more genuine, unadulterated joy than anything else I’ve ever done. My only regret is that despite trying, we weren’t able to have more.

So many independent variables. It makes some women miserable. This is often the women who didn’t want to be one in the first place really but got pregnant accidentally and for whatever reason felt unable to abort OR they felt a bit pushed into it due to societal norms but deep down, they didn’t want it. Not always of course. Some women want to be a mum because the idea sounds nice but when they’re actually in the thick of it they realise it isn’t for them- too late obviously.

Or they just have a shit unsupportive partner and would probably do better alone, like your mum…

well it was your dad making your mum miserable, not her children.

Having children is not compulsory, in fact unless you really really desperately want children don’t have them, because it is hard at times and if other bits of your life are difficult (partner, money, work) having children makes those issues 10 times worse.

That said, my children have bought a level of joy and fun to my life I did t even know was missing. They make me happy every day, and I have never for a second regretted them. They have made my life.

I think not having a support network can make motherhood a miserable or very hard experience for some women. A husband/partner, grandparents, extended family, the ‘village’ support network.
Motherhood is not easy but can be very fulfilling if , as a parent, you can dedicate yourself to it without suffering other majors hardships.
It also depends on the child’s temperament , health of the mother and child, so many variables.

Sounds like someone's bending the truth more than a little, for what purpose I don't know, but to answer the question anyway, the problem in the family you describe was the father's personality. That relationship was doomed for unhappiness whether they had kids or not.

There are no guarantees in life, and some mothers do end up miserable, but having children isn't usually a source of misery.

A useless man definitely makes life harder.

Im a single mum and love motherhood.

Better rethink the four children you refer to on other threads.

I’m only in uni and nowhere near having children but reflecting on my own family it’s something I think about a lot.

Then may I respectfully ask what's happened to the 4 children you apparently actually do have? 😳

Having kids is a risk as you don’t know how you will take to it or whether your kids will make your life a misery.

In recent decades women have realised that they don’t actually have to take this gamble which is why the birth rate is on the floor. Myself included as I’d rather walk into traffic than have children!

Don’t forget that they’re also bi-lingual as her DH is French. 😁

Touché

I think having a full time job while trying to juggle all the child care and housework is often what makes women frazzled and unhappy. I also think trying to do that with 2 or 3 kids is much harder than one.

Having a child certainly made me happier than any job ever has, but I only had 1 and only ever worked part time and then only once he was at school.

This is a good post

For me:

Newborns - miraculous and character building
Toddlers - unbelievably cute, loving, unjudgemental, funny and amazed by ordinary life, helping you see the world afresh
Children - curious, funny, loving, and make everything from cycle rides to christmas more fun
Teens - witty, challenging and educative - they introduce you to new music, ideas, comedians, fashion

The good thing about relationships/parenting is that you can choose your own path and you don't have to recreate your own childhood if you don't want to. Nothing is inevitable (took me years to realise this!) Engaged, loving husbands and fathers can be found.

My father worked all hours and was violent and made horrible, cutting remarks. My husband works from home some of the week, has never harmed our children and they adore him. He does all the cooking/shopping and is sweet and considerate. Sure, having children can be really difficult and stressful at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world.